Thursday, January 31, 2008

Crazy eyes

Last night before falling asleep, boyfriend and I were talking about crazy eyes, and this morning, as I reflected on the lately Britney Spears news (she apparently is FINALLY getting inpatient treatment, after 4 days without sleep), I thought about how I *knew* she was bi-polar, because of her crazy eyes lately. How I can spot a "crazy" person because I've looked in the mirror and seen those same eyes looking back.

When Ms. Spears shaved her head, I was pretty sure she was bi-polar and manic. It's something about how one is convinced that what they are thinking and feeling in that moment of mania is the absolute end all and be all of life. That's a part of mania (and to a lesser extent hypomania) which makes it all the more difficult. It's why people don't seek or accept help, and why they make terrible decisions. The absolute certainty about life is hard to see past. I think that's a problem for lots of people, not just people in periods of mania, but it's something I have experienced with others and myself.

I guess it's Grandiosity, technically. Or something like that.

Anyhow, now that she is back in hospital for 72 observation, I had this thought: I was thinking about how I was happy I was right, because it reminds me to believe in myself, as twisted as that is.

So that's my goal, to believe in myself, but to remember that I'm not always thinking in my own best interest. To find balance, I guess, between complete self-doubt and absolute certainty (because one thing I was thinking, but never did say to the boyfriend last night was that I felt never-quite-certain about everything these days, which made good decision making a challenge at times).

Now I gotta go take my crazy eyes and get back to work.

No comments: