The Autonymph

Me behind bars

2009-10-18T09:33:00.003-05:00

Not much going on around here - have become most dull person in the world. Actually, maybe not THE dullest, but you know what I mean.

Mental health is getting better, but my sedentary lifestyle has become ridiculous, so I am joining the gym on Monday to get myself out of the house and exercising. I'm only out to get into better shape, fit into my clothes and gain back some muscle mass. If I lose weight, great, if not, that's okay too.

We have a tradition, the boyfriend and I, of going to the laundromat as early as possible on Sundays. We went this morning, and as usual, I feel a sense of contentment for that job done. Unfortunately *putting away* clothing is not my strong suit, so I have this and last week's clothes to hang and put in drawers.

I made and Ethiopian dish called Doro Wat last night, which we ate with injera bread brought back from Chicago by the bf. It was delicious! So happy to have the right spices to make it.

After dinner we went out to meet a couple of his friends for drinks at a "New Orleans Style" bar/restaurant. Had a drink called a NOLA Cola and it was delish. Sort of a long island iced tea flavour. Will be returning for one of those some days.

That's it for me - I'm all out of stuff to say. Breakfast is in the making, and then, maybe, putting away the clean clothes.

Truly, I do

2009-09-17T07:34:00.002-05:00

I think about posting a lot, but can never seem to get there. Right now I'm on the tail end of a Joan Crawford jag on Netflix, and thinking about starting up with Bette Davis.

I'm reading a book called Sofie's World, which bills itself as a history of philosophy, and so far I quite like it. I haven't much patience for reading, but I'm making my way through it.

Mostly though, at least this week, I feel quiet - not much to say.

So while I truly do want to post more, the spirit isn't willing.

I lied to you

2009-09-04T16:00:00.002-05:00

I was gonna blog about each book I read this year, but my sudden aversion to blogging (and truth be told most other things which involved getting out of bed), made that a lie.

I'm alive, experimented with letting my hair go grey (which ended today when I dyed it black cherry), re-reading a fair number of books, suddenly finding myself totally addicted to cigarettes, and feeling as though I don't have much to say...

That's about it. Hopefully I'll be back soon.

There will be a post

2009-07-01T07:13:00.002-05:00

I didn't write a single entry in June!

Nor did I post any pictures of my vacation.

Oh well.

Right now I'm in the midst of watching "There Will Be Blood", which is different from what I was expecting. Different in a good way.

I can't believe June is over already. Here's to hoping that July will be a slower month to move through, and that there will be more posts.

I'm in New York!

2009-05-31T09:20:00.004-05:00

Haven't had much to talk about this past couple of months, but I'll have a little bit more to say when I get back from New York City. Brooklyn, more specifically, Bed-Stuy to be precise.

Things have been going well, with the exception of some unexpected thigh chaffing, which renders me unable to wear my beautiful sundresses, as thigh chaffing is nothing to sneeze at. At least, in this particular case.

Enough of that. Here's an incomplete list of what we've gone to see: The MoMA, Times Square, the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens... My memory is awful, because we've seen more than that - oh, we also hung around at the Brooklyn Flea and had a tasty wood fired pizza.

I finally bought (way overpriced) batteries and I took pictures of stuff. I'll show them to you when I get home.

Today it's Coney Island, which I'm excited about. I have to make sure to AVOID a sunburn, in part because my face burned a bit yesterday. I really don't need a redder nose.

That's it, a dispatch from a destination.

This is a blog, after all...

2009-05-03T14:48:00.003-05:00

Okay, where on earth have I been?

Gone, daddy, gone.

Just getting the day to day taken care of.

Trying to figure out my financial future.

Doing some volunteering to combat my hermitism.

Working on getting the mouse out of my house.

Being especially moody.

Trying and failing to re read a book I loved the first time out.

Really trying and failing to get out into the beautiful weather.

Currently watching Vincent Price as Richard III, which is just bizarre.

Yes, I am still "blogging"

2009-03-28T06:53:00.002-05:00

I just don't have much to say lately. I'm focusing on my recovery. I'm getting better as the days go by, but I'm realizing that the idea that I'll feel *good* all the time just isn't true. I've had a spate of bad days, of sleeping too much, etc.

I've also been watching tons of TV and movies via Netflix streaming.

Hope all is well.

Books read in 2009: #7 Following Foo (the electronic adventures of the Chestnut Man)

2009-03-06T13:43:00.002-06:00

I have to say that I found this book challenging to read, for a few reasons.
There were parts I had to skim, sections of the book I really didn't read, but I did hang on until the end, so I consider it "read".

Better known for his acting (on Law and order as resident Psych guy, as well as numerous theatrical and film rolls), B.D. Wong's account of the birth of his children (and the loss of one soon after birth) is at times mesmerizing and at others repetitive.

