Monday, September 24, 2007

A clean slate

It's pretty obvious: I need a fresh start.

Spent some time this weekend reading old blogs and looking at pictures from the past few years and made myself a bit melancholy. I miss the old me, the one who felt as though she had a life (whether or not she liked it all of the time).

Me right now is a very confused proposition. I have things I wanted for a long time (a smart funny man in my life, the pursuit of higher education, lots of free time), but I am not very happy.

My therapy, which I do credit for saving my hide at least once in the past year and a half, has become stressful, instead of the haven it once was. I don't want to go and see my therapist at all, so I'm taking a break from that. Because I can't leave town right now, I need to find a way to get some respite.

My ideas right now are centering around spending more time alone, which is kind of crazy, considering how much time I spend alone already (14-24 a day depending on the day, and when I'm on an insomnia streak, those hours really stand out). But I don't know what else to do. The things I'm thinking of doing are: working out at the Y (daily?), fixing up the apartment by going through the stuff I haven't unpacked and either throwing it away or putting it away, getting art up on the walls, and planning out some beading projects, maybe even Christmas gifts.

I've got to get some things decided, make some phone calls and get my week planned out. When I can get my head around it, I need to get my car looked at and my hair cut. But this week I have two exams and so I will be writing and studying a lot.

Hmmm. This is rambling now. I am gonna say one more thing: excessive anxiety is really difficult to deal with, and leads to all kinds of things. Some are good, like ingenuity - when I'm too freaked out to go shopping for food, I have to be creative to make a good meal from what I've got. The bad ones are maybe self-evident, like not getting things done on time, being too freaked out to take my car in or get a hair cut leads to my car dying in traffic whenever I drive and my hair getting scraggly.
I wish I could just be rid of it.

Anyway, here's to starting over.


Ungruntled said...

I *love* this picture. The wild hair. Eyes peeking playfully out at the world.

The smile. Most of all. It says, "this is what happy looks like."


LavaLady said...

Thanks Darlin'.

My favourite part of self-portraiture is seeing things I can't normally spot in myself.

I was happy when I took that picture, in that moment.