The Autonymph

Can't talk, moving

2008-07-22T12:46:00.001-05:00

I'll be away in my little corner of crazytown for the next 10 days or so, packing up my stuff, etc. See you when I see you!

The hardest job I'll ever (but not right now, quite frankly) love

2008-07-18T12:31:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I loathe being a mother.

Yep, I said it.

Sometimes I hate being a parent.

Today is one of those very challenging parenting days, where I feel like I'm pulled so thin I am going to SNAP at any moment.

The two hour solid temper tantrum was really enough, thank you.

I was feeling really excited about today (getting packing supplies, etc.) but now all I want to do is scream.

Sigh.

This too shall pass...

...I'm holding my hand out to you...

2008-07-13T22:53:00.002-05:00

...and you're walking away...

From Joan Jett's latest album, "Sinner".

I had the pleasure of seeing Joan Jett and the Blackhearts play at the Beloit Riverfest this past Saturday.

They were so fantastic. Joan Jett is amazing, sexy, and can rock like no one's business.

I immediately needed to buy her album (downloaded from her website) this morning, and I've been listening to it constantly whenever I can.

Aside from one dud ballad ("baby blue", which I just can't get into), the album is fantastic.

One of my favourites is "Bad Time" (this post gets it's title from that song), but the album has more than one gem on it.

Highly rec'd.

You can sample the album at her website.

picture post - construction

2008-07-07T08:57:00.002-05:00

This is construction on the UW Madison campus. Took these on the way to the Chazen museum last week. They are building an addition to the museum here.

Hmmmmm

2008-06-29T15:40:00.002-05:00

What on earth has been happening with me lately?

Not much.

Today has been a sweet, slow day. Spent with my honey having fun, grocery shopping, and laughing.

We went to a friend's house last night for a little cookout and then went to a nearby park to watch the big fireworks display put on each year (but rarely if ever on the 4th of July). I had fun watching fireworks for the first time in years. I'm a bit tetchy, if truth be told, and all of those big booms usually scare the heck out of me. But last night, perhaps eased by the many bottles of delicious New Glarus lager I was drinking, I just marveled at the beauty of the fireworks, and the fun of being surrounded by other people watching them.

Now I'm sitting at my boyfriend's place, listening to the sounds of him cooking dinner (I get to make the brandy flan later) and enjoying a bit of quiet time.

There is so much going on in the world, I don't even know where to start, if I wanted to talk about things. But you know what? I don't want to talk about what's going on in the world. I want to be in my corner of it and just be. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.

ZOMG, Delicious!

2008-06-20T09:46:00.003-05:00

The Boy and I just finished up a marvelous (if I do say so myself) breakfast of veggie omelet and roasted red and sweet potatoes.

The two best things about it?

1) The Veggies and Taters were leftovers, so no chopping was involved.
2) It was the boy's first proper omelet experience, and he really liked it!

Fat Rant 3: Joy Nash outdoes herself

2008-06-20T06:18:00.002-05:00

Another great "rant" from Joy Nash. It is so thoughtful and well done!

I realized after watching it that I am somewhat apologetic about liking how I look at any given moment, but I ought not be.

What a Beautiful Day

2008-06-18T16:59:00.002-05:00

Although it started out with my very-annoying-to-some-people two-hour nap, the day has been a good one. The weather, after so many days of humidity and rain, is perfect: sunny, breezy, warm but dry. Our (the boy and I) spirits are high and we had a great picnic on the lawn of the State Capitol, then we went inside and looked around for awhile.

After we'd had our fill (the Wisconsin Supreme Court Room [gallery, chamber?] is awesome, but tiny), we moved on to the Veteran's Museum. Seeing as I am pretty much a pacifist and not a history/strategy buff, I know I didn't appreciate the museum as much as the bf would have, but I was fascinated by what was shown, and by the detail of the descriptions for items and battles. It's a place made for someone with a longer attention span than either I or the boy had with us today. But a good place to finally check out.

We hung out downtown for another hour or so and got Italian sodas and walked until I tuckered him out.

It's still a beautiful day and I just finished loading the dishwasher after the two of us cleaned up the living room and I mopped. The boy's room is a disaster, and we need to get in there and really clean it, but that's for another day.

Today we are just recovering from our fine day out and preparing for a nice evening together. Yay us! We are surviving the first week of summer break. Not just surviving, but doing rather well for ourselves.

I will write about our bowling adventures later on!

The 7 Deadly Glasses

2008-06-13T18:41:00.002-05:00

Since my birthday on Sunday, I've been forced to abstain from alcohol. I hadn't realized how much I'd been enjoying sweet, sweet liquor until I was separated from it!

Saw these amazing glasses today and thought I needed to share. They are the work of an British artist and represent the seven deadly sins.

Definitely worth a click.

Oh, that's much better

2008-06-10T10:39:00.003-05:00

Had an incredibly rough weekend this past, despite lots of love and gifts from fam and the bf (and plenty of tasty drinks at my favourite watering hole on my birthday).

The sun has come out today (although storms threaten for this afternoon and evening), and I've just spent an hour sitting in the warm, wonderful weather.