One of the reasons that I found this book difficult to read is that he includes well wishing email from so many people, it reminded me how small my circle of love and support is, and that just made me feel very sad (I don't get sad much these days, but I cried over this particular feeling).

Shoot, it's 1:30 in the morning!

2009-03-06T13:36:00.002-06:00

Comedian Wanda Sykes on sex and women faking orgasm.

Jokes.com

Wanda Sykes - Sex

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
More Funny Videos

For the record, I've NEVER faked it.

Life and other events

2009-03-02T08:52:00.002-06:00

My life is fairly boring these days. All of my "real" friends live far away, and I have a hell of a time making new friends now. Sigh.

So everyone and their mother has told me I ought to volunteer for something. Yesterday I looked up our local United Way volunteer line and sent out an email to the one thing I thought would provide me with human contact while not actually being scary or difficult. We will see how that pans out.

On February 28 I made a pact (with myself) to try something new for March. I'm not going to say what it is until I either:

abandon it
finish it

I don't want to jinx it. That's all I'm saying.

Another thing I'm looking at this month is my physical health. In many ways I am healthy. But I think I have lost some lung capacity and definitely lost muscle tone from my sedentary lifestyle.

Ugh. Oh well. I'm working on it.

Instant Happiness

2009-03-01T15:27:00.001-06:00

These adorable kids are my second cousins. Watched this video twice today and both times felt so happy afterwards.

Books read in 2009: #6 "How to be Good"

2009-02-22T20:09:00.003-06:00

I picked up "How to be Good" from the used bookstore as a lark. I'd never ready a Nick Hornby book, although I have seen at least one film based on his writing.

I enjoyed it.

Wonderland

2009-02-19T14:24:00.000-06:00

This movie made me cry. In a good way. Now I just have to *stop* crying.

The Placebo Effect?

2009-02-16T07:31:00.003-06:00

I'm starting to suspect that my new medicine, which made me feel SO fabulous when I first began taking it nearly five weeks ago, is not actually making me feel so great.

The consequences of being a shut in.

2009-02-08T08:57:00.002-06:00

Finally the error of my ways has been made clear. Visiting New York means walking, and plenty of it. I woke up this morning with tight, aching muscles. But it's far better to have sore glutes than missing the sights and sounds of the city.

I'm definitely going walking once I get back home.

Books read in 2009: #5 Coraline

2009-02-07T18:47:00.003-06:00

I had the opportunity to read Neil Gaiman's book Coraline, which is also a movie which came out this weekend.

It's nice to know the story before seeing the movie.

Coffee and nerves

2009-02-06T06:58:00.002-06:00

I'm drinking coffee because I love it, but I'm a bit anxious about my trip today. Haven't been on a plane in a while, and now they are showing what was happening behind the scenes at the Hudson River landing of a disabled plane. Hopefully the birds will be gone for my flight.

I'm super excited about seeing my friend again. I hope think we'll have fun catching up and doing some fun stuff.

I might now blog for a while when I'm gone. I'm gonna miss my fellas at home and my laptop.
And in a funny way, I'm gonna miss being able to sit around in my pjs drinking coffee. However, I think my friend B will be accommodating if I request that as an activity.

I'm gonna bring my camera, but I need to buy batteries for it. Okay, bye!

Getting out of the house

2009-02-03T11:07:00.001-06:00

Is much harder than it looks.

Who do you love?

2009-02-02T09:07:00.004-06:00

Sometimes, when I'm really down I forget who I love, and forget that they love me.
Sometimes I'm amazed that anyone feels love for me. Isn't that sad?

But I'm feeling better and my health is generally good (with the exception of the side effects I've been having), but I am having a difficult time keeping myself motivated/busy to get anything done.

And for the most part, I remember those I love who love me too.

Right now I'm going to drink more coffee.

gratitude

2009-01-30T07:01:00.002-06:00

One of the Mhs's (mental health specialist) in the hospital mall talked to me about doing a daily thing where you name 5 things you are grateful for.

I forgot to do it last night, so I'm gonna put myself back into yesterday and write those first.

I'm grateful to have had dinner with bf's friends.
I'm grateful that my son was happy when he got home from school.
I'm grateful for the set of Futurama discs I got "from Santa" (and I'm Santa).
I'm grateful for 80s music because it brings up so many memories.
I'm grateful for feeling free and dancing in my living room.

home again, home again, jiggety jig

2009-01-29T12:03:00.004-06:00

So I've been home from the hospital for nearly a week.

Some of it (being back home) is nice, some of it stresses me out.
The new meds I'm taking are great for my mood, but they really stink when it comes to the side effects I'm having. I am even taking a med that counteracts one of my other meds. And I always swore I wouldn't do that. Sigh.

The only huge problem with right now is disorientation and a stumbling/shuffling gate. I can't seem to walk properly. I'm visiting a friend in NYC next week, which is a feat in and of itself. I had wanted to go for months but didn't have the guts to fly/be in a strange place. She said something about doing a lot of walking, and I think I should tell her about this particular side effect.

