I'm at the library where the unsecure network could "allow people to use software which would record [my] keystrokes".
Man, just what a paranoid needs to read.
Anyhow, the scoop is:
I've not got phone or internet at home for a week, at best. Although I'm a little adept at becoming a bandwith bandit, I'm mostly s.o.l. when it comes to keeping myself in the know via this series of tubes.
And obviously, posting will continue to be light.
Also, how do you 'sniff' wireless stuff? Because I wanna know how. Just to know.
When I get back I'll be posting [oh, so late] on the International Blog Against Racism Week. Links a plenty.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Yay MOVING!
What can you do when its a rainy day, you didn't reserve a moving truck, and you would rather just lie in bed?
Put your hair in pony tails, slap on eye make up like a 16 year old, and wear lots of lipgloss.
It's good fun, and I personally think it didn't hurt with the guy at U-Haul.
Now I gotta actually load stuff into the truck. YAY!
Put your hair in pony tails, slap on eye make up like a 16 year old, and wear lots of lipgloss.
It's good fun, and I personally think it didn't hurt with the guy at U-Haul.
Now I gotta actually load stuff into the truck. YAY!
Monday, August 06, 2007
But I don't wanna...
It's time to get up, get dressed and accomplish a lot.
Ha!
But srsly, I gotta get moving.
What I really want to do is talk about the film Sunshine, or the book I'm reading (finally finishing up John Perkins' Confessions of an Economic Hit Man), or how much I detest American politics, or how out of place I am (philosophically) at the mall, or sex, or the kick ass locally-roast fair trade coffee I drink, or anything, really.
But I gotta go pick up the 8yo from his da's place, run various and sundry errands, and get ready to sign the lease for my new place.
And some day, some day, I'm gonna start writing about race. It's a topic fraught with danger and I don't always have the energy for it. But it's gotta be done.
Ha!
But srsly, I gotta get moving.
What I really want to do is talk about the film Sunshine, or the book I'm reading (finally finishing up John Perkins' Confessions of an Economic Hit Man), or how much I detest American politics, or how out of place I am (philosophically) at the mall, or sex, or the kick ass locally-roast fair trade coffee I drink, or anything, really.
But I gotta go pick up the 8yo from his da's place, run various and sundry errands, and get ready to sign the lease for my new place.
And some day, some day, I'm gonna start writing about race. It's a topic fraught with danger and I don't always have the energy for it. But it's gotta be done.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Frustrated
Big cloud, judiciously ignoring it, failing, pretending not to notice my failing.
It's complicated.
It's complicated.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
It's hard being a mamma
My wonderful 8 year old son is MAD AT ME. And honestly, I'm mad at him too.
He is tired and acting like a tired 8 year old boy. But I am also tired, and I am not taking any mess. So he is waiting by the front door of bf's place for his daddy to pick him up (early, because I will not let him play with his new toys right now).
Daddy (the ex) said he won't ring the doorbell, so the 8YO has to wait by the window.
Sigh.
Double Sigh.
In our family I have always been (and will always be, I guess) the one who does the disciplining. I am ALWAYS the one who says "no". I am ALWAYS the one who then has to stand by her "no" so the next "no" is taken seriously.
In the case of stuff with my older son (family court, relations with paternal family members) I think my resolution has been seen as a "Black" thing, or a "crazy" thing (because black women are so often seen as crazy, maybe just a black thing after all).
I haven't really talked about my feelings about the racially motivated (or coded) stuff that happened while I was in the family court process. In many ways I think if I were "blacker" (nobler, more "hard-working", humbler - good negress), I would have had more sympathy from the guardian ad litem and family court counselors. Maybe. Of course more sympathy doesn't mean better treatment in any case. But having pity for a person often makes the pitier *feel* as though they have done something for the pitied... Whatever it was, I feel as though my non-white/otherness was a problem for some of the people in the system, and my family suffered because of it.
Anyhow, it's hard being the mamma, being the hard ass, being the one who says "no", but I see so many spoiled children, and I've KNOWN so many...I cannot abdicate my responsibility because it's uncomfortable.
Few things in life have been as difficult as dealing with the other people who call my children family.
Well, as I wrote this, the ex came by and I got a big hug and kiss from the now calmed-down 8yo. He's okay, I'm okay, We're okay.
But damn, sometimes it's hard being a mamma.
Friday, August 03, 2007
8 years
Eight years ago tonight, I went into labour for the second time.
I was so sick of being pregnant (big baby, middle of summer, due date passed), I dosed myself with black cohosh tincture and some sort of leafy tea stuff (raspberry leaf, probably).
It worked, and I started having regular contractions right around this time of night.
My youngest was born a few hours later (I don't know the exact time, let's say 2:23 am or so).
