gratitude

One of the Mhs's (mental health specialist) in the hospital mall talked to me about doing a daily thing where you name 5 things you are grateful for.

I forgot to do it last night, so I'm gonna put myself back into yesterday and write those first.

1. I'm grateful to have had dinner with bf's friends.
2. I'm grateful that my son was happy when he got home from school.
3. I'm grateful for the set of Futurama discs I got "from Santa" (and I'm Santa).
4. I'm grateful for 80s music because it brings up so many memories.
5. I'm grateful for feeling free and dancing in my living room.
   

home again, home again, jiggety jig

So I've been home from the hospital for nearly a week.

Some of it (being back home) is nice, some of it stresses me out.
The new meds I'm taking are great for my mood, but they really stink when it comes to the side effects I'm having. I am even taking a med that counteracts one of my other meds. And I always swore I wouldn't do that. Sigh.

The only huge problem with right now is disorientation and a stumbling/shuffling gate. I can't seem to walk properly. I'm visiting a friend in NYC next week, which is a feat in and of itself. I had wanted to go for months but didn't have the guts to fly/be in a strange place. She said something about doing a lot of walking, and I think I should tell her about this particular side effect.

Lastly, of my side effects: the dryest mouth I've ever had. It makes eating difficult. I've got a phone call out to my nurse to see what she says about that/if there is anything I can do for it. Besides drinking a boatload of water every day.

Twenty-Five things about me

I was tagged a while ago by Marianne @ Kanalaon and finally I've gotten around to it, as I was tagged for a similar meme.
This list has 25 things on it.


1. I've been to Russia and Armenia.
2. Once I slapped someone in a melodramatic way, just like on TV.
3. I can pick up cigarettes, smoke, and then not smoke for months.
4. Currently don't have a favourite colour.
5. When writing words like favorite and color, I use the British U.
6. My laptop and I have an unnaturally close relationship.
7. My 13-year old is going through puberty. It's not a pretty thing.
8. I'd like to write my memoirs some day.
9. I don't have 25 internet friends to tag.
10. I fall asleep at night listening to my iPod.
11. Yesterday in the car, while listening to the radio, someone used the phrase Living My LIfe Like it's Golden, and I turned the radio off and started singing the song "Golden" by Jill Scott. That is one upbeat tune.
12. I take so many meds I had to get a pillbox to organize them all. That scares the dickens out of me.
13. Thirteen is my favourite number. At the time of writing up this list, I look forward to Friday the 13th in a couple of weeks.
14. Apparently, I am the only person in the world that gets the cheaper phone that doesn't take pictures.
15. I'd be thrilled to have a phone with a bell in it at home instead of the fake ring I've got now.
16. After my boyfriend, Netflix may be the best friend I have in town.
17. I love coffee, especially coffee from Nicaragua.
18. Still missing my old favourite coffee shop, Toad Hill.
19. Lately when I dream, I talk out loud, responding to people in the dreams. It's kind of freaky.
20. I'm clinically obese. It's not as bad as it sounds.
21. After a recent hospital stay, I'm trying to eat my meals at the same times as the hospital served them. Obviously I'm in dire need of structure in my day.
22. Because of the meds I referred to in #12, I'm not suppose to drink alcohol.
23. I miss hanging out at Mickey's Tavern. I miss it a lot.
24. Sometimes I laugh when I watch Two and a half Men. It is my secret shame.
25. I'd like to take up photography again.

HMO hell

My health benefits have changed, and I've got to pick one, and when I talked to someone at the Medicaid office and she said it looked as though I was already enrolled in some weird plan which didn't even cover the county I'm in. I've called 2x and got the voice mail box and no real people. I'm terrified about being locked into something which would not work for me...

Books read in 2009: #4 "Blood Hunt"

WOW, I love this book. A thriller of sorts, and a mystery on top of that, this would make a really great film. I hope it gets made. That would be awesome.

It is written by Ian Rankin, known for his books about Inspector Rebus (which have been made into a collection of films broadcast on television). It's different to the Rebus stories, and I liked that.

Highly recommended.

Books read in 2009: #3 "Bandits"

This was a good story. It involved Nicaraguan politics, a former nun, and lepers on the side. Solid, fun, a good read (If you like Elmore Leonard).

Books read in 2009: #2 "Mr. Paradise"

This was a fun Elmore Leonard book. It was strait forward Leonard outing. Guns, girls, racists.