Lastly, of my side effects: the dryest mouth I've ever had. It makes eating difficult. I've got a phone call out to my nurse to see what she says about that/if there is anything I can do for it. Besides drinking a boatload of water every day.

Twenty-Five things about me

2009-01-29T11:00:00.004-06:00

I was tagged a while ago by Marianne @ Kanalaon and finally I've gotten around to it, as I was tagged for a similar meme.
This list has 25 things on it.

1. I've been to Russia and Armenia.
2. Once I slapped someone in a melodramatic way, just like on TV.
3. I can pick up cigarettes, smoke, and then not smoke for months.
4. Currently don't have a favourite colour.
5. When writing words like favorite and color, I use the British U.
6. My laptop and I have an unnaturally close relationship.
7. My 13-year old is going through puberty. It's not a pretty thing.
8. I'd like to write my memoirs some day.
9. I don't have 25 internet friends to tag.
10. I fall asleep at night listening to my iPod.
11. Yesterday in the car, while listening to the radio, someone used the phrase Living My LIfe Like it's Golden, and I turned the radio off and started singing the song "Golden" by Jill Scott. That is one upbeat tune.
12. I take so many meds I had to get a pillbox to organize them all. That scares the dickens out of me.
13. Thirteen is my favourite number. At the time of writing up this list, I look forward to Friday the 13th in a couple of weeks.
14. Apparently, I am the only person in the world that gets the cheaper phone that doesn't take pictures.
15. I'd be thrilled to have a phone with a bell in it at home instead of the fake ring I've got now.
16. After my boyfriend, Netflix may be the best friend I have in town.
17. I love coffee, especially coffee from Nicaragua.
18. Still missing my old favourite coffee shop, Toad Hill.
19. Lately when I dream, I talk out loud, responding to people in the dreams. It's kind of freaky.
20. I'm clinically obese. It's not as bad as it sounds.
21. After a recent hospital stay, I'm trying to eat my meals at the same times as the hospital served them. Obviously I'm in dire need of structure in my day.
22. Because of the meds I referred to in #12, I'm not suppose to drink alcohol.
23. I miss hanging out at Mickey's Tavern. I miss it a lot.
24. Sometimes I laugh when I watch Two and a half Men. It is my secret shame.
25. I'd like to take up photography again.

HMO hell

2009-01-27T14:43:00.003-06:00

My health benefits have changed, and I've got to pick one, and when I talked to someone at the Medicaid office and she said it looked as though I was already enrolled in some weird plan which didn't even cover the county I'm in. I've called 2x and got the voice mail box and no real people. I'm terrified about being locked into something which would not work for me...

Books read in 2009: #4 "Blood Hunt"

2009-01-25T08:39:00.003-06:00

WOW, I love this book. A thriller of sorts, and a mystery on top of that, this would make a really great film. I hope it gets made. That would be awesome.

It is written by Ian Rankin, known for his books about Inspector Rebus (which have been made into a collection of films broadcast on television). It's different to the Rebus stories, and I liked that.

Highly recommended.

Books read in 2009: #3 "Bandits"

2009-01-25T08:36:00.006-06:00

This was a good story. It involved Nicaraguan politics, a former nun, and lepers on the side. Solid, fun, a good read (If you like Elmore Leonard).

Books read in 2009: #2 "Mr. Paradise"

2009-01-25T08:34:00.003-06:00

This was a fun Elmore Leonard book. It was strait forward Leonard outing. Guns, girls, racists.

Living La Vida Loca

2009-01-21T14:03:00.002-06:00

Huh. I got my release date set, and I'm glad to know I'll be getting out of here soon, BUT, I realize that my life has got to change. I can't do the same things (or in my case not do the same things) which I've been (not) doing.

I've got new medicines which ought to help me feel better, although I'm suspect at the enthusiasm of my clinicians.

We shall see...

Isn't it Ironic

2009-01-18T12:05:00.001-06:00

Being hospitalized for depression is actually kind of depressing.

And for some reason, it wreaks havoc on my digestive system (holds aching belly). Or is that just the hospital food?

as the song says...

2009-01-16T09:38:00.001-06:00

I feel so lonesome, I could die.

Pulling a Brittney

2009-01-15T10:32:00.002-06:00

Remember when Brittney Spears impulsively shaved her head? This morning I had an irresistible urge to cut my hair, so I started by hacking off my ponytail and ended with the clippers. It's not a work of art yet, I need to clean it up a bit, but I feel satisfied. As far as crazy impulses go, it was a rather harmless one.

Baby it's cold outside

2009-01-14T11:48:00.003-06:00

Well, it's coldish NOW, but just wait until tonight. -20 F, with windchills down to -40 F.
Same windchills expected for Thursday, which means there will be no school tomorrow! Already trying to figure out what the boy and I will do tomorrow. A Futurama marathon perhaps? Drawing, maybe? Staying in is definitely on the list.