Lovely!

Stuff Mixed People Like!!

2008-06-08T11:43:00.001-05:00

Finally, a site for me!

(although I'm actually not a fan of #2, in particular, it's okay, but doesn't *get* me)

I've got nothing to say but it's okay

2008-06-07T07:36:00.000-05:00

Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning-uh!

Me and my boys

2008-06-06T20:25:00.001-05:00

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

Still Fat, but relatively fit

2008-06-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

Hooray for me! I had my annual exam yesterday and my weight is nice and steady, but higher than it was, say, a year ago. I'm fine with it, or making peace with it at the least. It's just a number (much like age).

Anyhow, there was a tiny problem with one of my tests, so my clinician called me and gave me a few numbers over the phone, one of them being my blood sugar (80) and the other that my thyroid was just right. She didn't check my cholesterol because my numbers from last year were excellent (both kinds), and my blood pressure is the lowest it's ever been in my adult life.

Seriously, I'm in good shape, as far as blood work and blood pressure. I love having numbers like these to keep me grounded - because everywhere you turn people are telling you that you cannot have both body fat and good numbers. My BMI might be over 25, but there is no indication that my weight is adversely effecting my health.

One part of my weight gain is a new medication I'm taking to help stabilize my mood. I've not gained a lot, but some, and I feel like it's a trade off that is totally worth making (A great blog post on this very subject is here). Some psychiatric drugs really adversely effect people causing massive weight gain and blood sugar problems in a short amount of time. Because of the problems with these drugs (which really should be either taken off the market or heavily restricted), I went for an older less trendy drug, and it seems to be doing a great job without too many side effects.

I'm happy with that.

Wednesday Links

2008-06-04T11:09:00.004-05:00

Many interesting articles on teh internets today. I'm in no shape to comment on any of them, but I want to share.

First, three posts relating to three speeches from last evening:

Baratunde Thurston's Analysis of McCain, Clinton and Obama speeches.

The Talent Show on Clinton's speech.

From the Jon Swift blog, a great look at McCain's speech.

Next, some opinion pieces about other aspects of the presidential race:

Juan Cole with different take on Barack Obama's role as a "first" president.

From Hyphen Magazine, an article about Geraldine Ferraro's continuing remarks on sex and race (and how she's really working some odd angles).

Tami on the treatment of Michelle Obama in the media, via Racialicious.

Blogging for LGBT Families Day

2008-06-02T07:23:00.000-05:00

I found out about Blogging for LGBT Families Day via Pam's House Blend, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to mark the day.

My personal experience with LGBT families is pretty varied. One of my best friend's during middle school lived with her mom and her mom's female partner, and while it was different, it was never more an issue than any other family circumstance. I love that I grew up that way, and I hope I am raising/have raised my sons to be aware of the differences in families, and simply see them as such.

Currently, my youngest's best friend has two moms, and just yesterday we stopped by the PFLAG table and the Farmer's Market and picked up rainbow flag pins. He had the choice of a sticker or something else, but he wanted to wear the pin. I asked him if he knew what it meant, and he didn't, so we talked about it, and he thought it was a great idea, showing our solidarity with our gay friends.

Because of how I grew up, I am sometimes hesitant to make big overtures of solidarity. I remember feeling uncomfortable when people made them toward me as a POC, but I get that this is different. I'm not falling all over myself to prove a point, I'm just signaling that I am an ally.

Anyhow, I have to say that I am really most disappointed that the referendum to "ban gay marriage" (which was not what it was called but what it effectively does) passed in Wisconsin. It was very sad and frustrating. And that disappointment has to do with two things: bigotry and a lack of fairness.

I hate that people are so quick to work to stop other people from sharing in the benefits of marriage. It also angers me that my friends have to have multiple legal documents to be secure (in case of medical emergency, etc.) and are forced to "legitimize" their family in a way that I have never had to do.

I think there should be equity in rights afforded to people through marriage, whether or not that means disabling the currently held rights of the already married (WILL NEVER HAPPEN) or abling those not currently eligible to marry to also have those rights (much more positive and hopefully a likely step).

I'm not very eloquent on this subject, it is difficult to talk about without resorting to just asking what the hell is wrong with society.

Sigh

2008-05-31T07:28:00.000-05:00

The past couple of days have been a big sigh.

Sigh.

Nothing terrible has happened. On the contrary, some nice things have happened. But I feel oddly numb about them. Just sort of...

Sigh.

I'm tempted at times like these (and temptation is all I will admit to here) to start fiddling with my meds, upping the anti-depressants or otherwise adding or subtracting things.

But usually when I do I am reprimanded by my meds nurse for messing around with things.

So instead, I put it in my calendar: Call T, ask him about moods and meds. Call the clinic and see when my next appt is with my main meds nurse. Take good care of self.

The boy and I are going to the big Farmer's Market with my father this morning, a plan hatched by me while half asleep between last night's nap and actually going to bed.

It should be nice, hopefully not too crowded. I need to dress and feed the boy his breakfast now.

