Shrek the Third is a technical masterpiece. I kept wondering at the texture of Shrek's skin, the different state of Puss in Boots fur, and Prince Charming's bouncy and behaving hair.
And for an hour and a half, I kept thinking about how white the world of Far Far Away is. Beside Eddie Murphy, there are no black voice actors in the film. Antonio Banderas (who is technically white, let's not forget) is the only other bit of colour in the acting roster.
And yes, I'm sure the argument that it's based on European fairy tales, so why not have all of the characters be European* looking will be put up against my complaint? Por que, you may ask? Why should they include non-white characters? Porque si. Just because. (*Also, Europeans come in many shades. See: Antonio Banderas.)
If that doesn't move you, here's another reason: Because there is a talking donkey and a cat who wears boots and is an excellent swordsman - BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING MAKE BELIEVE.
I sat there thinking that we have the chance to relate to a bunch of blondes (various fairy tale women including Rapunzel, Cinderella, plus the new boy King, Artie), a lone black haired character (Snow White), and a few brunettes. If we don't relate to them, we've got Donkey, Puss in Boots, or a grab bag of characters like the three pigs, blind mice, gingerbread man, etc.
Yuck. It really makes me sick, spiritually, to be mired in this space - but I'm not going to pretend I wasn't disturbed by it. I tried to enjoy myself and did at times.
One thing I was bothered by even before I saw this installment was the basic premise of the plot. Princess Fiona's father dies and instead of Fiona becoming the Queen, everyone assumes that Shrek would be the King (of course Fiona would rule as Queen, but her place as rightful heir to the throne is never made explicit). If Shrek is capable of ruling the kingdom, then why the hell isn't THE QUEEN, the late King's wife, just ruling alone? It's so disgustingly sexist and patriarchy-y, I cannot stand it. Shrek doesn't want to be King so he goes off to find the only other rightful heir (again, I ask why the QUEEN is suddenly incapable of running Far Far Away? WHY? ::smashes some furniture::), a high school boy.
The idea of the princess turned ogre is rich with possibility, possibility which they didn't touch after a bit in the first film - Fiona is incredibly girly and defers to Shrek more often than not. The only good thing about her in this film is that she has retained her shape (not super skinny) - although I swear her waist to boob ratio has moved to a booby-er profile.
The musical choices are not as good in this film (I loved the song "Accidentally in Love" from Shrek 2) - the use of "Live and Let Die" was particularly stupid. I think they seem to be stuck with a huge budget and the desire to buy expensive songs which may not really link to the story, such as it is. The Sly and the Family Stone song over the ending credits was nice, but by that point in the film I was really sick of Eddie Murphy's buffoonery.
Final analysis? I was really, really, really disappointed at the messages of Shrek the Third - sure, there was a little bit of "stick up for what's right" and "believe in yourself", but it was couched in such sexist drivel as to be useless. And the lily landscape was just too much for my delicate wishing-to-be-seen sensibilities.
The animation techniques have gotten so incredibly good, it was really stunning at times - light and shadow and skin/hair textures especially so.
I won't say "don't go", but man, I'm still kind of bummed out about it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Intelligent intercourse
I typed "intercourse" in the post title while desperately trying to remember the word "discourse", but failing. Although I've found the right word, I'm leaving my original title intact.
So. I've been blessed lately by a resurgence in my intellectual capability. I really do think there is a physiological difference in how I cogitate these days, as compared to a year ago (when I was in the depths of months-long depression). I have not only the will but [usually] ready access to words, phrases and mental energy. A good thing by any account.
What I still don't have is cohesion. I'm a spider on acid, spinning a web which has no pattern but is just a jumble. So that's something to work on.
It's fun though, being more myself than I've been in years. Being smarter, more sound in body and mind.
Until... Until I really got into my reduced calorie diet thing. I do *feel* better, both sharper and healthier, but I need to eat more. It's just how it is. I've been weepy for days until yesterday when I had a few (really tasty vegan 'cowgirl') cookies and a nice dinner. If it had just been a day of weepies, I would have chalked it up to something else. It was THREE DAYS of weepies, after a long time with no extended weepiness.
So far, it's looking like more food cured it. See, eating does fix everything! :P
But really, besides having a lot of stuff happening all at once, and really stressing out about my interim course (it's good though, to see which skills I have and which I lack when it comes to doing research for a paper), the food is the one thing I can see as a 'cause'. At first I thought it was likely just exacerbating the stress I am feeling from difference quarters. I also think there may be a psychological component to it.
This week came a realization that I was still buying into many of the things I think I don't buy into. I read a book called "The 6-day Makeover", which included an insane diet (very low calorie, zero sugar, very low carb) and really reasonable exercise plan (lots of long term, steadily paced walking - which I think I might start doing as my main exercise). And as I read it I was thinking "I should do this, it's the right thing to do, I need to lose this weight, I need to be different." And there I sat trying to figure out how to convince myself that a meal of TWO OUNCES of Turkey and 1/2 CUP of berries was a PERFECTLY FINE thing and that I could survive a week of eating 6 small meals a day and no salt and blah blah blah, when I realized that in some way I was trying to justify this guy's desire to make a living selling diet-books. That in no small way I was justifying the horrible things my dad said to me about my body when I was 12. That for all the noise I make to other women, I was in no way about to accept my own body as okay unless I had sacrificed something to look 'better'*.
And that's fucked up.
So the book is going back to the library, not being opened again by me, and I'm going to retool my weight loss plan. For now I am NOT going to try to lose 35 lbs in (now 16) weeks but work on a slower weight loss.
I see how bf accepts his own body and while I have different goals for my health, I want to emulate his level of self-acceptance (which spans across all aspects of his life). I see how my friend Ted has a long-term view of life (and his weight maintenance), and want to emulate that. I see how other friends have a joy and excitement about life and want to emulate that.
And in the meantime, I'm going to be working on using my voice, because it feels good.
*I do still want to look 'better', which for me is really about less belly fat, and some tone back into my upper body and thighs. I still maintain that my freshman 15 (really a sophomore 30) is losable, just not as quickly as I'd hoped.
