On having an invisible disability

Found some interesting articles on having an invisible disability. They mostly deal with invisible physical disabilities, but I found that they spoke to my struggle with mental illness as well.

First, "But You Look So Good, and 7 other things never to say to someone with an invisible disability."



From there I discovered this article, "Coping with an Invisible Condition".

This resonated with me:

People's expectations
Based on the well-sick-invalid framework, you are allowed to be sick or limited for a while. After some months, people will be expecting you to be back to 'normal' - that is, a healthy, fully productive state. If you are not, but you look ok on the outside, there may be misunderstandings, rejection. Some people judge you as lazy, exaggerating, or accuse you of faking to get insurance benefits or attention. Or they expect too much of you, overestimating your current ability. Dealing with people's misunderstanding and judgment, suspicions, and assumptions is painful. Having to justify your lack of productivity is an extra stress on top of having the actual condition.

As well as this...

Not acting sick
If you have a chronic, invisible condition, you have an important job: to look after yourself as well as possible. This will make you look better, despite your symptoms. You need to do this, because there is a cost for letting other people's opinions keep you from activities that give you health.

...It is sometimes a dilemma whether to make a point of "showing" your illness. You want to appear "normal" and to fit in, not stand out and be noticed. You also want people to recognize and understand your problems. Some people struggle with this.

Now that I am really wrestling with my illness, I am trying to be very in touch with all the stigma I feel about myself and what I am doing with my life.

I remember a conversation I had with someone last year, he said he thought that depression was a cultural problem in Western society, implying that I was not ill, just... just what? A malingerer? It was a very hurtful thing for him to say, but I also understood that it was said out of ignorance. It is true that we are, as a society, too eager to medicate regular sadness. But I feel the very real changes in my brain chemistry (or whatever the hell it is that happens to me), and I cannot simply choose them away. My condition is real. I'm fighting hard against so much and fighting hard to have a life I love.

When it seems impossible

Ah, the world of mood disorders, where one day you are ON TOP OF THE WORLD, and the next, everything seems impossible.

I managed to eat today, bathe, dress, pick my kid up from school, and those were all accomplishments. I didn't finish any big tasks, and was beating myself up about it until I just stopped.

Right now it's time for LEGO Star Wars Saga and then dinner with family. I can do that.

Pam says it far more eloquently than I ever could

Pam Spaulding at the Blend takes on this latest mess coming from the Sen. Hillary Clinton camp. I have a difficult time explaining to people why it would be a kick in the ovaries for me to pull the lever for Sen. Clinton come November, but this pretty much is the last nail in that coffin:

"I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on," she said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article "that found how Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

"There's a pattern emerging here," she said.

Pam says, "Wow. Just. Wow..." and then breaks it down for us. Please go give it a read if you don't (or do) understand why the way the Clinton Campaign is being run is more divisive than it may appear on the surface.

ETA: Karnythia over at Angry Black Woman weighs in too. Check it out.

WIN

You may be surprised to learn that I am NOT perfect.

Or not that surprised.

Yesterday was an interesting day, I was wound fairly tight and had a couple of appts to go to. I then popped in to see an old professor and met another one of her students - he and I are looking to do similar things at the University so we exchanged email and I hope we stay in touch.

Then I enrolled myself in a class for fall that has been highly rec'd to me, a creative non-fiction course (perfect fit, don't you think?). That's in case I do not get in/defer Fall Enrollment at the UW. Which I think is what will happen, because I don't know that I will be stable/ready for the big leagues this fall.

I happened to run into an old classmate after that and we had a brief but (self) illuminating conversation in which I realized that my major choices over the past two years have been largely positive ones, if the goal was to stay alive.

I WIN!

Now I just keep building on what is there, and we have something!

I am a woman of few goals. Honestly: to visit all of the British Isles (Wales and Scotland being among my first destinations), to have at least one grandchild (that one I have little control over, huh?), and to get my B.A. by the time I'm 40. If I stick to it, I ought to be able to use the next two years to get to that last. I am more than halfway to that goal already.

