Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Non better

[post title is a tip o the hat to a gramatically incorrect liquor store in the Chicago neighborhood a couple of my friends lived in for a few years. Much like we would say "these cookies are malicious" in a Mike Tyson voice, we'd say something was really good as in: "These cookies are good - there are non better!"]

Sometimes, when I am in the midst of a romantic relationship, it occurs to me that I have NO IDEA how to be in a relationship.

I know how to get into them, and I know how to get out of them, but being in one>? A far trickier proposition. For now I will assume that the mistakes I make (and those of my guy) aren't uncommon and chalk them up to human error.

Several months ago something happened which caused my bf to think we were done for - it was in his head, this 'doneness', and I was kind of freaked out by his strong reaction, because I didn't think it was such a big deal. We all have triggers which set off deep down anxieties, and this one was his. This weekend one of mine was set off and all I wanted to do was RUN. Fast and far. I still feel skittish.

I hate this feeling, being frightened by my own shadow, but I get the feeling it's my own shadow I need to be looking at right now. The stuff inside I'm hiding from.

I'm going to spend some time right now considering my fear and what to do with it.

And later I get so spend some time with my fella - there are non better.

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