So. I've been blessed lately by a resurgence in my intellectual capability. I really do think there is a physiological difference in how I cogitate these days, as compared to a year ago (when I was in the depths of months-long depression). I have not only the will but [usually] ready access to words, phrases and mental energy. A good thing by any account.
What I still don't have is cohesion. I'm a spider on acid, spinning a web which has no pattern but is just a jumble. So that's something to work on.
It's fun though, being more myself than I've been in years. Being smarter, more sound in body and mind.
Until... Until I really got into my reduced calorie diet thing. I do *feel* better, both sharper and healthier, but I need to eat more. It's just how it is. I've been weepy for days until yesterday when I had a few (really tasty vegan 'cowgirl') cookies and a nice dinner. If it had just been a day of weepies, I would have chalked it up to something else. It was THREE DAYS of weepies, after a long time with no extended weepiness.
So far, it's looking like more food cured it. See, eating does fix everything! :P
But really, besides having a lot of stuff happening all at once, and really stressing out about my interim course (it's good though, to see which skills I have and which I lack when it comes to doing research for a paper), the food is the one thing I can see as a 'cause'. At first I thought it was likely just exacerbating the stress I am feeling from difference quarters. I also think there may be a psychological component to it.
This week came a realization that I was still buying into many of the things I think I don't buy into. I read a book called "The 6-day Makeover", which included an insane diet (very low calorie, zero sugar, very low carb) and really reasonable exercise plan (lots of long term, steadily paced walking - which I think I might start doing as my main exercise). And as I read it I was thinking "I should do this, it's the right thing to do, I need to lose this weight, I need to be different." And there I sat trying to figure out how to convince myself that a meal of TWO OUNCES of Turkey and 1/2 CUP of berries was a PERFECTLY FINE thing and that I could survive a week of eating 6 small meals a day and no salt and blah blah blah, when I realized that in some way I was trying to justify this guy's desire to make a living selling diet-books. That in no small way I was justifying the horrible things my dad said to me about my body when I was 12. That for all the noise I make to other women, I was in no way about to accept my own body as okay unless I had sacrificed something to look 'better'*.
And that's fucked up.
So the book is going back to the library, not being opened again by me, and I'm going to retool my weight loss plan. For now I am NOT going to try to lose 35 lbs in (now 16) weeks but work on a slower weight loss.
I see how bf accepts his own body and while I have different goals for my health, I want to emulate his level of self-acceptance (which spans across all aspects of his life). I see how my friend Ted has a long-term view of life (and his weight maintenance), and want to emulate that. I see how other friends have a joy and excitement about life and want to emulate that.
And in the meantime, I'm going to be working on using my voice, because it feels good.
*I do still want to look 'better', which for me is really about less belly fat, and some tone back into my upper body and thighs. I still maintain that my freshman 15 (really a sophomore 30) is losable, just not as quickly as I'd hoped.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
identity theory | fiction | frank bollinger day by michael agostino
identity theory | fiction | frank bollinger day by michael agostino:
"Frank Bollinger Day
by Michael Agostino
Posted: April 20, 2007
I was desperate to hire somebody, and John Gaines qualified. He aced the test, his resumé oozed with experience, and he was nice, really nice. You get your jittery chatterboxes with sweat dripping from their hands and your head-nodders that make you listen to yourself talk. There are people in between who don't dress well or have dirty fingernails, things you notice. But John was great. He dressed nice, not stiff. Clean and groomed. He answered the questions like he knew what I was talking about. I was put at ease by the way he looked at me and cheerfully commented on my office decor.
He was somebody all right, except of course for the bitter fact that he had been fired from every job he'd listed on his resumé. You've got to think the guy is either confident or nuts."
This is from IdentityTheory.com, which I found in a round about way while looking for information on the author of a book I am reading. I've just looked at a few of their nonfiction stories and I like what I have seen.
"Frank Bollinger Day
by Michael Agostino
Posted: April 20, 2007
I was desperate to hire somebody, and John Gaines qualified. He aced the test, his resumé oozed with experience, and he was nice, really nice. You get your jittery chatterboxes with sweat dripping from their hands and your head-nodders that make you listen to yourself talk. There are people in between who don't dress well or have dirty fingernails, things you notice. But John was great. He dressed nice, not stiff. Clean and groomed. He answered the questions like he knew what I was talking about. I was put at ease by the way he looked at me and cheerfully commented on my office decor.
He was somebody all right, except of course for the bitter fact that he had been fired from every job he'd listed on his resumé. You've got to think the guy is either confident or nuts."
This is from IdentityTheory.com, which I found in a round about way while looking for information on the author of a book I am reading. I've just looked at a few of their nonfiction stories and I like what I have seen.
Shorter Steven Soderbergh: "Chinese man = Wookie = Comedy"
There's laughter at 'Ocean's Thirteen' news conference, but seriously … - Los Angeles Times:
"On a slightly more serious note, a Hong Kong reporter said that the Chinese are not thrilled with the way in which [Shaobo]Qin's character, Yen the grease-man, has been portrayed throughout the series. Soderbergh was visibly shocked when the reporter asked why he is made to seem like a 'clown' and why a joke is made of him only speaking Chinese.
'I think we're an equal opportunity offender,' said Soderbergh. 'The joke is that everyone can understand him. It's like Chewbacca. He talks and everyone acts like they know what he's saying. I think if you get to the point where you have to explain comedy you're in trouble. But I'm really sorry.'
"
Wow - I could not believe this statement.
"Ha Ha, we offend everyone so it's okay!"
Um, no. Perhaps if he had made some joke about Don Cheadle (comparing his character to a Jar Jar Binks, say - yes, it's a stretch, but I'm illustrating a point) this might have made waves - it would have sounded wrong to people and there might be some repercussions. But a Chinese guy? Who doesn't even speak English? No problem, it's hilarious.
Saying "I'm an equal opportunity offender" makes you a self-deluded bigot. What does that mean? He makes "women sure do get bitchy when it's their time of the month" jokes right after "boy, hispanics sure talk fast" and "wow, aren't those jews good with money" gags?
