Leave it all behind

On the theme of a fresh start, I've been really feeling as though I'm back tracking in my life. Not that I'm sliding back but that I'm going back to who I was 15 or so years ago (before I was in the relationship which lead to my first child).

My life was in flux, my best friends were in another state, I was going to school part time and working, and didn't make friends in school, and spent most of my time alone, dated a little (which honestly was more like "hooked up a little", because I hate 'dating' unless I'm really into someone). I was just being in my 20s, dealing with anxiety and depression and work and school and men...

But I realized this week that I was feeling a lot like I feel now, only I was more secure in who I was and what life was about, and I wasn't ragingly bi-polar and mood cycling, so things were easier.

Still don't know what this all means, my feeling like this*, but I'm hoping it is a connection to my essential self. The one person in the world who I really need to understand before I can understand everyone (anyone) else.

Also, even though I have identified that I am very much at the mercy of biology with my mental health, I don't really want to take meds. Anti-depressants are contraindicated for bi-polar disorder, and the two mood stabilizers I took made me feel so dulled, I'm not interested in that. So I'm at an impasse with that.

Anyhow, this ramble will stop now. I think I need more oj and a nap.


*Perhaps it's a sign that I'm going through a major life phase - the idea that I was moving from child to autonomous adult then and that I'm making a similar move now - that makes sense...