Dear [Redacted]

I sent this as an email today, and thought it was a good thing to share.

Dear [Redacted],

Today is Monday.
I know this and yet do not *know* it. I've had to be reminded a few times that today is Monday and the morrow Tuesday.

I guess the whole thing about embracing my illness and it's "cures" is also about embracing that I am still not in control (none of us are, really, right?), that I am still trying to find myself balance. My self balance.

Dear Reader,
Today is Monday.

I hope it finds you well.

Yours,

Autonym

Oh what a beautiful morning...

Man, I woke up with 5 hours of sleep under my belt but still somehow got up on the right side of the bed. I've been so productive. I went to the far away grocery store, and didn't buy too much (but what I bought was more expensive, for a few items), and decided that I really like grocery shopping in my pjs!

Unfortunately so do a lot of other people, so instead of feeling quirky, I just felt average. I hate feeling average.

Right now it's putting away laundry (which I FOLDED this morning, before taking the boy to school), and then ironing, as the rain looks like it's going to stay away and the weather will be warming up in time for my coffee meeting with a long time blogging friend from far and away.

It is beautiful here, though. It snowed a couple of days ago, but it's back on the Springtime track and we are promised mid 60s today. The birds are out and about and it's just amazing.

Side note: my mother and I were speaking on the phone yesterday and she said "you sound manic." That's how I feel too, so she was actually being pretty perceptive. Maybe I should invest in some decaf?

Nah.

Let the circle be unbroken

...What a heady time this is.

My new regime of meds seems to have lifted my depression and tossed it away. I am feeling quite good.

A little too good. My mood was spiraling up and up this week and I'm still not sure of it's exact status at the moment. I feel good but not really ready to be on my own with this good feeling, as it's accompanied by not sleeping or eating regular meals, and a lot of excessive cigarette smoking.

::shakes fist at bipolar disorder::

And still, we strive for balance with meds and talk therapy and hard bogdamned work, asking for help, accepting help, and accepting that sometimes help is hard to find.

The bf and I have found a place to live, together. This is monumental and exciting (and can I safely admit in this company, terrifying in its own right), and not for a few more months, so we can adjust slowly. It has many requirements he and I shared, and each of us came away with things we wanted (location for me, a garden space for him). Oh, and there are established raspberry plants in the back yard!

Tonight I had the pleasure and privilege of feeding my ex husband's stepson to be, and hopefully they will take me up on my very sincere offer to babysit this little bundle of happymaking babiness. He is a beautiful, friendly baby who the 8 yr old is absolutely crazy about, and it's mutual. Although the ex and I still have our moments, we are getting, I hope, to a place where we can be a big family, with trust and stuff.

I also ran into someone I hadn't seen for years and that was bittersweet and funny. We shared some gallows humor and I hope we get the chance to talk again soon.

I should be sleeping, and even took the medicine which is supposed to make me sleepy, but so far, nothing is happening. Maybe blogging is keeping me awake, you suppose?

Dotting the "I"s and crossing the "T"s

Big news in Auto land, but until it's all said and done, I'll leave it at that.

I'm really feeling hopeful and excited about this year.

For now, I'll enjoy the rain from inside and a cup of tea.

Things that make me go, "hmmm"

Okay, so in the film "Margo At The Wedding", Jennifer Jason Leigh is wearing a night shirt which references "The Arsenio Hall Show", which the title of this post reminds me of, because it was a popular song which was also a bit on that show.

Two blog posts which I found via the Racialicious rss feed, made me go, Hmmmm, in a good way this morning.

"Stuff White People Do" has a mindbendingly interesting post on how white women can give birth to black babies but black women can't give birth to white ones. This resonates with me because I am the black(ish) mother of a white child. My youngest could "pass" if we were still using that kind of societal test. I sometimes am still amazed at how it all worked out that he got light eyes, hair and skin when his big brother is olive with darker brown eyes and dark brown hair.