******
To be clear, I think bits like this, where one character speaks a different language (or in the case of Benicio Del Toro in The Ususal Suspects, an unintelligible dialect), but the main characters get it is actually funny most of the time. But Steven Soderbergh isn't the most subtle of filmmakers and Qin's character isn't really an equal to the others in the film. That I can let go, seeing as the balance of the ensemble is maintained for a certain effect and considers the star power of the actors involved. It's that Soderbergh is blithely comparing Yen to Chewbacca.
I'm just saying. Comparing a non-human character to a human one in this way shows more than he realizes.
Seriously, dude, think about that one before you repeat it.
Friday, May 25, 2007
You are my family, now
My grades for the second half of the semester have just come in. I pulled straight A's again and cannot tell you how glad that makes me. Spanish was really bothering me, I was so upset about my performance on the final exam.
You wanna know my cumulative GPA? 3.9!
I'm so happy! The equation for figuring out what it will be when I finish the class I am in now (which is technically Spring semester) is confusing, but it seems reasonable that an A in this class will increase my GPA. But to 4.0* or something a bit lower?
Anyhow, I'm honor society material again this semester.
::Pats self on back::
And because I would love to feel that I could call my parents and have them be happy for me, but don't feel that way, I'm telling you guys.
* Dude if my cumulative GPA is 4.0, I'm going to take myself out for dinner, a movie, and maybe shopping for something nice.
You wanna know my cumulative GPA? 3.9!
I'm so happy! The equation for figuring out what it will be when I finish the class I am in now (which is technically Spring semester) is confusing, but it seems reasonable that an A in this class will increase my GPA. But to 4.0* or something a bit lower?
Anyhow, I'm honor society material again this semester.
::Pats self on back::
And because I would love to feel that I could call my parents and have them be happy for me, but don't feel that way, I'm telling you guys.
* Dude if my cumulative GPA is 4.0, I'm going to take myself out for dinner, a movie, and maybe shopping for something nice.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
It's Thursday
It's Thursday and I haven't posted? Oh Man.
I'm overdoing it with classwork right now and I need to take a break, but the sitting-in-front-of-the-computer inertia is keeping my ass firmly planted in my seat. Plus I'm digging the super quiet library now that the weird girl has stopped talking to herself for now and that guy's three kids are gone.
But yeah, I'm not actually "thinking" anymore, so sitting here is kind of a waste of time.
I don't have many plans for this week except working on my stuff. I have a 15 pg research paper due in exactly two weeks. The instructor says "this doesn't have to be the best writing of your life", but EVERYTHING must be the best writing of my life.
Right now, however, I need to get out of here and breathe some fresh air.
I'm overdoing it with classwork right now and I need to take a break, but the sitting-in-front-of-the-computer inertia is keeping my ass firmly planted in my seat. Plus I'm digging the super quiet library now that the weird girl has stopped talking to herself for now and that guy's three kids are gone.
But yeah, I'm not actually "thinking" anymore, so sitting here is kind of a waste of time.
I don't have many plans for this week except working on my stuff. I have a 15 pg research paper due in exactly two weeks. The instructor says "this doesn't have to be the best writing of your life", but EVERYTHING must be the best writing of my life.
Right now, however, I need to get out of here and breathe some fresh air.
Monday, May 21, 2007
May 2007 Erase Racism Carnival @ The Angry Black Woman
May 2007 Erase Racism Carnival « The Angry Black Woman
Bf is often privy to my bursts of anger, sadness or dismay (and oh so rarely pride/happiness) at things in the media and society which point out things I know but sometimes forget. Things which most often involve marginalization/degradation of non-white people and/or women.
I don't say it like that though, I just get mad and use the word fuck a lot (and bullshit, too).
The Angry Black Woman is a blog I have recently started reading regularly (I must do a blog post on the folks I read each day), and this month the Erase Racism Carnival is at her place. Lot's of talk about media representations of race. Haven't had the chance to read through everything, but I wanted to put it out there for you.
Enjoy!
[Atrocious spelling mistakes fixed. Yeesh, I was in a state today.]
Bf is often privy to my bursts of anger, sadness or dismay (and oh so rarely pride/happiness) at things in the media and society which point out things I know but sometimes forget. Things which most often involve marginalization/degradation of non-white people and/or women.
I don't say it like that though, I just get mad and use the word fuck a lot (and bullshit, too).
The Angry Black Woman is a blog I have recently started reading regularly (I must do a blog post on the folks I read each day), and this month the Erase Racism Carnival is at her place. Lot's of talk about media representations of race. Haven't had the chance to read through everything, but I wanted to put it out there for you.
Enjoy!
[Atrocious spelling mistakes fixed. Yeesh, I was in a state today.]
Laughs at self
Had an interesting day yesterday. A lot of talking and drinking too much really good beer.
And today I'm a bit tired and unhappy with my lots of beer.
A moment ago I had a thought, which like many of my realizations about myself made me laugh.
In the time it took me to start this post, I *forgot* what I was laughing at.
Hmm.
If I didn't have to get the 7 year old to school, I would most likely be back in bed right now, listening to birds sing.
But instead, I will be waking and bathing my boy - he's gotten very tricky lately and gets out of baths both here and at his dad's. Since he's so young, he doesn't stink, but a bath thrice a week won't kill him, right?
And today I'm a bit tired and unhappy with my lots of beer.
A moment ago I had a thought, which like many of my realizations about myself made me laugh.
In the time it took me to start this post, I *forgot* what I was laughing at.
Hmm.
If I didn't have to get the 7 year old to school, I would most likely be back in bed right now, listening to birds sing.
But instead, I will be waking and bathing my boy - he's gotten very tricky lately and gets out of baths both here and at his dad's. Since he's so young, he doesn't stink, but a bath thrice a week won't kill him, right?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
What next?
Need something today, don't know what.
Have been having some pretty bad stomach aches, which I attribute to upping my fruit and veg intake by 700% this week. Perhaps I need to start making pureed soups or something to give myself a break?
I have a great recipe from the moosewood cookbook for a 'creamed' spinach soup which uses potato as a base. But it's nearly summer, so soup isn't all that appetizing.
This morning I think I'm going to try a protien shake and maybe some apple sauce.