Edit: Just realized the SAME weather is forecast for Friday as well! What will we do? Luckily my dad is coming over to take us out to run errands, so I can get some milk and something for tomorrow's supper.

hahahahaha

2009-01-13T08:10:00.003-06:00

Via Medium Large, which is a great comic blog.

And I don't care who knows it.

2009-01-09T11:34:00.002-06:00

Two movies I'm really looking forward to in 2009 are:

Star Trek

and

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Films that makes me angry when they could as easily have avoided it.

2009-01-09T10:17:00.003-06:00

So, I'm watching "Ghost Town", a Ricky Gervais film, and it's rather light and funny and I'm enjoying it.

And then Gervais' character makes some jokes about "The Chinese" and I feel a sour turn in my stomach.

Then things go along swimmingly for a while.

And then the same character goes to his Indian co-worker and asks him, since he's from a "scary country", how to interrogate someone.

WTH? I know we are supposed to be laughing at the character in the second example, but in the first we are supposed to be laughing with him.

So I've decided to keep enjoying it, but I'm angry too, in a resigned sort of way. Sigh.

A rare occurance

2009-01-07T12:49:00.002-06:00

It's very rare that I just stop watching a movie - usually I try to finish it, unless it's just awful.

Last night I made an attempt to watch The Lady in the Water, and hated it so much that I turned it off 20 minutes in.

I'm still mad that I lost that 20 minutes. I'm even angrier than when I saw Austin Powers 2. At least I kind of felt entertained (although gaudily) by that one, even though it was stupid.

I'm not sure I would be able to articulate what I hated about it. I just hated it.

Books read in 2009: #1 "The Maltese Falcon"

2009-01-04T16:40:00.005-06:00

Read my first Dashiell Hammet novel this weekend. "The Maltese Falcon". It was a fun read. There were times when sentences were so packed with era-specific slang I couldn't really follow, but for the most part, I kept up.

The Boyfriend and I just finished watching Ang Lee's Lust, Caution, which is intense and pretty amazing. I think I recommend it. I'm not sure, though.

After both the book and the film, I want to be wearing red lipstick and smoking like a chimney.

Out of the mouths of babes

2009-01-03T09:39:00.002-06:00

This is a difficult story to tell, but I want to remember it.

On Christmas Eve morning, after making breakfast and opening gifts, I went into my room, got into bed, and cried. I cried and cried and felt as though I'd never stop.

Over the next week I spent a lot of time being sad crying, and close quarters with my youngest meant he saw me cry a couple of times.

New Year's Eve my car door latch had frozen and when I discovered that I couldn't close my door, I lost it. Everything felt so hopeless and I just couldn't stand it. My boyfriend fixed my door, I dried my tears and went on with my day, but before that happened my son said to me, "maybe you need to go back to the hospital...they took good care of you there, and you felt better." I had been thinking about going back to the hospital the day before. Eerie.

New Year's night the boy had a hard time going to sleep, and he finally burst into tears, loudly, an hour after he was supposed to be asleep. He told me he was worried that I would die of depression. "And if you died of depression, I would die of depression."

That boy can break my heart with just a few words. He's very in touch with his feelings.

I feel badly for him, because he feels a responsibility towards me that no child should feel toward their parent. I feel badly for him because my disease makes his life harder.

I don't know how to end this story, but I wanted to tell it, as much as I could.

New Low

2008-12-29T12:07:00.003-06:00

With moodswings like mine it's inevitable that I'll experience a different mood from one day to the next. Unfortunately during the Christmas holiday my mood took a turn for the worse and I'm feeling really poorly.

I really wish I had something else to report, or a movie review (I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and have some things to say about it), but for now all I can say is that I'm teary and unmotivated and wish I could just sleep and sleep and sleep until... well, forever.

Sigh.

The idea is to hold on during bleak times like these to be surprised one day that I feel a little better, but all I can see are more and more days like this one. So I will apply more coffee and Stephen Fry reading the Harry Potter books to my beleaguered brain and hope something changes for the better.

The Wierdest Dream in a long time

2008-12-11T03:38:00.002-06:00

It was the cover for a videocassette for a movie about a girl's school, "The school for Mad Girls".

The school was run by a rag tag bunch of clowns featuring Carol Burnett, Annie Potts and John Malcovich. They all had headfulls of curly hair and wore not-quite-full white face paint.

Post dream I imagine the school is actually called Mrs. Combsbury's School for Girls.
Bernadette Peters would have a role, and there would be a teapot shaped little boy who was there inexplicably, for comic relief.

If I could photoshop or draw, I'd provide a picture to go along with this dream. It was good enough to get up for at 3:45 and write about.

The Six Hundred and First

2008-12-10T12:41:00.003-06:00

This is my 601st post on this blog!

It's been so long since I've posted, and I can't recall what I actually posted about.