Tonight it occurred to me that I started feeling exceptionally lonely right around the time T8YO was born, but it didn't have to do with him coming along as it did with the rest of my crazy life. I think my bipolar disorder really started taking off during my pregnancy, but it went largely unnoticed (and of course, totally undiagnosed).
Right now I'm looking forward to the cake I've got to bake in the morning, the decorating we will be doing later, and the happiness it all will inspire. Birthdays are special to me, and I like celebrating them. My *kids* birthdays are even more special, as I carried and gave birth to them. Both of the boys are fans of the birthday celebrations we have. Here's to many more.
Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of my boy as a baby, but I do have one from yesterday. He's a fine big boy.
I was so sick of being pregnant (big baby, middle of summer, due date passed), I dosed myself with black cohosh tincture and some sort of leafy tea stuff (raspberry leaf, probably).
It worked, and I started having regular contractions right around this time of night.
My youngest was born a few hours later (I don't know the exact time, let's say 2:23 am or so).
Tonight it occurred to me that I started feeling exceptionally lonely right around the time T8YO was born, but it didn't have to do with him coming along as it did with the rest of my crazy life. I think my bipolar disorder really started taking off during my pregnancy, but it went largely unnoticed (and of course, totally undiagnosed).
Right now I'm looking forward to the cake I've got to bake in the morning, the decorating we will be doing later, and the happiness it all will inspire. Birthdays are special to me, and I like celebrating them. My *kids* birthdays are even more special, as I carried and gave birth to them. Both of the boys are fans of the birthday celebrations we have. Here's to many more.
Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of my boy as a baby, but I do have one from yesterday. He's a fine big boy.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Home Sweet Home
Yay! I got my dream apartment, I am SO EXCITED.
I sign the lease on Monday, get the keys and start moving in, piecemeal. The apartment has a place for my washing machine, but no gas hookup for my dryer. But there is a laundry room down the hall, so if I choose to not get a new dryer, I'd be aight.
This will be the first time in 10 years that I've lived without forced air heating (there is radiant heating in the flooring). I'm super excited, because this means that I'll probably have a really healthy voice this winter, and the (turns 8 tomorrow!) little one will likely be breathing easier too!
I sign the lease on Monday, get the keys and start moving in, piecemeal. The apartment has a place for my washing machine, but no gas hookup for my dryer. But there is a laundry room down the hall, so if I choose to not get a new dryer, I'd be aight.
This will be the first time in 10 years that I've lived without forced air heating (there is radiant heating in the flooring). I'm super excited, because this means that I'll probably have a really healthy voice this winter, and the (turns 8 tomorrow!) little one will likely be breathing easier too!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Love is a Psychopath
If you haven't been watching Jekyll*, you really ought to.
Bf and I just finished watching the last of the six episodes and they did a really wonderful job with the mini series overall.
*just started this past weekend on BBC America, or as always, available from a tube on the interweb at your convenience.
Bf and I just finished watching the last of the six episodes and they did a really wonderful job with the mini series overall.
*just started this past weekend on BBC America, or as always, available from a tube on the interweb at your convenience.
Howling Monkey and the Slavic Soul Party
I've been super got-damn tired the past couple of days and today broke down and bought an 'energy drink' at the grocery store. I am sick of being too tired to get anything done. So I picked up a Howling Monkey Cola (sugar free). It's got a whole bunch of non-cola things in it, like quinine, b, c and e vitamins, iron and zinc... It's actually tasty, kind of a uppercrust cola flavor with lots of lemon. I bet even the sugar-full variety is tasty. Anyhow, I was pleasantly surprised by it's flavour.
Unfortunately, Howling monkey has a very annoying website which appears to be nothing but a flash animation. That's a shame. I wanna know more about Howling Monkey.
And just now I ran across this song by Slavic Soul Party and it got me feeling pretty good, so I had to share it.
Update, after drinking the entire can of Howling Monkey: I have a headache now, but I am wide awake. And to be fair, a headache has been bothering me on and off for a few days. So six of one, half dozen of the other. Also, I'm kind of hungry, which never helps. I'm gonna put some Aleve on top of the H'key and see what happens.
Later I was hoping to drink alcohol - it's incredibly hot out and a frozen cocktail is really tempting (I gotta kill the virus with *something*, right?), but I should probably hold off for one more day...
Unfortunately, Howling monkey has a very annoying website which appears to be nothing but a flash animation. That's a shame. I wanna know more about Howling Monkey.
And just now I ran across this song by Slavic Soul Party and it got me feeling pretty good, so I had to share it.
Update, after drinking the entire can of Howling Monkey: I have a headache now, but I am wide awake. And to be fair, a headache has been bothering me on and off for a few days. So six of one, half dozen of the other. Also, I'm kind of hungry, which never helps. I'm gonna put some Aleve on top of the H'key and see what happens.