Been so caught up in my head and yet the things I've been thinking about are so - weightless. Feel as though I'm wasting time but I think I am not.
Actually, I was just now *planning on wasting time* with a cup of coffee and a book.
But seeing as it's a plan and all, it has to be productive. Right?
Have been having some pretty bad stomach aches, which I attribute to upping my fruit and veg intake by 700% this week. Perhaps I need to start making pureed soups or something to give myself a break?
I have a great recipe from the moosewood cookbook for a 'creamed' spinach soup which uses potato as a base. But it's nearly summer, so soup isn't all that appetizing.
This morning I think I'm going to try a protien shake and maybe some apple sauce.
Been so caught up in my head and yet the things I've been thinking about are so - weightless. Feel as though I'm wasting time but I think I am not.
Actually, I was just now *planning on wasting time* with a cup of coffee and a book.
But seeing as it's a plan and all, it has to be productive. Right?
Friday, May 18, 2007
I want it all or nothing at all*
Realized last night that I am in a deeply introspective mood. This while sitting in great seats at Park West in Chicago, listening to incredible music and having a hell of a time getting my brain to STOP feeding me information beyond the music.
I thought about so much and at more than one point was *forcing* myself to stop thinking. I gave up and just tried to get more in touch with the outside world. You know the saying/trick: "Don't think about an elephant." What are you thinking about right now? Picturing in your head? An elephant, right?
When I finally stopped struggling against all of the connections my brain was making, instead of being washed away by the music I was noticing it in waves, like standing on the beach and having the waves rush over you. Not bad. Thankfully we get to see them again (I couldn't resist buying tickets when I saw that Porcupine Tree were coming back to the small venue in Milwaukee where we'd seen them in in 2005) in a couple of weeks, at which time I will stand as close to the front as my little ears can stand and let the music wash over me, go through me, and threaten, as PT does, to turn me inside out.
* a post title deserving of a second time out when I get my head together...
I thought about so much and at more than one point was *forcing* myself to stop thinking. I gave up and just tried to get more in touch with the outside world. You know the saying/trick: "Don't think about an elephant." What are you thinking about right now? Picturing in your head? An elephant, right?
When I finally stopped struggling against all of the connections my brain was making, instead of being washed away by the music I was noticing it in waves, like standing on the beach and having the waves rush over you. Not bad. Thankfully we get to see them again (I couldn't resist buying tickets when I saw that Porcupine Tree were coming back to the small venue in Milwaukee where we'd seen them in in 2005) in a couple of weeks, at which time I will stand as close to the front as my little ears can stand and let the music wash over me, go through me, and threaten, as PT does, to turn me inside out.
* a post title deserving of a second time out when I get my head together...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
See the Cat? See the Cradle?
Just finished my first Vonnegut. I think the copy I have was either given to me by my friend Ted or a purchase inspired by him 4 years ago.
Wow. It was very good.
Next on my list is "Harry Potter y la Piedra Filosofal" (an all-summer project) and the two Cracker novels I have on hold at the library.
Wow. It was very good.
Next on my list is "Harry Potter y la Piedra Filosofal" (an all-summer project) and the two Cracker novels I have on hold at the library.
Huh.
There are three Amish men down the street erecting something which looks suspiciously like a barn on my neighbour's lawn.
A testament to my character that I did not stop to gawk, but the shit-eating grins of both my neighbour and the other non-Amish who were there convinced me to keep driving.
That was a pretty neat sight, though.
A testament to my character that I did not stop to gawk, but the shit-eating grins of both my neighbour and the other non-Amish who were there convinced me to keep driving.
That was a pretty neat sight, though.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Don't want to clean no more
No more.
I am really done with cleaning for the day - I keep thinking I'm going to go fiddle with some stuff and then I realize, no, I don't want to. Didn't leave the house until 5:30 this evening.
So tonight, while I REALLY wanna feel productive, I'm gonna go curl up on the couch and watch a bit of Sid & Nancy instead.
I am really done with cleaning for the day - I keep thinking I'm going to go fiddle with some stuff and then I realize, no, I don't want to. Didn't leave the house until 5:30 this evening.
So tonight, while I REALLY wanna feel productive, I'm gonna go curl up on the couch and watch a bit of Sid & Nancy instead.
Can't Stop.
Very very very busy today. Cleaning my house (major house cleaning) and no matter how much I do there is that much more to do. Will have to accept imperfection in the end.
Have until 5:00pm today, more or less, and after 7pm will start up again in earnest, doing as much as I can until 7am tomorrow. This is serious business.
Relocated my computer back to the room which served as office for many years, but for at least 2 has been a junk room. My bedroom and the kid's room is really lovely, but there are 4 rooms to go before I'm even close to being done.
Saturday's post on loneliness is scary! I really thought twice about posting it, and worried about it afterward, but I'm glad I did. Facing it and figuring out why it is will help me be a better person. Blah, blah, blah. But it's true.
Can't stop, must get back to work. Have a sticky 'v' key now, must disassemble my keyboard and clean it. No, not now! Later, though. When the living room, kitchen, dining room and playroom are clean. This weekend, perhaps.
Have until 5:00pm today, more or less, and after 7pm will start up again in earnest, doing as much as I can until 7am tomorrow. This is serious business.
Relocated my computer back to the room which served as office for many years, but for at least 2 has been a junk room. My bedroom and the kid's room is really lovely, but there are 4 rooms to go before I'm even close to being done.
Saturday's post on loneliness is scary! I really thought twice about posting it, and worried about it afterward, but I'm glad I did. Facing it and figuring out why it is will help me be a better person. Blah, blah, blah. But it's true.
Can't stop, must get back to work. Have a sticky 'v' key now, must disassemble my keyboard and clean it. No, not now! Later, though. When the living room, kitchen, dining room and playroom are clean. This weekend, perhaps.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Shine your teeth til meaningless
As I flossed my teeth this morning (and boy did they need it seeing as I somehow had misplaced the floss this week), the song "How to Fight Loneliness" by Wilco came into my head.
What most people don't know about me, at least casual observers, is that I am a very lonely person. I'm not always lonely, nor am I alone, but I feel, very often, a keen yearning for the company and companionship of others which is not often fulfilled.
