When are tax returns not tax returns?

So, I finished filling out my tax returns on Turbo Tax, and see that as I had 0 income I have 0 tax liability (no stimulating check for me). Should I bother actually filing the complicated form or just do the simple one? Because I get no child tax credits, nothing for my deductions, just squat. I think I like the idea of filing everything because it is the only 'real' accounting I do for myself each year, but technically, I really don't need to. I think I should file the cheap (read FREE) way, and live with it.

Will have to do more digging and see what I come up with. Honestly. This is the first year in...20 that I haven't had any tax liability nor gotten a refund.

I feel so out of step.

Opulence and apples

Boyfriend has a family wedding in February, and I was on the fence about attending - mostly the expense of buying something appropriate, but also a bit of my social anxiety coming out. Plus, am I the only person who isn't fond of attending weddings? Seriously, my best friend's nuptials in 2001 were great, because they were hers, and I think that's the last wedding I've been to (and the one before that was a long time before).

But this morning I went to look at a beautiful dress I found on Amazon and decided I'd pick it up - I can return it if it's not right - and then I needed to find shoes, an undergarment thingy, and pantyhose. I also will need a purse and a wrap.

But since I don't know if it's a daytime or evening wedding (please be evening, I'm better at that look), I can't finish shopping. Plus I suppose I need to be sure about the dress first.

Anyhow, I started thinking about my hair and nails and makeup, and got excited about dressing up. And while the idea of dropping a few hundred bucks for outfit and extras is still pretty ridiculous (I really am a thrifty gal, really), I'll probably do it.

Because I honestly have nothing to wear.

In other news, the boy requested baked apples this morning, so I dug through the fridge and ressurected some apples I bought in October. In my old place I'd put appled in the basement where they would stay cool and dry, but here I don't have a cool place (with radiant heating I can't 'turn off' one room and keep it cooler. It'd be awesome to have controls in each room!), so they go in the fridge.

I had to peel them, but they taste wonderful, cut into medium sized chunks and mixed with raisins, cinnamon and maple syrup.

Yum.

It's very cold here. Forecase windchills up to (or down to) -15 degrees F.

I'd like to stay in all day, but have promised myself that I'd do some things - the most important is finally returning my Netflix movies and paying a bill. So eventually, I'm getting out of the house. Freezing weather or no.

Various and Sundry updates

Aw man,
I just got an email that my Tech school will be teaching an introduction to Mandarin this spring AND Arabic in the fall of 2008! I would have loved to try either of those in the past two years. Oh well. I don't think I can do the Mandarin class because it's a late class and I have the boy on the days it's offered.

Besides, Mandarin is out a few years, right? But I'm thinking of NOT doing 4th semester Spanish this January (I need to check the graduation requirements to see if this will be okay or not for graduation), just because I've had a really rough semester and don't feel that I'm ready to move on with that coursework.

I'm thinking of taking Native American Lit this spring... I need to double check my schedule and make my decision before the class fills up.

And that is all I have to say about school. The less said right now, the better.

Now about MUMPS! I did go to the doctor on Friday morning and got a test for mono and strep, both negative, so the doctor ordered both a viral culture (saliva) and an antibody test (blood), and these tests take a long time. I'll be well before I get the results. But I will let you know.

Right now I'm sitting watching an interesting show on PBS, American Experience "Malcolm X - Make it Plain". James Baldwin was just shown saying that Malcolm's power over his audience was that he told the truth about their lives (the reality of racism on their lives, to simplify), a truth that no one articulated, and that is how he had this power as an orator.

Very interesting. If I had a tivo I would quote Baldwin properly and you'd be nodding your head, "yes, yes", just as I did.

Although I haven't journaled in several days (really, I've been sleeping and watching TV shows on the computer), I just thought about the state of my new home (no pictures on the walls, many many things still in boxes), and I want to say something about it.

But what? Hmmmm. I'll have to think about it.

Lastly, in the least important news, the downstairs neighbors are listening to music a bit too loudly for 8:30 on a Sunday morning. They have a series of caretakers, all with different annoying habits. The music is at least not jam band stuff (someone last week was playing that at 7:30 on Tuesday maybe? Too early and too loud). But it's a bit loud. I can't tell though if I'm overly sensitive to it or not. It's better than the guy who must have gotten fired for being a jerk (he yelled swear words one morning).

Paraphrase

So events and an unsuccessful attempt to adjust medication dosage conspired to keep me up all night the other evening, and I was lucky lucky lucky enough to have a night owl/early bird on the line with me to keep the crazies at bay. We had some good talk about many things and one thing I keep coming back to is the idea of what I need in my life in the order of other people.