Living La Vida Loca

Huh. I got my release date set, and I'm glad to know I'll be getting out of here soon, BUT, I realize that my life has got to change. I can't do the same things (or in my case not do the same things) which I've been (not) doing.

I've got new medicines which ought to help me feel better, although I'm suspect at the enthusiasm of my clinicians.

We shall see...

Isn't it Ironic

Being hospitalized for depression is actually kind of depressing.

And for some reason, it wreaks havoc on my digestive system (holds aching belly). Or is that just the hospital food?

as the song says...

I feel so lonesome, I could die.

Pulling a Brittney

Remember when Brittney Spears impulsively shaved her head? This morning I had an irresistible urge to cut my hair, so I started by hacking off my ponytail and ended with the clippers. It's not a work of art yet, I need to clean it up a bit, but I feel satisfied. As far as crazy impulses go, it was a rather harmless one.

Baby it's cold outside

Well, it's coldish NOW, but just wait until tonight. -20 F, with windchills down to -40 F.
Same windchills expected for Thursday, which means there will be no school tomorrow! Already trying to figure out what the boy and I will do tomorrow. A Futurama marathon perhaps? Drawing, maybe? Staying in is definitely on the list.

Edit: Just realized the SAME weather is forecast for Friday as well! What will we do? Luckily my dad is coming over to take us out to run errands, so I can get some milk and something for tomorrow's supper.

hahahahaha

Via Medium Large, which is a great comic blog.

And I don't care who knows it.

Two movies I'm really looking forward to in 2009 are:

Star Trek

and

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Films that makes me angry when they could as easily have avoided it.

So, I'm watching "Ghost Town", a Ricky Gervais film, and it's rather light and funny and I'm enjoying it.

And then Gervais' character makes some jokes about "The Chinese" and I feel a sour turn in my stomach.

Then things go along swimmingly for a while.

And then the same character goes to his Indian co-worker and asks him, since he's from a "scary country", how to interrogate someone.

WTH? I know we are supposed to be laughing at the character in the second example, but in the first we are supposed to be laughing with him.

So I've decided to keep enjoying it, but I'm angry too, in a resigned sort of way. Sigh.

A rare occurance

It's very rare that I just stop watching a movie - usually I try to finish it, unless it's just awful.

Last night I made an attempt to watch The Lady in the Water, and hated it so much that I turned it off 20 minutes in.

I'm still mad that I lost that 20 minutes. I'm even angrier than when I saw Austin Powers 2. At least I kind of felt entertained (although gaudily) by that one, even though it was stupid.

I'm not sure I would be able to articulate what I hated about it. I just hated it.

Books read in 2009: #1 "The Maltese Falcon"

Read my first Dashiell Hammet novel this weekend. "The Maltese Falcon". It was a fun read. There were times when sentences were so packed with era-specific slang I couldn't really follow, but for the most part, I kept up.

The Boyfriend and I just finished watching Ang Lee's Lust, Caution, which is intense and pretty amazing. I think I recommend it. I'm not sure, though.

After both the book and the film, I want to be wearing red lipstick and smoking like a chimney.

Out of the mouths of babes

This is a difficult story to tell, but I want to remember it.

On Christmas Eve morning, after making breakfast and opening gifts, I went into my room, got into bed, and cried. I cried and cried and felt as though I'd never stop.

Over the next week I spent a lot of time being sad crying, and close quarters with my youngest meant he saw me cry a couple of times.

New Year's Eve my car door latch had frozen and when I discovered that I couldn't close my door, I lost it. Everything felt so hopeless and I just couldn't stand it. My boyfriend fixed my door, I dried my tears and went on with my day, but before that happened my son said to me, "maybe you need to go back to the hospital...they took good care of you there, and you felt better." I had been thinking about going back to the hospital the day before. Eerie.

New Year's night the boy had a hard time going to sleep, and he finally burst into tears, loudly, an hour after he was supposed to be asleep. He told me he was worried that I would die of depression. "And if you died of depression, I would die of depression."

That boy can break my heart with just a few words. He's very in touch with his feelings.

I feel badly for him, because he feels a responsibility towards me that no child should feel toward their parent. I feel badly for him because my disease makes his life harder.

I don't know how to end this story, but I wanted to tell it, as much as I could.