WIN

You may be surprised to learn that I am NOT perfect.

Or not that surprised.

Yesterday was an interesting day, I was wound fairly tight and had a couple of appts to go to. I then popped in to see an old professor and met another one of her students - he and I are looking to do similar things at the University so we exchanged email and I hope we stay in touch.

Then I enrolled myself in a class for fall that has been highly rec'd to me, a creative non-fiction course (perfect fit, don't you think?). That's in case I do not get in/defer Fall Enrollment at the UW. Which I think is what will happen, because I don't know that I will be stable/ready for the big leagues this fall.

I happened to run into an old classmate after that and we had a brief but (self) illuminating conversation in which I realized that my major choices over the past two years have been largely positive ones, if the goal was to stay alive.

I WIN!

Now I just keep building on what is there, and we have something!

I am a woman of few goals. Honestly: to visit all of the British Isles (Wales and Scotland being among my first destinations), to have at least one grandchild (that one I have little control over, huh?), and to get my B.A. by the time I'm 40. If I stick to it, I ought to be able to use the next two years to get to that last. I am more than halfway to that goal already.

A clean slate

It's pretty obvious: I need a fresh start.

Spent some time this weekend reading old blogs and looking at pictures from the past few years and made myself a bit melancholy. I miss the old me, the one who felt as though she had a life (whether or not she liked it all of the time).

Me right now is a very confused proposition. I have things I wanted for a long time (a smart funny man in my life, the pursuit of higher education, lots of free time), but I am not very happy.

My therapy, which I do credit for saving my hide at least once in the past year and a half, has become stressful, instead of the haven it once was. I don't want to go and see my therapist at all, so I'm taking a break from that. Because I can't leave town right now, I need to find a way to get some respite.

My ideas right now are centering around spending more time alone, which is kind of crazy, considering how much time I spend alone already (14-24 a day depending on the day, and when I'm on an insomnia streak, those hours really stand out). But I don't know what else to do. The things I'm thinking of doing are: working out at the Y (daily?), fixing up the apartment by going through the stuff I haven't unpacked and either throwing it away or putting it away, getting art up on the walls, and planning out some beading projects, maybe even Christmas gifts.

I've got to get some things decided, make some phone calls and get my week planned out. When I can get my head around it, I need to get my car looked at and my hair cut. But this week I have two exams and so I will be writing and studying a lot.

Hmmm. This is rambling now. I am gonna say one more thing: excessive anxiety is really difficult to deal with, and leads to all kinds of things. Some are good, like ingenuity - when I'm too freaked out to go shopping for food, I have to be creative to make a good meal from what I've got. The bad ones are maybe self-evident, like not getting things done on time, being too freaked out to take my car in or get a hair cut leads to my car dying in traffic whenever I drive and my hair getting scraggly.
I wish I could just be rid of it.

Anyway, here's to starting over.

not-errata

1. Sometimes I *do* make the best of a bad situation: just now I noticed the sun had come out, so I sent the children out to play with a picnic lunch, a watch, and instructions to try to stay outside for 90 minutes, weather permitting. This allows me time to clean and plan the rest of the day's activities, as well as sitting down to have my own lunch.
2. The weather seems to have turned suddenly (it's been raining raining raining and the ceiling in our office was leaking yesterday, but they've hopefully sorted it out for now), so hopefully the boys won't be stuck in the rain.
3. "The Lives of Others" was really good on second viewing. It left the 2nd run theater last night and is on DVD now, so if you've missed it, go rent it.
4. I somehow managed to wedge my pots and pans into the drawer under the oven in such a way as to prevent it from opening. This is very nearly tear inducing, as I was planning on making some red sauce for enchiladas (never mind cooking the filling). For now I threw the first ingredients into the crockpot and plan to slow cook it until I can get bf to come over and help me wrest the drawer open.
5. Bipolar disorder sucks. Srsly.
   
6. Me encanta español.
7. HDTV is pretty cool, and the difference in picture quality in the analog and digital over-the-air channels can be stunning - check out the PBS series about Islam in Spain, it's gorgeous in HD.
8. My Netflix Queue isn't very...organized yet. Things are lumped together by genre and actor, as that's how I found most of it. I'm looking forward to watching Cache this evening.
9. The apartment is going to look great. Eventually.
   
10. I'm feeling incredibly anti-social and hungry for company at the same time.

(So what's a latin word for list of crap that sounds like errata? Because I realized too late that errata was a list of corrections, and this is just a list. Regesta maybe?)