Friday, October 19, 2007

Side Effects, possible

So I don't know what to think.
My new meds coincided with a new ability to concentrate on reading for closer to 10 minutes up from 5. That seems to be a direct correlation, but I have to admit my *general* ability to concentrate hasn't risen across the board.

My new meds were started at the same time as my menstrual period too, so perhaps my increased energy and bounciness are related not to the medication but to hormonal changes.

My new meds have seemed (that is, I cannot find another cause, so I am seeing this as a causal relationship) to precipitate my becoming VERY CHATTY with strangers. I mean striking up wacky conversations on the bus. WTF is that about? I am not usually a chatter in that manner. It's almost a compulsive feeling.


And lastly, I am having some worry that I am getting increased energy but still feeling pretty down, and also impulsive. I want to spend lots of money. This could well be attributed to the Capitalist/Consumer culture value of shopping as therapy. It's not as though that is way out of hand. I always think of out of hand spending as something an old coworker told me when describing her mania shopping: "a gross of ball point pens" or a "case of paper towels" just because she NEEDED those things.

Because I am still unemployed, I can agonize over every purchase (food and good beer are easier to deal with). But when I *want* something, I usually find the will power to not get it, if I don't need it.

It's hard to tell with me, what's related to my personality, my bipolar, my meds, or normal changes in mood. Since I've basically stopped therapy I am not being checked in with on the same level, but as it had not really been good (except when she told me something I was doing in one of my relationships was passive agressive, that was really helpful). So I feel that stopping therapy was self-care (as my therapist encouraged me to recognize such things and take action on them when I could).

Isn't it ironic?

Anyhow, I am feeling as though my lack of people to talk about certain things with is difficult, but I don't feel as sad as I did before. Maybe I'm meant to be floating around, directionless, with few to talk to. Maybe this is my life.

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