The other post is Kareem Abdul Jabar's post on Horton Hears a Who and the damaging message about girls' worth vs. boys' (a message I found in the film Shrek 3, which I absolutely still am livid about). He connects sexism to racism in a thoughtful way. I will have to read more of his columns to see what he has to say.

Well, then. That's over.

Today was the last part of a process which has been made unnecessarily complicated by the fact that it is a Federal thing. Like the birth certificate which they DIDN'T need, but said they did in 4 separate places, so I procured a copy for 20 bucks. But hey.

And the fact that they can't tell me anything for "3-5 months", so I could be S.O.L. in 5 months after having waited all this time. I guess my best plan is to continue with the other things I'm doing and wait and see.

Hmmm.

But the fact that it's over, at least for now, is really comforting.

And the fact that the person I talked with was a really nice and respectful person was helpful.

I think it's really that I was quite scared of the process, plus other stuff. Tonight I'm going to try something new which I will write about later.

Right now I'm vainly attempting to clean my damned blessed apartment, which keeps falling into disrepair whenever I turn my back.

This time it's craft related disrepair. GLITTER is involved, so, yeah. Good times.

More later.

Out like a Lamb?

Well, truth told, I don't remember what the weather was like 30 days ago. A testament to my shoddy memory these days (or lack of something special to remember).

But today, the last day of March, is very... rainy. I wouldn't say dreary, because I'm being upbeat at the moment. But it was very rainy and overcast the whole day.

Is that lamblike behaviour?

I couldn't say.

This weekend is the Wisconsin Film Festival which means all school work must be done by Thursday afternoon (with time on Friday day if I must) and the weekend is ridiculously scheduled. 5 films on Saturday alone, and at least 4 Sunday. Is that possible? I need to look at my schedule again. Happily it only comes once a year. And I get a lovely student discount these days, making it all the better.

I know this blog has been really Obama centric lately, and although I haven't posted for a couple of days, I nearly did post yet another Obama thing today. But I didn't. I'm saving it. Or perhaps, most likely, I'll forget all about it.

Right now I'm embarking on an evening long marathon of watching an HBO Miniseries which I am certain to post about once it's all over.

Until then,
The Autonymph

How many inches?

We've already had a record snow fall (over 100 inches compared to an average of around 49), and snow is predicted for today. The boy and I are headed out to school on foot in a bit, and I half wish the snow would start falling as we walked. In a fun, non blizzardy way, naturally.

Whew, I was angry

I was REALLY angry when I wrote my last post.
And you know what? I'm still angry.

But not so much about GF. It's Bill Clinton I'm angry with, among others.

Because he said this:

"I think it would be a great thing if we had an election year where you had two people who loved this country and were devoted to the interest of this country. And people could actually ask themselves who is right on these issues, instead of all this other stuff that always seems to intrude itself on our politics."

Oh. No. He. Didn't.

Oh yes, Lavalady, he did. He did! Yes, friends, he went there.

And where, you ask, is there?

It's the place where they keep the original race card.

He played it, hard.

"Once we get that boy out of the way, we'll be able to focus on what is important"

ZOMG.

What I find interesting is that the main thing people seem to get out of this quote is that Clinton was "questioning" Sen. Obama's "patriotism". But what jumped out at me immediately was that he was saying, "we won't have to worry about RACE in the race anymore," while also, perhaps, taking a swipe at Sen. Obama. It was a two-fer, I guess.

Many people won't see it as I have, I know. But Gottdamn, Bubba, you lost what little respect I had left for you with that statement.

So, yeah, I'm still a little angry, but I gotta remember, what got me so fired up in
the first place were the words and energy of the Obama campaign.

And I'm gonna keep that audacious hope in my heart.