Thinking about this song, I realize two things: I should spend more time feeling okay about the world, and I cannot fight my loneliness in the way the song describes (the suggestions are tongue in cheek anyhow). I cannot "smile all the time" no matter how hard I try, and sometimes it makes me feel lonelier. My life circumstances don't make drinking or going out to shows to find companionship practical. Nor do my desires or what makes me feel good.
A year ago I was in a lot of pain, all of the time. I often felt lonely and wondered why I should even be here. And I had absolutely no hope that those things would change. But...they have. Albeit slowly and with a one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of rhythm.
Now, flossing done and melancholy at dangerous levels, it's time for me to goshine brush my teeth.
How to Fight Loneliness
How to fight loneliness?
Smile all the time
Shine your teeth 'til meaningless
And sharpen them with lies
And whatever's going down
Will follow you around
That's how you fight loneliness
You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
And fill your heart with smoke
And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you ever need
That's how you fight it
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
What most people don't know about me, at least casual observers, is that I am a very lonely person. I'm not always lonely, nor am I alone, but I feel, very often, a keen yearning for the company and companionship of others which is not often fulfilled.
Thinking about this song, I realize two things: I should spend more time feeling okay about the world, and I cannot fight my loneliness in the way the song describes (the suggestions are tongue in cheek anyhow). I cannot "smile all the time" no matter how hard I try, and sometimes it makes me feel lonelier. My life circumstances don't make drinking or going out to shows to find companionship practical. Nor do my desires or what makes me feel good.
A year ago I was in a lot of pain, all of the time. I often felt lonely and wondered why I should even be here. And I had absolutely no hope that those things would change. But...they have. Albeit slowly and with a one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of rhythm.
Now, flossing done and melancholy at dangerous levels, it's time for me to go
Friday, May 11, 2007
NHLBI Obesity Education Initiative
NHLBI Obesity Education Initiative
Have I told you the story about how I lost a whole bunch of weight a few years ago? Actually, 2005 was when I made my goal weight (152, although I got down to 150 at some point). I loved being so slender, and I bought lots of clothes.
Then, starting about a year ago, I started gaining weight. Cut to the end, I am now nearly 50 pounds heavier than my goal weight. Far too big to fit into the slightly larger duds I bought to wear last summer.
Not happy about that.
Although I've made moves and noises toward losing during the past 6 months - tonight it was decided: I'm going to lose 35 pounds. My goal is a very ambitious 18 weeks (1.9 lbs/week). It seems absolutely mad, and we'll see how long my resolve lasts, but I need something, and I need it now.
My current BMI is 30.1, which puts me in the obese range. Ahem. Yeah, after all the work I put in to lose the weight the frst time, I'm not too thrilled with it. My goal is to get to a BMI of 25.1, which puts me in the 'normal' weight range.
So there it is. I'm not going to blog about it a lot because this blog isn't about that. But I'll let you know of any major events.
If any one wants to join me in friendly weight loss (or friendly competitive weight loss ala Massive Beasts) let me know.
At some point it will behoove me to write about the larger social implications of weight and body size, body image, media, etc. But right now it's about my life and what I think will make me feel better. Plus, the clothes! I'm too cheap to buy new ones.
Have I told you the story about how I lost a whole bunch of weight a few years ago? Actually, 2005 was when I made my goal weight (152, although I got down to 150 at some point). I loved being so slender, and I bought lots of clothes.
Then, starting about a year ago, I started gaining weight. Cut to the end, I am now nearly 50 pounds heavier than my goal weight. Far too big to fit into the slightly larger duds I bought to wear last summer.
Not happy about that.
Although I've made moves and noises toward losing during the past 6 months - tonight it was decided: I'm going to lose 35 pounds. My goal is a very ambitious 18 weeks (1.9 lbs/week). It seems absolutely mad, and we'll see how long my resolve lasts, but I need something, and I need it now.
My current BMI is 30.1, which puts me in the obese range. Ahem. Yeah, after all the work I put in to lose the weight the frst time, I'm not too thrilled with it. My goal is to get to a BMI of 25.1, which puts me in the 'normal' weight range.
So there it is. I'm not going to blog about it a lot because this blog isn't about that. But I'll let you know of any major events.
If any one wants to join me in friendly weight loss (or friendly competitive weight loss ala Massive Beasts) let me know.
At some point it will behoove me to write about the larger social implications of weight and body size, body image, media, etc. But right now it's about my life and what I think will make me feel better. Plus, the clothes! I'm too cheap to buy new ones.
The Pfc. LaVena Johnson Petition
The Pfc. LaVena Johnson Petition
Philip Barron, aka Waveflux (of Waveflux and Shakespeare's Sister) has been writing a lot about the case of LaVena Johnson, who was killed in Iraq.
Her parents were told it was a suicide but since learning of her death a lot of questions have been raised about the cirmcumstances of her death.
The link above goes to a petition site which is also full of information on the case and LaVena Johnson. The purpose of the petition is to urge the Armed Service Committees of the House and Senate to reopen the investigation into her death.
I urge you to take a look at the site and then go sign the petition.
Philip Barron, aka Waveflux (of Waveflux and Shakespeare's Sister) has been writing a lot about the case of LaVena Johnson, who was killed in Iraq.
Her parents were told it was a suicide but since learning of her death a lot of questions have been raised about the cirmcumstances of her death.
The link above goes to a petition site which is also full of information on the case and LaVena Johnson. The purpose of the petition is to urge the Armed Service Committees of the House and Senate to reopen the investigation into her death.
I urge you to take a look at the site and then go sign the petition.
Quick!
Tell me something good!
I've been reading news blogs today and thinking far too deeply for my mental health.
Plus, I did poorly on my exam and although in the scope of things it's not a big deal, it really made me upset for a bit. Got up, dusted myself off and got back to work.
But still!
Okay, really, I'm nearly over it. It's a lot nicer to worry about than let's say...lot's of other stuff.
I've been reading news blogs today and thinking far too deeply for my mental health.
Plus, I did poorly on my exam and although in the scope of things it's not a big deal, it really made me upset for a bit. Got up, dusted myself off and got back to work.