All is well, all is well. [repeat as necessary]

RIP Sydney Pollack

2008-05-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

Director/Actor Sydney Pollack died yesterday, and I feel actually a bit sad reading about this.

He is one of those actors who is just in my subconscious, I *know* him, and seeing his face or seeing him on film is oddly comforting to me, always has been. His voice, his mannerisms, just make me feel good. I don't know exactly how it is, but it feels like a loss to me.

On comfort

2008-05-25T07:52:00.000-05:00

The metaphor of myself as a colicky baby just isn't coming out right.

I want to say this: It is good to feel comfort. It is good to be able to feel comfort, feel comforted.

Sitting here in the lovely silence of Sunday morning, smelling the amazing, green smell of spring, I think: about how wonderful it was to have bf's arms around me as I fell asleep last night, how much I love to hug the little one at bedtime, how my oldest laughs when he's truly tickled by something.

I'm imagining my breakfast this morning, and how good it will taste. I'm thinking about how calm I feel right now. Physically and psychically mellow. Pain free.

When my mood is very bad (and I am trying to find one word which will describe it more clearly, but cannot), I do not feel pleasure in the same way. I am indefinably uncomfortable. I sleep fitfully, or too much, or not at all. My mind is dull, or races with an overabundance of energy. My body aches, and I'm easily fatigued.

When my mood is good, as with today, I feel so...at peace. And that is amazing to feel.

Save the date: May 14-16, 2010

2008-05-23T13:07:00.000-05:00

That's commencement weekend, the weekend I plan to graduate from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, a few weeks shy of my 40th birthday.

No, I haven't gotten my official acceptance letter yet, but I have talked to a great resource of mine at the UW and feel really excited, more than ever, about this journey.

"What else could a woman possibly need?"

2008-05-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

Yogurt does it ALL.

On Hope

2008-05-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

Somedays hope is expressed through mere routine: I wake, I rise, I bathe, I dress.

Some days hope is expressed in more nuanced ways: I dream, I plan, I pursue.

Today I started looking through the UW website for information on requirements for different majors, and how I might create an individual major for myself. Interestingly, my interests fall into three majors: Anthropology, Communication Arts and Journalism/Mass Media. I don't know how I might juggle all of these disciplines and my natural sciences in 50 or so credits.

I also started looking at the McBurney Disability center and how to get a disability consideration, what documents are needed, etc. If I am accepted for the fall I will have a LOT of work to do to get the classes I need/want and to get myself into the proper advising. Plus looking for spring grants and monies to take summer courses.

And I followed up with the person who is reviewing my information for my SSD case, she said she's gotten everything but the major information from my hospitalization, which apparently is handled by a third-party vendor, so there isn't much I can do to speed it up. I should have a yea or nay on that by July, I guess. If it is a nay, I am going to appeal it. If otherwise, I will have one less thing to worry about.

Speaking of worry, there is always the possibility that I do not have all of the correct requirements to get into the UW this fall. If that is the case, I'm covered, having already enrolled in fall courses at MATC. I figure better safe than sorry.

That, too, is hopeful, even though it might not seem so. In any case I will be where I need to be in order to get what I need to get for what WILL be MY DEGREE. I know, despite occasional discouragement, that I can do this.

And I know that even when it seems like no big thing to other people, this process of going to school is difficult for me, is perhaps harder for me than for others. I was always used to being able to do well and not have to work "too hard", but in the past year or so have become more cognitively challenged, and it's become quite difficult to get my academic goals met.

That's been really hard.

But, I hope, and I work, and I plan. And I see myself walking that stage, with my kids and my partner there to cheer me on. And that helps me steel myself, keep my resolve, and move forward.

Not out of the woods

2008-05-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling incredibly sad today. I couldn't sleep last night, so I know it's partly lack of sleep (it decreases my emotional resilience to miss as much sleep as I did last night).

But it's also a slap in the face for me since I've been feeling SO MUCH BETTER the past several weeks. I know I won't always feel as lousy as I do today, but I'd really, really, really like to be feeling better.

What makes it worse this week is that I'm having trouble reaching out - I hate to admit that I still need so much from people. Right now I'm following the HALT plan. I'm asking myself if I am: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I was/am hungry, so I'm going to eat a bit more, and then I'm going to take a nap, because I am definitely tired.

And when I wake up, I'll do my best to work on Lonely (that's the toughest one for me).

One step at a time, one moment at a time.

A Lava lady

2008-05-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

LavaLady by ~sketchcity on deviant ART

Existential Morning

2008-05-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

This morning every question turned into an existential discussion.
What am I doing [this morning]? became What am I doing [with my life]? pretty quickly.

I did not find a lot of answers, but I did find that I am in the space of having a great number of fears to wrest with and anxieties to identify and quell.

Life is beautiful. It feels good to be alive.

But it scares the hell out of me.

How do you all do it every day?

Depression, if nothing else, insulates you from life. Usually a negative, that removal, but as I examined "where I am" this morning, I realized that it also was a comfort to me, being so removed. Sometimes I find myself at loose ends now that I am face to face with life.

This afternoon will be practical, I think. Focusing on the tangible feels like a good move to make after a morning spent with my thoughts.