Crazy eyes

Last night before falling asleep, boyfriend and I were talking about crazy eyes, and this morning, as I reflected on the lately Britney Spears news (she apparently is FINALLY getting inpatient treatment, after 4 days without sleep), I thought about how I *knew* she was bi-polar, because of her crazy eyes lately. How I can spot a "crazy" person because I've looked in the mirror and seen those same eyes looking back.

When Ms. Spears shaved her head, I was pretty sure she was bi-polar and manic. It's something about how one is convinced that what they are thinking and feeling in that moment of mania is the absolute end all and be all of life. That's a part of mania (and to a lesser extent hypomania) which makes it all the more difficult. It's why people don't seek or accept help, and why they make terrible decisions. The absolute certainty about life is hard to see past. I think that's a problem for lots of people, not just people in periods of mania, but it's something I have experienced with others and myself.

I guess it's Grandiosity, technically. Or something like that.

Anyhow, now that she is back in hospital for 72 observation, I had this thought: I was thinking about how I was happy I was right, because it reminds me to believe in myself, as twisted as that is.

So that's my goal, to believe in myself, but to remember that I'm not always thinking in my own best interest. To find balance, I guess, between complete self-doubt and absolute certainty (because one thing I was thinking, but never did say to the boyfriend last night was that I felt never-quite-certain about everything these days, which made good decision making a challenge at times).

Now I gotta go take my crazy eyes and get back to work.

Odd

I feel, sort of... floaty this morning.

Perhaps it's because I woke early and didn't get my whole cup of coffee in, or because I missed breakfast?

We are expecting some very inclement weather this evening, and a dramatic change in temperature from a projected high of 43 to a low of -7. That's right, a 50 point range in temperature, in the course of a day. It's been forecast to be down to 17 degrees by 5pm, with high winds and wind chills.

Huzzah.

So, I'm trying to get as much done in the rainy-but-warm weather as possible, to be home cooking something tasty by 3pm. I picked up lentils, split green peas and black eyed peas at the grocery store, so I think I'll make up some soup. I've got a piece of smoked turkey which would make a lovely split pea. If I get that working in the crockpot, I'll be pleased. And I have the makings of roasted chicken and potatoes, a salad, and...something lovely for dessert. I really want to make a lemon custard (lemon curd), because it would be the perfect gustatory antidote to the gray weather.

Now it's time for some reheated coffee and a sweet, tangy tangerine, then off to take care of car stuff and maybe pick up a dvd or two. I've got to write an article for class this week and I'm psyching myself out by worrying about it before I even begin to write it. Not a good plan. I think I'll NOT worry about it, and instead, WORK on it.

I bake - Blueberry Sour Cream Coffee Cake

This is what I made for breakfast this morning. It was delicious!

Adapted from The Joy of Cooking

1 1/2 Cups White Whole Wheat Flour (King Arthur brand)
1 Cup Sugar
2 Tsp. Baking Powder
1/2 Tsp. Baking Soda
1/4 Tsp. Salt
1/2 Tsp. Nutmeg
1/2 Tsp. Cinnamon
1 Cup Sour Cream (I used "light")
1 Tsp. Vanilla extract
2 Tbs. Butter, melted
2 Eggs
1 Cup Blueberries (I used frozen)
1 Tbs. flour

Preheat oven to 350 (F). Butter and flour a bundt pan.

Sift together flour, sugar, baking soda, salt and spices.

Beat together sour cream and eggs, then add the melted butter and mix well.

In a separate bowl, mix together the blueberries and the flour, covering the berries completely.

Mix the sour cream/egg mixture with the dry ingredients, just until smooth (overbeating will cause the batter to be tough).

Add the blueberries until just incorporated.

Put it into the bundt pan and bake for 30-35 minutes, let cool for 15 minutes, remove from pan, and enjoy warm.

YUM.

Frida

I have finally watched the film Frida. It was beautiful. So beautiful. I'm so interested in reading more about Frida Kahlo. I missed a big Kahlo show in the Twin Cities, but I will read some books at least.