But still!
Okay, really, I'm nearly over it. It's a lot nicer to worry about than let's say...lot's of other stuff.
Cool
It has cooled off from temperatures in the 80s to the 60s...
And I am happy about it.
Now I'm off to take my oral exam for Spanish.
Hooray!
And I am happy about it.
Now I'm off to take my oral exam for Spanish.
Hooray!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
"An IUD For The Boys"
The Well-Timed Period: An IUD For The Boys
WOW! I think this is a really interesting development. My IUD is a real blessing (except for the anemia). I love this idea. And seeing as it's far easier to reverse and inexpensive... Very cool.
WOW! I think this is a really interesting development. My IUD is a real blessing (except for the anemia). I love this idea. And seeing as it's far easier to reverse and inexpensive... Very cool.
"Mental Health is Everyone’s Business"
Mental Health is Everyone’s Business: Historical Reflections on the Virginia Tech Shootings
I don't watch much (if any, really) television news, and I haven't read a newspaper in months, so I spared myself of the non stop data/speculation orgy that was going on right after the killings at Virginia Tech. I guess, actually, that I took in as much as I could that first day, and when I realized some of the facts about the case, I made a decision to not seek out more information.
In other words, I got enough information to know that I wasn't going to get any more.
However, I have listened when people who know about this kind of thing speak (or in the case of the linked article, write). This Tuesday on Democracy Now there was an interesting interview with Katherine Newman, a Princeton faculty member and author of a book on the social origins of school shootings.
In reading the article I link to above (written by Heather Munro Prescott, a professor of history and author of a book on student health services), I was reminded that having andadmitting to mental health problems can be detrimental to your school career. Sigh.* Until recently there weren't any really noticable repercussions in my life in general (from disclosing my mental health history), but when it rained, it poured. I'm glad that there are mechanisms in place at my institution of higher learning to help me and not harm me.
As an aside, there was also a great segment on the NRAs lobbying to get guns onto college campuses and school grounds. Freaky stuff. Those people are really nuts.
*You know, there is a point where I stop and think "someone might think I am somehow defending the shooter in Virginia", and then I reject that thought, because if a person extrapolates that from what I have written they are really stretching things. I'm learning (but obviously, still doing so) to say what I mean and not have to qualify everything.
I don't watch much (if any, really) television news, and I haven't read a newspaper in months, so I spared myself of the non stop data/speculation orgy that was going on right after the killings at Virginia Tech. I guess, actually, that I took in as much as I could that first day, and when I realized some of the facts about the case, I made a decision to not seek out more information.
In other words, I got enough information to know that I wasn't going to get any more.
However, I have listened when people who know about this kind of thing speak (or in the case of the linked article, write). This Tuesday on Democracy Now there was an interesting interview with Katherine Newman, a Princeton faculty member and author of a book on the social origins of school shootings.
In reading the article I link to above (written by Heather Munro Prescott, a professor of history and author of a book on student health services), I was reminded that having andadmitting to mental health problems can be detrimental to your school career. Sigh.* Until recently there weren't any really noticable repercussions in my life in general (from disclosing my mental health history), but when it rained, it poured. I'm glad that there are mechanisms in place at my institution of higher learning to help me and not harm me.
As an aside, there was also a great segment on the NRAs lobbying to get guns onto college campuses and school grounds. Freaky stuff. Those people are really nuts.
*You know, there is a point where I stop and think "someone might think I am somehow defending the shooter in Virginia", and then I reject that thought, because if a person extrapolates that from what I have written they are really stretching things. I'm learning (but obviously, still doing so) to say what I mean and not have to qualify everything.
Rational Thinking
In my Myth Magic and Religion Anthro course, we talked about the ideal of Rational vs. Irrational thinking and how humans are really arational thinkers (of course, cannot remember subtleties of this discussion nor who coined the 'arational' term - and is that two rs? looks weird with one).
But I am up at 2 am (again, waking from sleep insomnia strikes), and suddenly have this unformed discussion about rationalism in my head. Oh, I know, was thinking about astrology, by which I am occasionally fascinated. Bf thinks it is a bunch of hooey, which for prognostication purposes may be true. But how interesting that there are thick tomes written trying to understand the world through the stars. And not just "the stars", but the precise placement of stars in the sky.
It is a STUDY, regardless of the final use of the data collected. And I enjoy reading my horoscopes, if only as a daily meditative exercise (but honestly, sometimes I just enjoy them for the 'drama' they provide).
The myth of rational thought is pretty pervasive in our culture. The rational is thought to be cold, calculating and pure, the emotional to be hot, impulsive and contaminated. But rational thought, for humans, isn't as easy as it seems. Nor, in my opinion, is it as universally necessary as the rational thought camp thinks.
What makes a rational thought isn't as objective as we'd like to think. To my mind, it can be a rational decision for a person to commit suicide - but some people would typify that as irrational, always. To (at least some of the) people who voted for George Bush twice, that was a rational decision. To me? Crazy as hell.
The idea of rational vs. irrational is largely about seeing the world as Western vs. Not as well. That the mythologies of the dominant religions in the west (Judeo Xtan and Islamic traditions) are not "magic", but other (generally smaller indigenous) religious traditions are considered magical and therefore lesser is the largest example of this. And within the larger context many people in the US have been calling Islam an irrational religion while ignoring the irrational nature of Christianity).
For me, being absolutist about anything is not the ideal. Of course, I am like a dish full of mercury*, never staying in one cohesive piece for long, able to split and regroup around ideas and ideologies.
This is not to say that I am 'against' rational thinking. Of course not. Some days calculating rational thought is all that keeps me from running away to join the circus. Irrational thoughts can be helpful as well - being free to think about all of the options, no matter how unrealistic, is a part of being creative. Knowing when it's time to be rational and time to be irrational seems to be a valuable skill.
With all that I see and hear and my one-step-back position from most discussions and situations, I just don't feel I need to pick a camp. I like it here on my small patch of a-rational land.
*This makes vast amounts of sense, seeing that I am a Gemini, who is influenced very heavily by the planet Mercury. Just saying.