Now this is something I've struggled with for a long time, and I don't expect I'll stop struggling with it any time soon.

The gist of the conversation was about needing a partner, and how I NEED a partner. I'm not one of those people who can go it alone. I do go it alone, I have, and I will, if that's how the chips fall, but I don't WANT to.

I WANT to be in partnership. At least, that's what I think I want. At the same time, I find it outrageously difficult to be expected to trust anyone else to do anything properly, or in my best interest, or when I need them to... Basically, I don't believe people will do what they say they will when they say they will. Which can tend to make it hard for me to relinquish my control over things.

Oddly, in romantic relationships, I usually relinquish most of the control in an effort to become more appealing. Guess what? Doesn't appear to work! I know, surprising. Who, as they say, would have thunk it?

So who knows? I guess what I am saying is that I've decided that needing what I need isn't the culprit, it's accepting less. Because less is never ever gonna be enough.

I am not Kurt Cobain and Slyvia Plath

To state the obvious, I'm not famous nor particularly talented.

But I was thinking about it today, this nagging feeling I have when I am really fucking depressed, that I WILL kill myself one day, and I thought (man, my therapist has gotten to me) that while it's understandable that I would identify with these artists and their struggle (lost) with depression and despair, that I don't have to follow them down.

And there are other people (also artists) who have struggled with similar things who are not dead. But seriously, I am gravitating toward the dead ones right now.

A clean slate

It's pretty obvious: I need a fresh start.

Spent some time this weekend reading old blogs and looking at pictures from the past few years and made myself a bit melancholy. I miss the old me, the one who felt as though she had a life (whether or not she liked it all of the time).

Me right now is a very confused proposition. I have things I wanted for a long time (a smart funny man in my life, the pursuit of higher education, lots of free time), but I am not very happy.

My therapy, which I do credit for saving my hide at least once in the past year and a half, has become stressful, instead of the haven it once was. I don't want to go and see my therapist at all, so I'm taking a break from that. Because I can't leave town right now, I need to find a way to get some respite.

My ideas right now are centering around spending more time alone, which is kind of crazy, considering how much time I spend alone already (14-24 a day depending on the day, and when I'm on an insomnia streak, those hours really stand out). But I don't know what else to do. The things I'm thinking of doing are: working out at the Y (daily?), fixing up the apartment by going through the stuff I haven't unpacked and either throwing it away or putting it away, getting art up on the walls, and planning out some beading projects, maybe even Christmas gifts.

I've got to get some things decided, make some phone calls and get my week planned out. When I can get my head around it, I need to get my car looked at and my hair cut. But this week I have two exams and so I will be writing and studying a lot.

Hmmm. This is rambling now. I am gonna say one more thing: excessive anxiety is really difficult to deal with, and leads to all kinds of things. Some are good, like ingenuity - when I'm too freaked out to go shopping for food, I have to be creative to make a good meal from what I've got. The bad ones are maybe self-evident, like not getting things done on time, being too freaked out to take my car in or get a hair cut leads to my car dying in traffic whenever I drive and my hair getting scraggly.
I wish I could just be rid of it.

Anyway, here's to starting over.

Will I know it when it comes?

Sometimes, I think I feel like I'm dying. But thinking about it now, I'm kind of embarrassed by that, because what the hell does dying feel like? I don't know.

As ever, my mood has lifted a bit after being so low. I think today went well.

My goal is to find distractions, find distractions and take care of things. Be a better mom to the boys, make more of a safe place of my home. Maybe decorate.

Tonight we made jello and put fruit in it. I've been craving jello for a couple of days (and soup, and saltines). It was the oddest thing, how comforting it was to make something simple, how much the 8 year old enjoyed the process. Being able to wait the 95 minutes it took for the jelly to set up enough to add the pineapple, and then an hour longer until we ate it.

I've been watching a lot of TV (mostly British, mostly hilarious) on my computer, and that's been a comfort. I'm really enjoying it, actually. Plus, I've got amazing taste, so I'm pleased on that point.

Tomorrow it's bowling league first thing. I'm going to bring along my Spanish homework and study, or maybe write a little of the essays due for my Anthro exam next week. You might be surprised to learn, however, that studying in a 38 lane bowling alley full of people bowling is rather difficult.

Maybe I'll make homemade cream of tomato soup tomorrow. I've no saltines, but I've got some crackers - or I could make croutons! That sounds lovely.

Funny pages

Yay for my new macbook! Yay for wireless connectivity at bf's place, and portability, and...finding whole new ways to lose half a day in front of the computer. Boo to the "no good angle", chatting camera above the screen.