Wednesday, October 03, 2007


Hmmm, it could be anything, but today I will call it paralysis.

It's like being enveloped in jelly, or custard, or glue. I just feel stuck in place.

This morning I broke out long enough to wash dishes, make coffee and mop the kitchen floor.

But I seem to be stuck in place again.

This crazy lack of motivation is...well, crazy.

For some reason I'm 15 years old, unable to get out of bed day after day, roused only to watch tv and shower. Then, as now, I have responsibilities (but oh, then they were really not that bad, and I knew it), which I feel are poorly handled.

Now, however, I have more tools to unstick myself, more freedom with which to move and make choices.

But inside, I am the same lost and aimless creature as I was then.

It's so strange to be her. But with the internet. And children.

I've been up since 6:30 and have yet to eat breakfast. I've been hungry since 8. Yes, if these were my only troubles, I'd be blessed. And to some extent (in the immediate sense) they are my only troubles. So maybe I'm blessed, to some extent.

Wow, this is moving around in a circle. What I want is a place, outside of this inertia and quiet, which feels as safe as this place does. It's not necessarily a nice place to be, but it feels safe as houses and I want to stay here.

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