Paralysis

Hmmm, it could be anything, but today I will call it paralysis.

It's like being enveloped in jelly, or custard, or glue. I just feel stuck in place.

This morning I broke out long enough to wash dishes, make coffee and mop the kitchen floor.

But I seem to be stuck in place again.

This crazy lack of motivation is...well, crazy.

For some reason I'm 15 years old, unable to get out of bed day after day, roused only to watch tv and shower. Then, as now, I have responsibilities (but oh, then they were really not that bad, and I knew it), which I feel are poorly handled.

Now, however, I have more tools to unstick myself, more freedom with which to move and make choices.

But inside, I am the same lost and aimless creature as I was then.

It's so strange to be her. But with the internet. And children.

I've been up since 6:30 and have yet to eat breakfast. I've been hungry since 8. Yes, if these were my only troubles, I'd be blessed. And to some extent (in the immediate sense) they are my only troubles. So maybe I'm blessed, to some extent.

Wow, this is moving around in a circle. What I want is a place, outside of this inertia and quiet, which feels as safe as this place does. It's not necessarily a nice place to be, but it feels safe as houses and I want to stay here.

Two weeks

I have a two week mood cycle, it seems. One thing I know for certain, I have insomnia every other Thursday morning; either I can't get to sleep Wednesday night or I wake up far too early Thursday morn. This morning it was the latter. I think I got up around 2:30. At least I went to bed at a decent hour last night (pretty much right after LOST at 9pm).

I feel fine, but anticipate a bit of a late night. Two weeks ago it was Writer's Group, as it is again tonight. Am I waking up early in anticipation of our meetings? Man, that would take my childhood anxiety and show it who's boss. I used to take swimming lessons when I was a kid (maybe 7? I'm really not sure, it could have been 8) and I HATED going. I was terrified of the water. I didn't mind the shallow end, actually, but we never stayed there.

Anyway, I was so incredibly anxious, I would vomit before nearly every class. Some days it would be in the changing room, once it was in the water fountain right next to the pool. Then as the weeks went on I started throwing up on the way from the bus stop to the YWCA building on the square. There were these big planters with trees in them (evergreens, I think), and I remember throwing up in one of those. I stopped eating breakfast in the morning. No help there. So after a couple weeks of that, I also stopped eating dinner the night before, so I wouldn't have anything in my stomach. That may have worked okay, or it might have been the fact that no one was going to get me in that deep end. I had "panicky drowning" written all over me.

So I still don't know how to swim.

Jeez, today has been long enough! Oh yeah, I got up at 2:30 am. I've already been up for 13 hours!!! No wonder. I've baked muffins (pumpkin chocolate chip at 8:15 am and Chocolate Donut muffins [an experiment, needed more sugar in the batter] just now.

House is quite clean (except for my latest muffin mess) and I have lots of muffins.
And a 4 o'clock appointment, for which I am not prepared.