Today I am home sick with a cold, just now having dragged myself into the shower and next to a cup of coffee.

I've inherited the Monk bug from my oldest and my mother/grandmother. I'm nearly done with the first season, having watched the second and third already.

Ummmm, I'm having trouble with holiday shopping, although I already got the bf and the boys most of their things.

I'm going to have a chicken salad sandwich now.

Happy Wednesday.

And now, the rest of life

2008-11-05T09:41:00.004-06:00

Since this blog has been primarily about election stuff for the past couple of months (that and my mental health), I wonder now what I'll be writing about. I'm just about getting post election mental fatigue. I'm a little sick of hearing that having a black prez means America is "redeemed" for slavery (actually heard a guy say that on tv today), or that this is a "post-racial" election.

That's really stretching it. But I'm excited. Funnily, I see Barack Obama as mixed race, not black. And that's me seeing it through the lens of, "I'm mixed race, so he is too." He is obviously very much a symbol for a lot of people, of all colours. Watching the faces of people in Grant Park last night was pretty amazing, and this morning a (white) news anchor on CBS was tearing up after talking to Maya Angelou. It's a little weird.

But good weird.

Off to a medical appt.

Yes. We. Did.

2008-11-04T23:16:00.000-06:00

Whew.

What's up with the election, google-style

2008-11-04T11:40:00.000-06:00

Can't change my mind!

2008-11-03T12:59:00.000-06:00

Vote

2008-11-03T10:40:00.002-06:00

Yet another YouTube about voting. It's a bit charming though. I'm excited that I already voted. And I really can't wait for the election to be over!

"Redneck Support for Obama"

2008-11-02T10:03:00.001-06:00

Great video from the BBC. Stuff like this makes me feel really good - gives me hope.

Barack Obama is AWESOME

2008-10-29T12:15:00.003-05:00

Seriously, look at this picture:

Doug Mills/The New York Times

That guy is awesome.

Tonight I'm gonna watch the Obamamercial, and while that sort of stuff is usually hard to swallow whole (I'm still not sold on the whole politics thing, I'll be honest), you *know* it's gonna be a well produced 30 minutes of politics. A couple of things I watched during the Democratic convention choked me right up, and I imagine a little of that will happen tonight. A friend of mine said he thought there would be a backlash against Obama because of it, but I don't think it will happen. People who have already decided to vote for him aren't going to suddenly not, and undecided voters* will or will not be swayed by seeing this thing. In any case, I think his committed base will be energized by it. That's my guess. And that can't be bad for his campaign.

*What the hell is wrong with people that they are undecided at this point in the game? There are a lot of theories floating around in my head, none of which pass the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything" test.

My oldest turns 13 next week and he totally loves Obama. He is reading his autobiography right now. I got him a book of photos of Obama for his birthday. What do you get teenagers anyhow?

UPDATE: Here is the Obamamercial on YouTube. I really, really liked it.
Barack Obama is awesome!!! And yes, I'm his base, but still. Nice piece of work.

I'm angry

2008-10-26T19:44:00.002-05:00

So my therapist suggested to me that I get angry about my bipolar disorder. Not angry at myself for having it and all the struggles that come with it, but angry at IT.

This has been an interesting few days experiment. I'm not so good at being angry at an amorphous IT. It's way more familiar to be angry at myself.

In any case, I'm pissed off, and it isn't pretty.

Here I am!

2008-10-17T13:16:00.002-05:00

Wow, I've been gone for a while, haven't I?

So where have I been?

For a week I was in the hospital being treated for my huge ginormous depression (which was just about strangling me to death). I've been home for a week and a half, and am just getting used to things and trying to take it easy while I regroup.

That's about it.

It's autumn here, which means I need to get out my warmer jacket, and maybe take my camera out for some fall colour shots.

I watched The Elephant Man today. Hadn't seen that since it came out in 1980. Used to see a lot of films in the theater. These days there are few films I really want to take my kids to.

That is all for now. See ya later!

Hooray!!

2008-09-23T10:19:00.003-05:00

I finally canceled the DSL today! Hooray!
Also started a gentle exercise program. Baby stepping it until I feel strong.

Past 6 days I've had a cold, and it is holding on tight. My lungs are miserable. I'm still a snot machine. It's a LOT of fun.

Had a bad day yesterday and feel like hiding out today, but I really ought to get out and get something done.

Right? Or is staying home okay?

Wow. Just - wow.

2008-09-16T13:27:00.004-05:00

So I just got some news, news I've been waiting for literally for months, and it's GOOD.

GOOD NEWS CAME.

It means I have space and time to work on getting my head and my life together, won't be worried about every little penny (although money is still tight), and have something close to validation regarding the impact of my mental health on my day to day living.

When the dust settles and I see what this means for me, I will likely write some more about my circumstances and how I see them, personally and politically.