Later I was hoping to drink alcohol - it's incredibly hot out and a frozen cocktail is really tempting (I gotta kill the virus with *something*, right?), but I should probably hold off for one more day...
Homophobia Ruins Everything
One of the many generic insults I have for people is to call them a "mo". It's short, I think, for moron, kind of like calling someone a mook (which may or may not be a variant of the word "moke", which was likely used as a racial epithet a long time ago, but of course makes me nervous because words mean things).
However, I recently read an blog post which sadly makes my use of "mo" a bit more delicate - if only because it reminded me that some people use "mo" as short for "homo" as code for gay-in-a-bad-way.
Damn it, homophobes, you ruin everything.
For a long time I was aware of many parts, if not a large part, of what constituted hip hop. I knew people who were into it and gave me mixtapes, I listened to the Tribe Called Quest/Jungle Brothers/De La Soul/KRS ONE kinds of groups, and I watched BET. But that was a LONG TIME AGO. I have little idea what goes on in Hip Hop anymore, just as I have no idea who is on the top 40. And I'm not exposed to street level culture much at all, emo, hip hop, country, whatever, I don't have casual conversations with many people, and rarely do I talk to "the kids" these days, even at school. So things like "no homo" are just out of my range. I was really saddened to hear about it though, because GOD DAMN, we don't need that shit. Isn't it hard enough for men to be normal without having to qualify everything they do which might be interpreted as being nice to another man for fear they might "look gay"? Fuck. That. Shit.
This is article by my old school chum (and would be paramour, as he made my young heart flutter in 6th grade), Peter S. Scholtes interviews Tori Fixx, a queer MC in the Twin Cities.
And here is a great, "STFU" post directed at a particular subset of the hip hop crowd.
All I know is that my children are going to get an earful from me if I hear them calling things 'gay'. I hate that lazy kind of insult. I swear like a sailor, which is bad enough, but at least I keep it gender and race neutral. Damn.
p.s. Peter, email me the next time you are in town!
However, I recently read an blog post which sadly makes my use of "mo" a bit more delicate - if only because it reminded me that some people use "mo" as short for "homo" as code for gay-in-a-bad-way.
Damn it, homophobes, you ruin everything.
For a long time I was aware of many parts, if not a large part, of what constituted hip hop. I knew people who were into it and gave me mixtapes, I listened to the Tribe Called Quest/Jungle Brothers/De La Soul/KRS ONE kinds of groups, and I watched BET. But that was a LONG TIME AGO. I have little idea what goes on in Hip Hop anymore, just as I have no idea who is on the top 40. And I'm not exposed to street level culture much at all, emo, hip hop, country, whatever, I don't have casual conversations with many people, and rarely do I talk to "the kids" these days, even at school. So things like "no homo" are just out of my range. I was really saddened to hear about it though, because GOD DAMN, we don't need that shit. Isn't it hard enough for men to be normal without having to qualify everything they do which might be interpreted as being nice to another man for fear they might "look gay"? Fuck. That. Shit.
This is article by my old school chum (and would be paramour, as he made my young heart flutter in 6th grade), Peter S. Scholtes interviews Tori Fixx, a queer MC in the Twin Cities.
And here is a great, "STFU" post directed at a particular subset of the hip hop crowd.
All I know is that my children are going to get an earful from me if I hear them calling things 'gay'. I hate that lazy kind of insult. I swear like a sailor, which is bad enough, but at least I keep it gender and race neutral. Damn.
p.s. Peter, email me the next time you are in town!
August, cleanliness complaints
Feeling much better in August!
Turns out I have a summer cold, which left me fatigued and a bit bereft.
Still worn out, but a'ight otherwise.
Decided to read "Confessions of an Economic Hit Man", which I've had out from the school library since JUNE. It's a pretty fast read, so far, as long as I keep the various acronym straight.
I also finished rewatching the first half of the 3rd season of LOST yesterday - I forgot how pissed off I was that they got rid of so many of the colored characters. Plus I just cannot abide by how *clean* everyone is. That is a bunch of bllsht. One of the things I didn't like about The Tudors. Nice teeth, everyone looked extremely clean.
Turns out I have a summer cold, which left me fatigued and a bit bereft.
Still worn out, but a'ight otherwise.
Decided to read "Confessions of an Economic Hit Man", which I've had out from the school library since JUNE. It's a pretty fast read, so far, as long as I keep the various acronym straight.
I also finished rewatching the first half of the 3rd season of LOST yesterday - I forgot how pissed off I was that they got rid of so many of the colored characters. Plus I just cannot abide by how *clean* everyone is. That is a bunch of bllsht. One of the things I didn't like about The Tudors. Nice teeth, everyone looked extremely clean.
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