Today = FAIL, until we bake these

Okay, I'm in total FAIL mode today. I have been sitting in nearly the same place the entire day. It's no good. I couldn't tell you why either. Could it be because... my apartment is cold? It's really chilly in here, as the heat hasn't been on for hours.

Funny enough, I'm not judging myself about it (although I can imagine everyone else is). I know I sometimes have downtime. I just didn't expect it to happen today.

Anyhow, although the first half of the day appears to be a complete wash, the second half looks promising.

I've decided to bake some Raspberry Almond Shortbread cookies from Culinary in the Desert. I read Joe's blog regularly via my rss aggregator, and I'm looking forward to trying this recipe. It's time to do a little baking with the boy. Since the dough needs to chill I can make the dough before I pick him up from school and he and I can shape and bake the cookies later! I picked up some sour cherry jam, so my cookies will actually be Sour Cherry Almond Shortbread! YUM. I'm getting excited about them. And they contain no eggs! WIN.

The boy is grounded from TV for the week (or as long as I can stand it) and this will give us something fun to do (other activities planned are homework, bath, reading).

I've got one short project to do for class as well this evening, and should probably work on straightening the boy's room. Okay, I'll do *that* project in a moment. At least start it. See, not a total FAIL. Yay!

beautiful dinosaur bones

Picture by Oldbones @ Flickr
These are amazing, aren't they? Agatized Dinosaur Bones.

Click on the photo to be taken to the flickr page where there are more!

(The photo here is used under it's Creative Commons license, give credit, and share but don't make money from it).

Great Day

I'm not sure why I titled this post Great Day. It's been a pretty plain day today. Nothing exciting has happened, at all, to be honest with you.

Except I *finally* started my first writing assignment for my online class. I have this thing, I guess it's technically a problem being a procrastinator, where starting a writing project is just so daunting. Once I did the basic framework, the words flowed well. It's just getting to "go" which is difficult for me.

Last night my friend T and I baked in tandem, he a pumpkin apple bread, and I a batch of "no cow" brownies from "Baking Without Eggs". Both were delicious!

Tomorrow there is no school for anyone in our house, which, with the cold cold weather and the newly predicted snow fall, is good news indeed. I'm not sure what we will do in observation of MLK Day, but I'll let you know.

Now I've got to finish up my assignment, get it posted, and get back to thinking about what is for dinner.

I can hear you smile

Here's an article about an interesting study documenting that we can hear smiles in other's voices. It also talks about different types of smiles (smiles which reach the eyes and smiles which don't).

Cooking like Crazy

Crazy woman cooking.

I just got in the mood yesterday to cook. But without tons of stuff in the house, I was cooking from the staples in the cupboard. That resulted in "survivalist soup" which actually turned out beautifully. (a large handful of mixed dried veggies, a handful of brown rice, a TBS of vegetarian 'beef' flavoured bullion, and 3 - 4 cups of water, plus the last bits of olive oil in the bottle and a half TSP or so of kosher-style salt)

I also made black eyed peas and some white rice.

And I had a salad for breakfast. With the last bit of left over coffee from the day before (yech, but I was out of beans).

Boyfriend gave me an old copy of The Joy of Cooking (possibly his dad's copy), and I decided to bake something from that - Egg Bread (challah). It turned out nicely, but I wish I'd added a bit more sugar, because I like my Challah sweet. But it was a good first effort, and I'll definitely try it again. Unfortunately I don't think I ought to feed it to the 8 year old, as the egg wash alone will probably give him an allergic reaction, never mind the three eggs *in* the bread.

Later in the day I got to the local market, where I cannot bring myself to purchase my staples. The curse of knowing the prices of most everything I buy at the big ol' grocery store. Food prices are rising though, that's for sure. It's a bit scary what I've read about stagnation of wages compared with the rise in prices for fuels, food, etc.

Later on I'll (hopefully) post about the lemon poppyseed muffins I baked this morning.

