One bin, extra loony

It was 22 months ago, give or take, that I checked myself into the psych ward at a local hospital.

Sadly, that stay was very disappointing (terrible food, horrible head doctor, condescending resident with sad, caterpillary I-want-to-look-like-I'm-in-charge mustache, annoying hypocritical liberal social worker, and filled with crazy people), and not at all therapeutic.

During the intervening time I've done a lot of therapy with a great psychologist and tried a couple of medications (unsuccessfully). And now I find myself very nearly at the same place I was two years ago: in the midst of a depression which seems to be growing exponentially, feeling quite isolated and hopeless, wondering what to do next.

It's not as if I haven't made lots of progress toward 'recovery', it's just that I am no longer sure what that means or who I am. And for those of you who have not experienced this existential sort of vacuum, it's no. fun. at. all.

A friend has offered her extra room 1500 miles from here as respite should I choose to take it. And I can tell you I'd love to take it, but I've got more than an inkling that my ex would take my absence and use it to leverage against me, moving the 8 year old back to his old school district as soon as I turned my back. So, along with my own school work to consider, I've obviously got a big reason to not take that trip at the moment.

My tack at the moment is to accept that I feel absolutely awful and try my best to pretend otherwise. That tack on a grand scale isn't very good for a person (I dressed for and nearly drove to work the day I checked myself into the hospital). It's maddening to pretend, and pretending isn't healthy. But being really like this (depressed, dissatisfied, humourless, bitter) is alienating for the rest of the world. So for now, while I work out my next steps, I'm going to do it wearing a layer of armour make-up and wearing at the least a mona lisa half-smile.

I really don't want to go back to the bin.

I'm watching the Emmy's!?!?

Wow, who would have though I would be sitting here watching the Emmy's tonight?
It's because of my new obsession with The Office (up for 9 awards). The two actors up for Best Female and Male Supporting (Comedy) from the show didn't win.

There was a nice little bit about Roots which Queen Latifah introduced. I've got two things to say about the bit:

1. I LOVE Queen Latifah. You know how people are always saying (lately) that they love someone but 'not in a gay way'? I love Queen Latifah in the gayest way possible. I remember once talking to someone about how I loved her, and I BLUSHED. Yep, it's serious. Tonight she was wearing a red dress (which she ROCKED) and I was looking at her breasts half of the time. She is beautiful, and strong, and I just love her.
   
2. It's been 30 years, maybe I'm ready to watch ROOTS? That show scared the stuffing out of me when it originally aired, and I couldn't watch it. When I was watching the scenes they were showing this evening, I was struck by all of the wonderful actors they had in the show - it's hard to imagine such a great cast of black actors being put together for a similar show these days. Also, I remember John Amos from Good Times and he must have been REALLY young then, because he looks damn good now.
   

I am not very motivated to watch the rest of the show, but inertia is a factor.

And the beat goes on

Hey, I survived last night.

That's good, right?

Dead Again

Really hating my depression, which translates quite literally into really hating myself and my life at the moment.

I've picked up the phone and put it down again ten times in the past hour.

Hey, I'm in the top million

Sleepless nights can be fun.
Look what I found:

"I wanna be more than that"

Okay, this is corny, but I've been watching the american version* of The Office the past few weeks and I just got to the big relationship denouement between Jim and Pam and I burst into tears! Hell, I am a crazy romantic at heart, but I thought I was stronger than a sitcom.

If pressed, I'll put it to the fact that I've been up nearly 24 hours (yay insomnia the night before an exam!).

*wow, I just found out there are MORE versions: A French, German and French Canadian!

Aftermath

I was not as moved by the events of September 11, 2001 as it seemed I should have been. When the days events unfolded, I was starting a new temp job and along with everyone else in the building, trying to read about what was happening. It was incredibly shocking, and while I felt sadness for those who died, I just didn't feel it...personally, I guess. Afterward, my inherent fear and distrust of group think made me shy away from the patriotism stuff, and I wasn't willing to buy in to all the jingoism and hate-mongering (hatred for Arabs, Muslims, etc).

