Clarity

Okay. I would like to tell you something about bipolar disorder.

IT TOTALLY SUCKS.

I guess I say that tonight because I am at this point of no longer trusting an energetic period or a good mood. I see them as threats, because maybe it means I'm gonna go all hypomanic and not be able to sleep properly for a week.

Maybe I'll get tons of energy to start 4 new projects but run out of steam before finishing any of them. Maybe I'll get really enthusiatic about a new friend, or group, or about bf or the boys, and I'll get really disappointed when nothing happens the way I've imagined it to happen.

And then, maybe, after a week or two of this high energy, I will suddenly realize that I am a horrible person who should not ever talk to another human being again.

The SWINGS of mood are really tough. Not only on me, but on my kids and my guy.
But they are devastating on friendships and socializing, which leads to more isolation, which allows the down periods to feel even worse.

The other thing which is tough is the medication part. I cant get an anti-depressant until I've tried the mood stabilizer (there is a small amount of evidence that they are not very effective for treating bipolar disorder anyhow). It's hard because I cannot seem to find relief from depression when I take mood stabilizers, so I am staying depressed even while medicated. It's hard because "depression" is a temporary state for most people, but seems to be different for me. And since drug companies and public health campaigns repeat that depression is temporary (which it is for most people), I look like a malingerer.

Bipolar disorder is also sucking more because for whatever reason (I happen to think it's a pretty even combination of life experience and growing older) my moods are less stable these days. A higher percentage of people with bipolar disorder kill themselves, and I think I get why. Right now the seeming inevitability of the swings is very discouraging to me. Losing trust in good feelings and high energy moments makes me feel as though I'm watching myself for a "wrong move" all of the time. No rest for the weary.

I can't sleep tonight and can't concentrate on anything for very long and I need something but I don't know what and food seems good but I'm not hungry. Too bad I don't smoke, right? I'm glad I don't, I'm really glad my building is non-smoking, or I would probably take it up again to keep busy.

How much more rambling can I do? That remains to be seen, because I'm signing off for the time being.