Saturday, May 12, 2007

Shine your teeth til meaningless

As I flossed my teeth this morning (and boy did they need it seeing as I somehow had misplaced the floss this week), the song "How to Fight Loneliness" by Wilco came into my head.

How to Fight Loneliness

How to fight loneliness?
Smile all the time

Shine your teeth 'til meaningless
And sharpen them with lies

And whatever's going down
Will follow you around
That's how you fight loneliness

You laugh at every joke

Drag your blanket blindly
And fill your heart with smoke

And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you ever need
That's how you fight it

Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time

What most people don't know about me, at least casual observers, is that I am a very lonely person. I'm not always lonely, nor am I alone, but I feel, very often, a keen yearning for the company and companionship of others which is not often fulfilled.

Thinking about this song, I realize two things: I should spend more time feeling okay about the world, and I cannot fight my loneliness in the way the song describes (the suggestions are tongue in cheek anyhow). I cannot "smile all the time" no matter how hard I try, and sometimes it makes me feel lonelier. My life circumstances don't make drinking or going out to shows to find companionship practical. Nor do my desires or what makes me feel good.

A year ago I was in a lot of pain, all of the time. I often felt lonely and wondered why I should even be here. And I had absolutely no hope that those things would change. But...they have. Albeit slowly and with a one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of rhythm.

Now, flossing done and melancholy at dangerous levels, it's time for me to go shine brush my teeth.

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