Wednesday, October 10, 2007


I've been thinking about correlations, in the past day or so, between my depressions and other aspects of my life.

I've been thinking about causation too. Like, is my weight gain caused by my depression? I know the depression has correlated with both my being thinner and my being increasingly fat. But it seems that being overly fat (as I think I'm supposed to be curvy) is directly related to being depressed, as I consume more sugars and complex carbs when I'm sad. It does lift my mood a bit.

And something in a different direction: I hate being depressed. I hate that people treat me as though I have a choice in it. "Go make friends" they exhort, as if that were a commodity I could locate easily and then obtain. "Love yourself", as if my self esteem were the key to ridding myself of unrelenting bad thoughts, anxiety and suicidality. Cuz that works to shrink tumors and repair heart tissue without any other intervention.

I know I have choices, but the choice of how my brain works (or doesn't in this case) isn't available. I can influence my own thinking and feelings, but I cannot make this depression lift. I cannot change my biology at will.

It was unseasonably hot this weekend, like late July. But autumn wouldn't leave us alone for long. It's overcast and wet out (okay, maybe not wet, I haven't been out yet, it just *seems* wet through the closed shades). I'm leaving the shades down until I psych myself up for no sun. Somedays I don't care at all, and some days all I want to see is a bit of sunshine. Today is one of the latter.

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