What has been far more moving than the actual events of that day (which were of course horrifying, I'm not heartless), is seeing the widespread aftermath. It's incredibly sad to see stories of the first responders and volunteers who are dying because of their exposure to the toxic materials resulting from the attacks. I've heard reports on Democracy Now! about the illnesses and deaths, about the difficulty of these secondary victims in getting health care and prescription coverage through their jobs or government agencies. In Sicko, a group of these first responders is introduced, and it's shocking how sick they are (and they are relatively healthy in comparison to some of their colleagues).

This morning I can't sleep and was reading lots of websites and I came across this picture:


EMT Marvin Bethea (photo by Allan Tennenbaum)

Allan Tennenbaum has a website with pictures of many first responders and interviewers with them (or their families). It's a must read. The page also links to a Time Magazine piece with audio of interviews from the series.

I have to go!

But instead I am sitting here watching The Office.

The hiccup

So, I had something funny to post and its gone from my head now.

Wonder what it could have been?

In lieu of what would have been a BRILLIANT post, surely, is a picture of me looking confused.

Mood alert

Noticing my mood ratcheting up this week, from the abject depression I was mired in last week. Unfortunately the good mood of the weekend has been replaced by lots of nervous energy and anxiety.

Oatmeal Gingerbread

I've been eating oatmeal nearly everyday for the past few weeks. When I make too much, I put the leftovers in the fridge, and yesterday I found a couple of cups of oatmeal (one scottish, one old-fashioned rolled), and decided to bake something this morning. Although summer isn't over yet (it's supposed to be in the 90s today). I made this recipe up thinking of fall...

Oatmeal Gingerbread

2 Cups prepared oatmeal
1/2-3/4 C milk
2 eggs
2 Tbs Molasses
2 Tbs Oil
2 Cups white whole wheat flour
3/4 Cup white sugar
1 t. baking powder
1 t. baking soda
1 t. kosher salt
Powdered ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, to taste

Preheat oven to 350º F, grease a large loaf or small baking pan.

Mix the oatmeal and 1/2 C of milk in a mixing bowl, getting out any lumps.
Beat eggs into the oatmeal.
Add and molasses and oil , mixing well.

In separate bowl, mix flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
Add spices to taste (I added a little bit of ancho chili powder to provide a kick).

Mix dry ingredients well and then add to wet ingredients and mix only until incorporated. If the batter is too stiff, add the additional 1/4 C milk.

Bake for 45-50 minutes, cool on rack.

This was really tasty! The molasses flavour isn't overwhelming, and the cake itself is very moist. Yum.

Note: my oatmeal had raisins in it, which added some texture, flavour and sweetness. You could add 1/3-1/2 Cup raisins if you like.

[EDIT: I had a piece with still-hot homemade apple sauce and a bit of cream drizzled over the top. Heaven.]

First Day Jitters

Last night the little one came into my room and said: "I'm depressed and I feel like I'm going to throw up." Understandable that he'd identify feelings of anxiety and worry over his first day in a new school and a new school district.

We had a nice talk about feelings and stuff, and he responded very well to that, which was really good. He especially liked when I said, "Your name is ______, and people want to be your friend." I hope he remembers that one.

I sent a hot lunch with him to school (our first attempt at using the new thermos) and spent the first 10 minutes in the classroom listening to the teacher introduce herself and third grade.

I love the way they say the state-mandated pledge of allegiance in this district: they tell you you don't have to say it, or stand. Which, btw, none of the kids did. I'd been standing with my hand over my heart up until the pledge started, when I quickly snatched it down. I'm not much for that pledge, especially with the god part in it. So I had a nice smile. This district is so much more ME than the last one.

Saw three people I knew and had fallen out of touch with in the past few years. That was cool. Still a pretty white school, but way more brown than the last one. I'd guess there are more brown kids in this combo elementary/middle school than there are in the entire district in Monona. Which wouldn't be difficult as far as I can tell.

I think I'll be missing my late class today because they let out of school 1/2 hour before the dang thing starts and I don't think we'll be able to negotiate that and get to class anywhere on time. But I shouldn't think it absolves me of doing my homework, should I?

Better get to it.

Ground Control to Major Tom (secret message)

A blast from my past, perhaps? Was that you I saw in my Stats list?
If so, please write.
It'd be nice to catch up.