Saturday, April 21, 2007

What Scares You?

Sometimes the text of an email strikes me as perfect blog fodder. The following is just that, an email I sent off this morning. Not overly personal (especially for me). I'd sent bf a link to an IMDb review I wrote, which prompted the first fright mentioned.

One of the things I find most frightening is talking to someone who is very knowledgeable on a subject about something of which I "know" little - not if I'm asking to learn from them, but if I am saying "I know this". I figure talking to you about movies fits in that category very neatly.

Spiders scare me too, sometimes. Now I've intellectualized things so I don't *immediately scream* when I see one. But I still remember D bringing home a book about 'amazing' spiders (bird catchers, trap builders and the like) and being unable to read it because of the pictures (those eyes still haunt). I remember learning last year that the fear of creatures such as snakes, spiders and other creepy crawlies is an evolutionary thing.

When M was a baby I used to dream of him drowning, or at least, being lost in murky water while I tried to look for him. I can't swim, you know, so the dreams would incorporate that as well - couldn't find him, couldn't properly look for him... I was, for a few years, always afraid that he would be gravely hurt, that I would be. In hindsight I seems I just transferred all of my insecurity about my life to the question of his safety. Because he was actually fairly safe, but there were treacherous waters *I* was in. Writing this I realize that I haven't had a dream like that in a long time.

The idea (the mere idea of it, I tell you) that I might be failing to achieve perfection when pursuing a goal- that still puts fear into my heart. No matter how hard I try to ignore it. Pushing through that wall of sheer nervousness actually feels really good (Speech class was a great crash course in pushing through the largely physiological part of that reaction). I feel stronger when I do.

What scares you in life? What makes you feel strong?

I've got a million things on my mind, not the least of which is the huge list of tasks I've planned for myself this weekend. The house has been ignored too long. A few weeks ago I decided that the Summer of 2007 would see the reemergence of my being 'house proud'. For now I'll still have that ugly green 70s flooring in the kitchen, and other potentially shame inducing inadequacies, but I am going to make things as nice as I can afford to, and continue cleaning up 5+ years of detritus. So as dawn settles into day, it's time for me to get up from the computer and begin cleaning (kitchen first, I think).

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