The one-day-at-a-time plan

2008-09-16T10:20:00.002-05:00

There are times when thinking a week out is just too hard for me. It feels like the world is caving in on me and I can't stand it. That's when I go to my one-day-at-a-time plan, and try to stop myself from worrying about tomorrow. It is what lays right in front of me that I will deal with. Today.

This is WAY WAY harder than it looks, because nothing is one day at a time. It's all about the future, and planning, and getting things done so other things can happen.

Today. Now. This is my list of one day things:

Take shower.
Brush Teeth.
Dress.
Return movie to video store.
Buy a few gallons of gas (literally, 3 or so).
Make lunch for my son and his playdate.
"watch" them while they play videogames and such.
Finish watching my current disc of "The Wire".

Things I might do, but don't have to:

Take a nap.
Put away clean clothes.
Organize dirty stuff.
Go to laundromat.
Wash dishes.
Clean dining room.

Once The Man comes home from work, I expect I'll interact with him. He's cooking dinner tonight (yay!), so I'm off the hook there. Good for us all, I say.

The night of a thousand dreams (about tea)

2008-09-08T04:49:00.002-05:00

Actually, I think there was only one, long dream of tea, but it was enough. I'm up at least 2 hours earlier than I'd planned to be, and if it weren't for bf's need for another hour of sleep, I'd be banging around getting laundry ready and taking a shower, etc.

As it is, I've got a cup of ginger tea by my side (this fabulous Thai stuff, which is really a mixture of granulated ginger and sugar, sure to cure what ails me).

I did dream of tea, though. This after drinking two large mugs of it last night (one earl grey, one raspberry). The weather is turning cooler, and I've been fighting an odd combination of allergy/cold symptoms for a week or so.

So tea is nice.

Now it's back to The Wire, my ginger tea (I think I'll follow it up with some more earl grey), and waiting for my antihistamine drug to kick in an stop this sneezing!

On what Sarah Palin actually stands for...

2008-09-03T09:34:00.004-05:00

There is much that has been said about the VP pick on the Republican side of the aisle, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. I personally see the pick as a transparent and desperate bid to appeal to women who are on the fence about voting for Obama, as well as a ploy to change just what the election is about.

The scary thing is that Sarah Palin's nomination is roughly equivalent to Clarence Thomas' nomination to the Supreme Court. Her lack of experience and her odd political background (as well as ultra conservative stance on abortion) is obscured by the uniqueness of her as a choice.

Anyhow. We all know that her underage daughter is pregnant out of wedlock (but she'll be married, soon, which will make it ALL BETTER). But what we did not know is that Gov. Palin cut money which funded a state wide program in Alaska which helps teenage mothers get their feet on the ground.

According to the Washtington Post,

... earlier this year [Palin] used her line-item veto to slash funding for a state program benefiting teen mothers in need of a place to live.

After the legislature passed a spending bill in April, Palin went through the measure reducing and eliminating funds for programs she opposed. Inking her initials on the legislation -- "SP" -- Palin reduced funding for Covenant House Alaska by more than 20 percent, cutting funds from $5 million to $3.9 million. Covenant House is a mix of programs and shelters for troubled youths, including Passage House, which is a transitional home for teenage mothers.

According to Passage House's web site, its purpose is to provide "young mothers a place to live with their babies for up to eighteen months while they gain the necessary skills and resources to change their lives" and help teen moms "become productive, successful, independent adults who create and provide a stable environment for themselves and their families."

Here's a picture of the actual bill, with Palin's initialed changes.

This kind of funding cut shows a lack of "family values", in my opinion. Not every teenage girl has the kind of family Bristol Palin has, one which will no doubt take care of her and her child for many years to come. If people want to force all women to carry unplanned/unwanted pregnancies to term, those same people are duty bound to provide funding and secular assistance to those same women, no matter what their age.

In a way I'm sick to death of reading about Palin, but in another way, I'm deer-in-the-headlights fascinated to see just how deep the depths of her story go.

This woman is so unfit to be in the position of Vice President, it's not even funny.

I gotta admit

2008-08-27T21:36:00.003-05:00

This whole Joe Biden thing is getting better and better. His son's introduction speech and now his speech accepting the nomination for vice-president have been really really touching.

I was not a big fan of the Biden nomination, but I saw the utility. Now that I hear him speak, I see the wisdom of his selection. "He's not a bad guy" is what I keep thinking. He actually seems decent.

Yep, I've drunk the kool aid.

But I actually feel better.

Also, did you see Michelle Obama crying after his son's speech? Priceless, I tell you.

I'm getting excited about the election all over again.

Yes, we can.

It will be imperfect (hey, it's politics!), but it will be better than what we have now.

What's new, Pussycat?

2008-08-27T20:51:00.001-05:00

So suddenly (as of Saturday) I'm going to school this semester.

But only for 4 credits, one class.

Intermediate algebra.

We hope I get a C, that's my goal.

Wish me luck.