Ups and Downs

So I'm down.

D
O
W
N

Down.

And it's not romantic or interesting. It makes everyone run away from me.
It makes me run away from everyone. I eat too much and sleep too much and think about hurting myself to make the incessant meaningless rhythm less drumbeat of pain go away.

And I can't parent properly, or student properly, and how the hell can I look for a job when getting out of bed is a chore?

I'm down.

Blah.

A list

This isn't too bad a list.

No, this was not an Onion headline

From Reuters this afternoon:

Presidential Race Goes National

I get it, really, what they are *trying* to say, but in the age of satirical news like the Onion, you gotta try a little harder to avoid mock-a-bility.

I've been waiting so long

The 8 year old and I were singing Sunshine of Your Love this morning and then I found this great clip on YouTube.

I've always loved this song but this morning was the first time I really listened to the words. Viva amor!

Is there a word for being both happy and disappointed at the same time?

Finally got my grades. One B and one A, for Spanish and Anthropology and Cultural Awareness respectively.

I'm REALLY disappointed to have gotten a B in Spanish and REALLY happy that it wasn't a C.

In my illustrious higher education career (which btw spans both decades and centuries), I've gotten only one B prior to this one. I really don't like that grade. It always feels as though I could have tried harder (and I could have, technically, tried harder this past semester, particularly if I hadn't felt half mad for most of it).

My GPA is now 3.77, which I suppose is still quite respectable.

Seriously, I really hate getting this B. If I didn't need to take just one more class to get into the UW, I'd take this semester off school. I'm just hoping one lousy semester won't be followed by another.

Yes, a B is fine. Better than I'd expected, really. But I still get a sick twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach when I look at it. How could I have done so poorly?

Sigh.

Opulence and apples

Boyfriend has a family wedding in February, and I was on the fence about attending - mostly the expense of buying something appropriate, but also a bit of my social anxiety coming out. Plus, am I the only person who isn't fond of attending weddings? Seriously, my best friend's nuptials in 2001 were great, because they were hers, and I think that's the last wedding I've been to (and the one before that was a long time before).

But this morning I went to look at a beautiful dress I found on Amazon and decided I'd pick it up - I can return it if it's not right - and then I needed to find shoes, an undergarment thingy, and pantyhose. I also will need a purse and a wrap.

But since I don't know if it's a daytime or evening wedding (please be evening, I'm better at that look), I can't finish shopping. Plus I suppose I need to be sure about the dress first.

Anyhow, I started thinking about my hair and nails and makeup, and got excited about dressing up. And while the idea of dropping a few hundred bucks for outfit and extras is still pretty ridiculous (I really am a thrifty gal, really), I'll probably do it.

Because I honestly have nothing to wear.

In other news, the boy requested baked apples this morning, so I dug through the fridge and ressurected some apples I bought in October. In my old place I'd put appled in the basement where they would stay cool and dry, but here I don't have a cool place (with radiant heating I can't 'turn off' one room and keep it cooler. It'd be awesome to have controls in each room!), so they go in the fridge.

I had to peel them, but they taste wonderful, cut into medium sized chunks and mixed with raisins, cinnamon and maple syrup.

Yum.

It's very cold here. Forecase windchills up to (or down to) -15 degrees F.

I'd like to stay in all day, but have promised myself that I'd do some things - the most important is finally returning my Netflix movies and paying a bill. So eventually, I'm getting out of the house. Freezing weather or no.

That was fun!

Well, I *finally* finished watching Children of Men. I think I've had it out from Netflix for nearly 2 months. Seriously. It feels that long.

I was right about watching it again. I feel absolutely destroyed. I wept for 10 minutes after the credits rolled.

Sigh.

It's not a perfect film, but it is an amazing world, and a few of the ending scenes just wrench my heart.

Now I've got to watch the other 2 films I've had out for just as long and send them all back in tomorrow's post. With those New Year's cards I keep saying I'll send.