Saturday, November 10, 2007

I'm a hypocrite

It was a smack in the face, but I realized this when I woke up (after I had weighed myself):

As much as I say I am not in favour of Weight Loss Dieting, that's exactly what I'm doing right now. Sort of (I will qualify this to death if I let myself).

I'm still adamant that what I am trying to do is be happier, and losing a bit of weight is part of what I see helping me get there. Not the only thing, and definitely not the main thing, but part of a set of things I want to change in my life.

I've just been prescribed a drug to manage my moods and anxiety, and that drug is known for causing weight loss as a side effect. I looked it up yesterday and found a lot of interesting information about it, such as it's uses off label by "weight loss" doctors (i.e. Quacks) and others as a diet drug. That was disturbing to say the least, as the drug has a handful of other very unpleasant side effects that are only worth the risk to me because of my struggles - I want to find stability (part of the being happier equation).

The funny thing is that if I stopped tracking my food and limited my calorie intake purposefully, but this drug just "happened" to make me lose weight anyhow, I'd still be cool in the FA community. But because I wanna lose weight (YES, DAMN IT, I DO. OKAY? Sorry), I'm a potential outcast.

Nevermind that I have been talking to people (including my health care providers*) about Health at Every size and other stuff, identifying myself as an Anti-Weight-Loss-Diet person and generally living FA (for everyone Except me, lol). Or that I will talk about my fat and tell people how much I weigh - 206 at 5'8". The fact that I have identified purposeful weight loss as a goal makes me less credible (or destroys my credibility completely) as part of the Fat Acceptance community.

At least to some.

To me, I'm a fat accepter as I am a feminist. With small fs, and to my own standards.
That's how it gonna be and how it's gotta be. But I thought acknowledging that yes, I have altered my eating to lose weight was important. I don't want to pretend that I'm not out to lose. I still plan to be "overweight" when I stop tracking, just less so.
And in the end, that's my damn business. It's my body, and I'm the only one who has got to live in it.

* Okay, so I've got this nurse I see for meds appointments, and she is hung up on weight and weight loss. She is an average size person, maybe slightly fat (honestly, I don't know). But when telling me about this new drug, she emphasized the weight loss side effect and said that a client of hers had lost 30 lbs, which set me off into a "That's not healthy" thing, and she go all defensive and said "well, she needed to lose 30 lbs," and I said, "It's still not healthy to lose that much in a month - most of that had to be water weight or something from changing medications." - we went around in a funny circle of her being sure it was FINE and me being certain if it happened to me I'd be in the doctor's office getting blood work done. Finally I told her that I didn't like to hear about weightloss and dieting things because I found it to be both depressing and I wanted to concentrate on health. She's always rubbed me the wrong way a bit, and that kind of thing doesn't help. Maybe one day she'll tell me she's read Gina Kolata's book (ooh, I should pick it up for her in paperback!), or just leave it out. It's weird because she's a psychiatric nurse. She doesn't even know what I weigh. Damn it. I should write her a letter.

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