The night of a thousand dreams (about tea)

Actually, I think there was only one, long dream of tea, but it was enough. I'm up at least 2 hours earlier than I'd planned to be, and if it weren't for bf's need for another hour of sleep, I'd be banging around getting laundry ready and taking a shower, etc.

As it is, I've got a cup of ginger tea by my side (this fabulous Thai stuff, which is really a mixture of granulated ginger and sugar, sure to cure what ails me).

I did dream of tea, though. This after drinking two large mugs of it last night (one earl grey, one raspberry). The weather is turning cooler, and I've been fighting an odd combination of allergy/cold symptoms for a week or so.

So tea is nice.

Now it's back to The Wire, my ginger tea (I think I'll follow it up with some more earl grey), and waiting for my antihistamine drug to kick in an stop this sneezing!

Industrial Espionage

There's a plot against my sleep. At least, I feel as though there is. I live in a semi-industrial neighborhood.

And one of the businesses is making a hell of a lot of noise right now. Perhaps they are loading a truck? I dunno, but it's BLOODY LOUD and they woke me the hell up.

Not very happy.

p.s. Please send me some Christmas Spirit! I have none.

Now, back to watching Bones Season 1.

Paraphrase

So events and an unsuccessful attempt to adjust medication dosage conspired to keep me up all night the other evening, and I was lucky lucky lucky enough to have a night owl/early bird on the line with me to keep the crazies at bay. We had some good talk about many things and one thing I keep coming back to is the idea of what I need in my life in the order of other people.

Now this is something I've struggled with for a long time, and I don't expect I'll stop struggling with it any time soon.

The gist of the conversation was about needing a partner, and how I NEED a partner. I'm not one of those people who can go it alone. I do go it alone, I have, and I will, if that's how the chips fall, but I don't WANT to.

I WANT to be in partnership. At least, that's what I think I want. At the same time, I find it outrageously difficult to be expected to trust anyone else to do anything properly, or in my best interest, or when I need them to... Basically, I don't believe people will do what they say they will when they say they will. Which can tend to make it hard for me to relinquish my control over things.

Oddly, in romantic relationships, I usually relinquish most of the control in an effort to become more appealing. Guess what? Doesn't appear to work! I know, surprising. Who, as they say, would have thunk it?

So who knows? I guess what I am saying is that I've decided that needing what I need isn't the culprit, it's accepting less. Because less is never ever gonna be enough.

Squish, right in the brain pan

MEMO
TO: BRAIN
FROM: ME
CC: NERVOUS SYSTEM WORKING GROUP, PSYCHE SUB-COMMITTEE
RE: SLEEP

I am writing to express my extreme displeasure at the lack of sleep I received last night and the utter exhaustion which has followed this morning. This sort of thing is absolutely unacceptable and must be rectified IMMEDIATELY.

My suggestions include the immediate halt of rumination, and the mitigation of anxiety. Also, a look into the "resetting" of the circadian rhythm is likely warranted.

Thank you for your work in addressing this matter promptly.

Clarity

Okay. I would like to tell you something about bipolar disorder.

IT TOTALLY SUCKS.

I guess I say that tonight because I am at this point of no longer trusting an energetic period or a good mood. I see them as threats, because maybe it means I'm gonna go all hypomanic and not be able to sleep properly for a week.

Maybe I'll get tons of energy to start 4 new projects but run out of steam before finishing any of them. Maybe I'll get really enthusiatic about a new friend, or group, or about bf or the boys, and I'll get really disappointed when nothing happens the way I've imagined it to happen.

And then, maybe, after a week or two of this high energy, I will suddenly realize that I am a horrible person who should not ever talk to another human being again.

The SWINGS of mood are really tough. Not only on me, but on my kids and my guy.
But they are devastating on friendships and socializing, which leads to more isolation, which allows the down periods to feel even worse.

The other thing which is tough is the medication part. I cant get an anti-depressant until I've tried the mood stabilizer (there is a small amount of evidence that they are not very effective for treating bipolar disorder anyhow). It's hard because I cannot seem to find relief from depression when I take mood stabilizers, so I am staying depressed even while medicated. It's hard because "depression" is a temporary state for most people, but seems to be different for me. And since drug companies and public health campaigns repeat that depression is temporary (which it is for most people), I look like a malingerer.

Bipolar disorder is also sucking more because for whatever reason (I happen to think it's a pretty even combination of life experience and growing older) my moods are less stable these days. A higher percentage of people with bipolar disorder kill themselves, and I think I get why. Right now the seeming inevitability of the swings is very discouraging to me. Losing trust in good feelings and high energy moments makes me feel as though I'm watching myself for a "wrong move" all of the time. No rest for the weary.

I can't sleep tonight and can't concentrate on anything for very long and I need something but I don't know what and food seems good but I'm not hungry. Too bad I don't smoke, right? I'm glad I don't, I'm really glad my building is non-smoking, or I would probably take it up again to keep busy.

How much more rambling can I do? That remains to be seen, because I'm signing off for the time being.

Hey, I'm in the top million

Sleepless nights can be fun.
Look what I found:

"I wanna be more than that"

Okay, this is corny, but I've been watching the american version* of The Office the past few weeks and I just got to the big relationship denouement between Jim and Pam and I burst into tears! Hell, I am a crazy romantic at heart, but I thought I was stronger than a sitcom.

If pressed, I'll put it to the fact that I've been up nearly 24 hours (yay insomnia the night before an exam!).

*wow, I just found out there are MORE versions: A French, German and French Canadian!

Not so smart

I'm really swamped right now. Because I've been spending so much time throwing things away (and trying to be thoughtful about how I put things back together - like with like), I haven't PACKED a lot.

Also, because I am giving/throwing away a good 30% of my belongings, packing is taking longer than I'd thought. My solution? Donate what I have organized, and take the rest at a later date.

Because I needed to finish a test for which I was woefully unprepared, I drank a small cup of coffee around 9:30 and now I'll be up until at least 2:30 because of it. I've been tired and overcaffeinated for days, by Monday I'll be psychotic. Okay, not PSYCHOTIC, but really strung out.

Bf has been a superstar during this move, and tonight he snapped when I was equivocating yet again about getting rid of something. The most wonderful thing was that it didn't turn into a fight (he was right, after all, and so was I), I didn't feel like a stupid jerk, and we moved on. That exchange feels very natural and monumental to at the same time.

I wish I could try out a new life instead of creating it - seems so much simpler, doesn't it?

Please send me all of your good housing vibes this coming week. I talked to someone today about what amounts to a phantom apartment (may or may not be available on the 15th of Aug) and I want it to be a tangible place by Monday when I call her back. I want to live in a certain neighborhood, and the almost 8 year old and I were in that neighborhood today looking at a "meh" apartment. My goal is someplace fantastic, cheap, and with a good 'vibe'. On a busline, close to cool stuff (cafe, park), and in a real, lively neighborhood.