LL

100 most common words in English

2008-08-27T20:49:00.001-05:00

This is a fun test. So far, after two tries, I've gotten 36 out of the hundred.

This is Wednesday

2008-08-20T11:02:00.002-05:00

Wake up.
Stagger to couch.
Sneeze.
Sneeze.
Sneeze. (repeat 12x)
Blow nose.
Sneeze.
Begin watching the last episode of "Twin Peaks".
Welcome boy home from father's.
Eat breakfast.
Play "The Simpson's Game" and Wii Bowling with boy.
Pack up dirty clothing and schlep to laundromat.
Walk to coffee shop and grab a coffee while things dry.
Fold all laundry and come home.
Unpack clean laundry.
Sit on couch, looking at internet.
Watch boy unpack school supplies, feel slightly envious of his joy.
Blog about day so far.

To do:
Take shower.
Get haircut (fun fact: last haircut was mid-December of 2006).
Eat lunch.
Make bed.
Finish watching series finale of "Twin Peaks".
????

It's a big world out there. What will I do?

Guess what, blogosphere?

2008-08-19T14:01:00.001-05:00

I'm a sorry excuse for a blogger these days.

Meet my new best friend

2008-08-14T17:54:00.004-05:00

Ah, what would a blog be without TOO MUCH INFORMATION?

I've decided, just now, sipping on a rye & soda, that booze is my new best friend.

It's not the best of friends, it easily lets me down, drives a wedge between me and my other loved ones, and unlike the best things in life, is not free.

But when I'm at my wit's end and I can't see how to make one more effort or work through one more day, it's there to numb the pain and help me out.

Wow.

That was TOTALLY too much information.

Let's see how long this post stays up.

Bring on the divination

2008-08-14T07:28:00.002-05:00

As regular readers know, I'm a fan of my horoscope. I don't let the "stars" guide me, but I do like to use the horoscope as a jumping off point for thinking about my life.
Same for the daily "lover's tarot" email I get in my inbox each morning.

Today, it really mirrored what has been going on with me lately, so I thought I'd share:

The Ten of Chalices card suggests that you should celebrate the completion of a journey, transformation or commitment. It's time to back up the ones you love while giving them roots and wings. You can expect the collective sensation of having finally made it as one big happy family. Perhaps the most important lesson to be gleaned from this sense of fulfillment is to simply enjoy being in the moment.

Honor and recognize your inner child through spontaneous and passionate expressions. You know that home, happiness and family are where the heart is. This sense of pride and joy may come from a focus on common values, a romantic desire sated or a dream achieved. Either way, you have an opportunity to share the love, express gratitude, expand your relationship and appreciate the stormy road that might have led to this renewal and wholeness.

Moving in with the boyfriend has been a long and sometimes arduous process, but I feel the beginnings of settling in and being a good family unit (that last part is really difficult for me, as my family of origin was good at picking fights and being unhappy with one another. I want to avoid that).

Right now I'm drinking my coffee and watching Twin Peaks (halfway through the first season). I've got some chicken poaching in wine and spices, and I'm making a chicken salad later on today with said bird.

Later today the "cable man" is expected to come and hook up our super high speed internet, which means I can cancel my DSL (although, honestly, I'm not sure I want to, with the outages Charter has been having 'round these parts as of late).

Back to coffee and a few more blissful, child-free minutes of morning solitude.

Update for Mid-August

2008-08-12T10:58:00.004-05:00

We are officially all moved in and very nearly unpacked. The bathroom is still all kinds of disaster. To top off the other problems, the shower faucet knob broke, so we have to turn the water on and off with a pair of pliers. Classy.

BUT, the kitchen is in cooking order. Last night BF made curry and this morning I'm baking up a Boston Cream Pie, and might attempt some bread later. It's cooled off enough that the oven doesn't heat up the kitchen too much.

Right now the boy and I are waiting on the sofa and loveseat, they should be here within the hour.

Next up in the kitchen is the pastry cream for the pie.

Later on I plan on curling up on the sofa with a glass of riesling.

And when I have some time to myself, I'm going to do some reading. This 'Women of Colour and Beauty Carnival' should produce some really good reads.

UPDATE: ZOMG, the pastry cream turned out so delicious. Why don't I make that stuff more often? Srsly, really, really good.

Moving on up...

2008-08-04T13:36:00.002-05:00

Still moving. Well, moved in, but not unpacked.
Dogsitting for most of this week, so moving back and forth between two (thankfully close) places, one which is FULL OF BOXES and kind of makes me cry to think about.

I've moved twice in the past 12 months. I want to stay in our place for at least two years, just because I can't deal with another move (unless, of course, we win the lottery and buy a new place and then I will just PAY someone to pack all of my stuff for me), and because our new location is frankly awesome.

But until we get all settled, curtains up and filthy kitchen floor warshed, I'm going to feel just a bit on edge.

