I'm very very sorry

The other night I fell apart. I couldn't stop apologizing (okay, I could, but I did it a lot before I did) to Bf for being so depressed, being a burden, not being okay. I told the bf a lot of stuff I didn't want to, about how much I hurt and what kind of thoughts were going through my head. IT WAS SCARY, for both of us. And although I can only speak for myself, I have to say that I feel better after letting that guard down and being brutally honest with him.

I've been thinking about suicide A LOT. I mean, 50% of my day had thoughts of suicide, from how and where to do it, to what I needed to do before hand, to who would get a suicide note. Scary scary stuff, because this stage is a place I've been before, right before my only real suicide attempt about 20 years ago.

One thing that has been happening over the past several months is my inability to see things outside of my own pain. I have a difficult time looking at other people (especially people who are happy), talking to other people, imagining that other people want anything to do with me.

My brain has been looking inward instead of outward - I don't see much going on outside of my little world inside my head. The past couple of days have been different though. I can see a bit more of the outside world, enjoy a bit more the interactions (but just a bit).

This happened before I began taking a new medication, but I have hope that the medication will make this transition easier.

I want to tell my story because I want people (especially the people whom I care about) to understand. But the story in the middle, the story of the struggle before the outcome, that story is sometimes terribly ugly. The books about this kind of struggle are not by people who still find it hard to get out of bed, but rather they are by the people who have discovered how to live again. Some still have struggles, but they are much better. I'm not that person. I'm not better yet.

So, I know that my writing has gone from semi-interesting to very self-involved and unhappy, and I'm sorry.

There is every reason in the world to expect positive change in this blog. Not immediately, maybe not even this year, but someday.