dolorous \DOH-luh-ruhs\, adjective:
Marked by, causing, or expressing grief or sorrow.
Dolorous derives from Latin dolor, "pain, grief, sorrow," from dolere, "to suffer pain, to grieve."
The worst thing about 'how I get sometimes' is how much sense it makes: because I am broken and imperfect I should kill myself. And there seems little else that would so perfectly and completely solve the problem that is me; the inconvenience to others, and all the other negative effects of my existence.
But there are many layers of logic and feeling between me and those feelings, at least in deed. I promise to let those layers
(90 minutes later)
I feel better now, after some music and a cup of coffee. I think sometimes lose sight to how much I need to talk about what I am feeling. I have been keeping things to myself precisely because I don't want to be a burden, but that, obviously, isn't working too well. Still figuring this all out, still figuring me all out. And singing some dolorous shanty tune about the weary cutters and the weary sea taking my laddie, that's helped too.