But I am up at 2 am (again, waking from sleep insomnia strikes), and suddenly have this unformed discussion about rationalism in my head. Oh, I know, was thinking about astrology, by which I am occasionally fascinated. Bf thinks it is a bunch of hooey, which for prognostication purposes may be true. But how interesting that there are thick tomes written trying to understand the world through the stars. And not just "the stars", but the precise placement of stars in the sky.
It is a STUDY, regardless of the final use of the data collected. And I enjoy reading my horoscopes, if only as a daily meditative exercise (but honestly, sometimes I just enjoy them for the 'drama' they provide).
The myth of rational thought is pretty pervasive in our culture. The rational is thought to be cold, calculating and pure, the emotional to be hot, impulsive and contaminated. But rational thought, for humans, isn't as easy as it seems. Nor, in my opinion, is it as universally necessary as the rational thought camp thinks.
What makes a rational thought isn't as objective as we'd like to think. To my mind, it can be a rational decision for a person to commit suicide - but some people would typify that as irrational, always. To (at least some of the) people who voted for George Bush twice, that was a rational decision. To me? Crazy as hell.
The idea of rational vs. irrational is largely about seeing the world as Western vs. Not as well. That the mythologies of the dominant religions in the west (Judeo Xtan and Islamic traditions) are not "magic", but other (generally smaller indigenous) religious traditions are considered magical and therefore lesser is the largest example of this. And within the larger context many people in the US have been calling Islam an irrational religion while ignoring the irrational nature of Christianity).
For me, being absolutist about anything is not the ideal. Of course, I am like a dish full of mercury*, never staying in one cohesive piece for long, able to split and regroup around ideas and ideologies.
This is not to say that I am 'against' rational thinking. Of course not. Some days calculating rational thought is all that keeps me from running away to join the circus. Irrational thoughts can be helpful as well - being free to think about all of the options, no matter how unrealistic, is a part of being creative. Knowing when it's time to be rational and time to be irrational seems to be a valuable skill.
With all that I see and hear and my one-step-back position from most discussions and situations, I just don't feel I need to pick a camp. I like it here on my small patch of a-rational land.
*This makes vast amounts of sense, seeing that I am a Gemini, who is influenced very heavily by the planet Mercury. Just saying.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Up and at them
Oh boy, I am in a stay-in-bed-listening-to-the-birds-chirp mood, but there is no one to make me coffee or bring me something to read.
Had a tree 'fall down' in the back yard, lukcily it was a small one. Bf came over on the weekend and felled it as well as cutting it into pieces. Yesterday afternoon I got the boys to help me take the brush to the front yard (praying they are going to pick it up soon). Like herding cats to get those children to do such a chore. Jeez.
Bf came over for a bit after work and helped me get all of the leaves up (yes, I hadn't finished a lot of autmnal yard work last year). I took a wee break to recharge and mowed the lawn! It's been a long time since I had that much energy - it's exciting to be back. If only I didn't have so much cleaning to do.
Around 9:30 last night started up the flan for my Spanish class party today - it's better the next day of course, but overnight will have to do.
Oh, and for dinner, I had a QUART of organic strawberries. I was only going to have a few but they were perfect and incredibly fragrant and so delicious. It had to be done.
This morning I have to study just a bit, so now that I have coffee, I'm going to sit for a few more minutes and listen to the birds chirp.
Had a tree 'fall down' in the back yard, lukcily it was a small one. Bf came over on the weekend and felled it as well as cutting it into pieces. Yesterday afternoon I got the boys to help me take the brush to the front yard (praying they are going to pick it up soon). Like herding cats to get those children to do such a chore. Jeez.
Bf came over for a bit after work and helped me get all of the leaves up (yes, I hadn't finished a lot of autmnal yard work last year). I took a wee break to recharge and mowed the lawn! It's been a long time since I had that much energy - it's exciting to be back. If only I didn't have so much cleaning to do.
Around 9:30 last night started up the flan for my Spanish class party today - it's better the next day of course, but overnight will have to do.
Oh, and for dinner, I had a QUART of organic strawberries. I was only going to have a few but they were perfect and incredibly fragrant and so delicious. It had to be done.
This morning I have to study just a bit, so now that I have coffee, I'm going to sit for a few more minutes and listen to the birds chirp.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Dentist
My dentist, Dr. W, is nice (as is the assistant D) - my tooth is fixed and I'm home an hour after I left the house (off again after taking out the garbage and posting). Turns out my childhood dentist is pitching softball games. He's only 60! Which means he was not old when I saw him when I was 7. 30 years ago, the guy was only 30 - I thought he was old then.
Hee.
Hee.
Naivete
I just realized that I still hold on to a very naive thought about the world: that everyone else worries/thinks about things like I do. That every thoughtless act or statement was purposely crafted instead of done or said thoughtlessly.
Wow.
I'll forget that again sometime soon and remember it again, being just slightly less surprised by it than I am now.
Wow.
I'll forget that again sometime soon and remember it again, being just slightly less surprised by it than I am now.
Suicide Food
The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live both had great send ups of this concept - food (most notably an animal mascot) wishing to eat itself. Suicide Food is a serious exploration of this troubling phenomenon.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Yay sleep
Maybe it was the vanilla ice cream, maybe it was inevitable due to extreme exhaustion, but I slept on Saturday night, fairly well. Woke rested but restless due to truncated Saturday plans, and was out the door around 8.
Last night went to bed a bit late but not too bad, accidentally slept in this morning, but all went well, despite my 15 minute deadline to clothe, feed and deliver the 7 year old to school. He had gotten up earlier so the fight to drag him from his bed was not an issue.
Had an incredibly busy but dull to relate day, picked up the boy early and got him cleaned up so we could enjoy dinner with bf's mother, in town for the day. We ate well and I tried to relax - I'm really worried I'll do something horribly wrong, but even the boy could tell bf's mom is a really nice person "She'd like everybody Mom, even people who did something bad."
Cleaned for a while, read blogs, thought about studying for my exam (curse you repaso - por vs. para will be my undoing). Got a bee in my bonnet about something and don't know how to bring it up with the involved parties.
