Sunday, May 27, 2007

Intelligent intercourse

I typed "intercourse" in the post title while desperately trying to remember the word "discourse", but failing. Although I've found the right word, I'm leaving my original title intact.

So. I've been blessed lately by a resurgence in my intellectual capability. I really do think there is a physiological difference in how I cogitate these days, as compared to a year ago (when I was in the depths of months-long depression). I have not only the will but [usually] ready access to words, phrases and mental energy. A good thing by any account.

What I still don't have is cohesion. I'm a spider on acid, spinning a web which has no pattern but is just a jumble. So that's something to work on.

It's fun though, being more myself than I've been in years. Being smarter, more sound in body and mind.

Until... Until I really got into my reduced calorie diet thing. I do *feel* better, both sharper and healthier, but I need to eat more. It's just how it is. I've been weepy for days until yesterday when I had a few (really tasty vegan 'cowgirl') cookies and a nice dinner. If it had just been a day of weepies, I would have chalked it up to something else. It was THREE DAYS of weepies, after a long time with no extended weepiness.

So far, it's looking like more food cured it. See, eating does fix everything! :P

But really, besides having a lot of stuff happening all at once, and really stressing out about my interim course (it's good though, to see which skills I have and which I lack when it comes to doing research for a paper), the food is the one thing I can see as a 'cause'. At first I thought it was likely just exacerbating the stress I am feeling from difference quarters. I also think there may be a psychological component to it.

This week came a realization that I was still buying into many of the things I think I don't buy into. I read a book called "The 6-day Makeover", which included an insane diet (very low calorie, zero sugar, very low carb) and really reasonable exercise plan (lots of long term, steadily paced walking - which I think I might start doing as my main exercise). And as I read it I was thinking "I should do this, it's the right thing to do, I need to lose this weight, I need to be different." And there I sat trying to figure out how to convince myself that a meal of TWO OUNCES of Turkey and 1/2 CUP of berries was a PERFECTLY FINE thing and that I could survive a week of eating 6 small meals a day and no salt and blah blah blah, when I realized that in some way I was trying to justify this guy's desire to make a living selling diet-books. That in no small way I was justifying the horrible things my dad said to me about my body when I was 12. That for all the noise I make to other women, I was in no way about to accept my own body as okay unless I had sacrificed something to look 'better'*.

And that's fucked up.

So the book is going back to the library, not being opened again by me, and I'm going to retool my weight loss plan. For now I am NOT going to try to lose 35 lbs in (now 16) weeks but work on a slower weight loss.

I see how bf accepts his own body and while I have different goals for my health, I want to emulate his level of self-acceptance (which spans across all aspects of his life). I see how my friend Ted has a long-term view of life (and his weight maintenance), and want to emulate that. I see how other friends have a joy and excitement about life and want to emulate that.

And in the meantime, I'm going to be working on using my voice, because it feels good.
*I do still want to look 'better', which for me is really about less belly fat, and some tone back into my upper body and thighs. I still maintain that my freshman 15 (really a sophomore 30) is losable, just not as quickly as I'd hoped.

No comments: