Saturday, August 04, 2007

It's hard being a mamma

My wonderful 8 year old son is MAD AT ME. And honestly, I'm mad at him too.

He is tired and acting like a tired 8 year old boy. But I am also tired, and I am not taking any mess. So he is waiting by the front door of bf's place for his daddy to pick him up (early, because I will not let him play with his new toys right now).

Daddy (the ex) said he won't ring the doorbell, so the 8YO has to wait by the window.

Double Sigh.

In our family I have always been (and will always be, I guess) the one who does the disciplining. I am ALWAYS the one who says "no". I am ALWAYS the one who then has to stand by her "no" so the next "no" is taken seriously.

In the case of stuff with my older son (family court, relations with paternal family members) I think my resolution has been seen as a "Black" thing, or a "crazy" thing (because black women are so often seen as crazy, maybe just a black thing after all).

I haven't really talked about my feelings about the racially motivated (or coded) stuff that happened while I was in the family court process. In many ways I think if I were "blacker" (nobler, more "hard-working", humbler - good negress), I would have had more sympathy from the guardian ad litem and family court counselors. Maybe. Of course more sympathy doesn't mean better treatment in any case. But having pity for a person often makes the pitier *feel* as though they have done something for the pitied... Whatever it was, I feel as though my non-white/otherness was a problem for some of the people in the system, and my family suffered because of it.

Anyhow, it's hard being the mamma, being the hard ass, being the one who says "no", but I see so many spoiled children, and I've KNOWN so many...I cannot abdicate my responsibility because it's uncomfortable.

Few things in life have been as difficult as dealing with the other people who call my children family.

Well, as I wrote this, the ex came by and I got a big hug and kiss from the now calmed-down 8yo. He's okay, I'm okay, We're okay.

But damn, sometimes it's hard being a mamma.

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