Need to plan a vacation, even if it's just me in a motel 100 miles out of town, watching bad movies on cable. Need some time to regroup and enjoy time outside of Time.
Tomorrow I am getting a spot of dental work done. It's not a big deal but on a front tooth. Since I've got a front top crown already, I guess I'm a bit sensitive about work in that area.
Oh, and then an EXAM! The fun, as it were, never stops!
Have I talked about local, national or world politics lately? It's not because I don't think about them.
I hope to be posting much more in the future (read: this summer after my 3 week interim course is done) in the area of picture posts and travelogues. I've got things to see and do and stories to tell.
Last night went to bed a bit late but not too bad, accidentally slept in this morning, but all went well, despite my 15 minute deadline to clothe, feed and deliver the 7 year old to school. He had gotten up earlier so the fight to drag him from his bed was not an issue.
Had an incredibly busy but dull to relate day, picked up the boy early and got him cleaned up so we could enjoy dinner with bf's mother, in town for the day. We ate well and I tried to relax - I'm really worried I'll do something horribly wrong, but even the boy could tell bf's mom is a really nice person "She'd like everybody Mom, even people who did something bad."
Cleaned for a while, read blogs, thought about studying for my exam (curse you repaso - por vs. para will be my undoing). Got a bee in my bonnet about something and don't know how to bring it up with the involved parties.
Need to plan a vacation, even if it's just me in a motel 100 miles out of town, watching bad movies on cable. Need some time to regroup and enjoy time outside of Time.
Tomorrow I am getting a spot of dental work done. It's not a big deal but on a front tooth. Since I've got a front top crown already, I guess I'm a bit sensitive about work in that area.
Oh, and then an EXAM! The fun, as it were, never stops!
Have I talked about local, national or world politics lately? It's not because I don't think about them.
I hope to be posting much more in the future (read: this summer after my 3 week interim course is done) in the area of picture posts and travelogues. I've got things to see and do and stories to tell.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Good Grief
Oh Noes.
So, I mention my insomnia in the last post. I woke up at 11:45 last night and just ended up staying up through the evening and into the morning.
I wasn't feeling too bad until about 3, when I realized that I shouldn't run any errands because I didn't trust myself to drive safely. I'm just too tired. At 4, after a shower which I figured would wake me or put me to sleep, I lay down in bed and *nearly* fell asleep for a couple of hours.
But: my heart is beating so hard (not, I think, literally, it just feels very present in my chest). And I need to tell you this: I have had 1/4 cup of coffee today, 12 hours ago, so I don't think that is it.
Unfortunately, I'm AWAKE but too fried to drive, missing not one but two cookouts, destined to fall alseep on the couch wishing I had cable (or indeed any tv reception downstairs).
This is getting ridiculous! It had better be a fluke! Maybe ice cream will help?
So, I mention my insomnia in the last post. I woke up at 11:45 last night and just ended up staying up through the evening and into the morning.
I wasn't feeling too bad until about 3, when I realized that I shouldn't run any errands because I didn't trust myself to drive safely. I'm just too tired. At 4, after a shower which I figured would wake me or put me to sleep, I lay down in bed and *nearly* fell asleep for a couple of hours.
But: my heart is beating so hard (not, I think, literally, it just feels very present in my chest). And I need to tell you this: I have had 1/4 cup of coffee today, 12 hours ago, so I don't think that is it.
Unfortunately, I'm AWAKE but too fried to drive, missing not one but two cookouts, destined to fall alseep on the couch wishing I had cable (or indeed any tv reception downstairs).
This is getting ridiculous! It had better be a fluke! Maybe ice cream will help?
Good Lord
Just realized that I've been up for nearly 12 hours - it's 10:25 in the morning.
Insomnia, when it hits, doesn't mess around.
I'm excited about fixing my house up - the bathroom has been painted, and today begins the weekend's project: the office. Used as my exhusband's bedroom for a year or so, and sitting empty (empty isn't the right word at all, it's been full of crap) for more than two years, I am taking everything but the bookshelves out and tomorrow will dismantle my computer desk and put it up in there. This should fix my bad habit of getting up at all hours to sit at my computer. Of course, it means I can't listen to music or watch movies in my room any longer. I'll live. I may well end up moving into the downstairs bedroom before too long - I can move all of M's stuff up here and this could be his playroom! That would be nice.
"Saturday at the 70s" is on the radio - I used to listen to (50s and 60s) oldies every Saturday morning when I was a teenager. It's fun listening to this stuff with the kids.
I have been so busy this week, I've noticed that when I am still I start feeling weepy - my guess? I'm a bit overwhelmed with everything.
Okay, back to work.
Insomnia, when it hits, doesn't mess around.
I'm excited about fixing my house up - the bathroom has been painted, and today begins the weekend's project: the office. Used as my exhusband's bedroom for a year or so, and sitting empty (empty isn't the right word at all, it's been full of crap) for more than two years, I am taking everything but the bookshelves out and tomorrow will dismantle my computer desk and put it up in there. This should fix my bad habit of getting up at all hours to sit at my computer. Of course, it means I can't listen to music or watch movies in my room any longer. I'll live. I may well end up moving into the downstairs bedroom before too long - I can move all of M's stuff up here and this could be his playroom! That would be nice.
"Saturday at the 70s" is on the radio - I used to listen to (50s and 60s) oldies every Saturday morning when I was a teenager. It's fun listening to this stuff with the kids.
I have been so busy this week, I've noticed that when I am still I start feeling weepy - my guess? I'm a bit overwhelmed with everything.
Okay, back to work.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
she was none of these things, and all of them...
The end of the audiobook "How to Disappear Completely" (see link at left) is bringing tears to my eyes.
One of the lead characters becomes privy to all of time and the myriad timelines her life could have taken, would have taken, had taken.
It reminds me of how fast things seem to be going for me now, how any ending is possible to my story, how any storyline seems plausible.
It has been a good story.
One of the lead characters becomes privy to all of time and the myriad timelines her life could have taken, would have taken, had taken.
It reminds me of how fast things seem to be going for me now, how any ending is possible to my story, how any storyline seems plausible.
It has been a good story.
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