Unfortunately after the major excitement of moving passed, I found myself in what feels like...the best way I can describe it is "brittleness". I get this reaction to stress which leaves me completely defenseless against sadness. I've been crying constantly most of today, and was in tears for a good part of yesterday (even while driving, which is never a good sign).

I'm really looking forward to getting settled and feeling more settled.

I understand that it will happen. I just wish I knew when, so I could look forward to that day

Can't talk, moving

2008-07-22T12:46:00.001-05:00

I'll be away in my little corner of crazytown for the next 10 days or so, packing up my stuff, etc. See you when I see you!

The hardest job I'll ever (but not right now, quite frankly) love

2008-07-18T12:31:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I loathe being a mother.

Yep, I said it.

Sometimes I hate being a parent.

Today is one of those very challenging parenting days, where I feel like I'm pulled so thin I am going to SNAP at any moment.

The two hour solid temper tantrum was really enough, thank you.

I was feeling really excited about today (getting packing supplies, etc.) but now all I want to do is scream.

Sigh.

This too shall pass...

...I'm holding my hand out to you...

2008-07-13T22:53:00.002-05:00

...and you're walking away...

From Joan Jett's latest album, "Sinner".

I had the pleasure of seeing Joan Jett and the Blackhearts play at the Beloit Riverfest this past Saturday.

They were so fantastic. Joan Jett is amazing, sexy, and can rock like no one's business.

I immediately needed to buy her album (downloaded from her website) this morning, and I've been listening to it constantly whenever I can.

Aside from one dud ballad ("baby blue", which I just can't get into), the album is fantastic.

One of my favourites is "Bad Time" (this post gets it's title from that song), but the album has more than one gem on it.

Highly rec'd.

You can sample the album at her website.

picture post - construction

2008-07-07T08:57:00.002-05:00

This is construction on the UW Madison campus. Took these on the way to the Chazen museum last week. They are building an addition to the museum here.

Hmmmmm

2008-06-29T15:40:00.002-05:00

What on earth has been happening with me lately?

Not much.

Today has been a sweet, slow day. Spent with my honey having fun, grocery shopping, and laughing.

We went to a friend's house last night for a little cookout and then went to a nearby park to watch the big fireworks display put on each year (but rarely if ever on the 4th of July). I had fun watching fireworks for the first time in years. I'm a bit tetchy, if truth be told, and all of those big booms usually scare the heck out of me. But last night, perhaps eased by the many bottles of delicious New Glarus lager I was drinking, I just marveled at the beauty of the fireworks, and the fun of being surrounded by other people watching them.

Now I'm sitting at my boyfriend's place, listening to the sounds of him cooking dinner (I get to make the brandy flan later) and enjoying a bit of quiet time.

There is so much going on in the world, I don't even know where to start, if I wanted to talk about things. But you know what? I don't want to talk about what's going on in the world. I want to be in my corner of it and just be. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.

ZOMG, Delicious!

2008-06-20T09:46:00.003-05:00

The Boy and I just finished up a marvelous (if I do say so myself) breakfast of veggie omelet and roasted red and sweet potatoes.

The two best things about it?

1) The Veggies and Taters were leftovers, so no chopping was involved.
2) It was the boy's first proper omelet experience, and he really liked it!

Fat Rant 3: Joy Nash outdoes herself

2008-06-20T06:18:00.002-05:00

Another great "rant" from Joy Nash. It is so thoughtful and well done!

I realized after watching it that I am somewhat apologetic about liking how I look at any given moment, but I ought not be.

What a Beautiful Day

2008-06-18T16:59:00.002-05:00

Although it started out with my very-annoying-to-some-people two-hour nap, the day has been a good one. The weather, after so many days of humidity and rain, is perfect: sunny, breezy, warm but dry. Our (the boy and I) spirits are high and we had a great picnic on the lawn of the State Capitol, then we went inside and looked around for awhile.

After we'd had our fill (the Wisconsin Supreme Court Room [gallery, chamber?] is awesome, but tiny), we moved on to the Veteran's Museum. Seeing as I am pretty much a pacifist and not a history/strategy buff, I know I didn't appreciate the museum as much as the bf would have, but I was fascinated by what was shown, and by the detail of the descriptions for items and battles. It's a place made for someone with a longer attention span than either I or the boy had with us today. But a good place to finally check out.

We hung out downtown for another hour or so and got Italian sodas and walked until I tuckered him out.

It's still a beautiful day and I just finished loading the dishwasher after the two of us cleaned up the living room and I mopped. The boy's room is a disaster, and we need to get in there and really clean it, but that's for another day.

Today we are just recovering from our fine day out and preparing for a nice evening together. Yay us! We are surviving the first week of summer break. Not just surviving, but doing rather well for ourselves.

I will write about our bowling adventures later on!

The 7 Deadly Glasses

2008-06-13T18:41:00.002-05:00

Since my birthday on Sunday, I've been forced to abstain from alcohol. I hadn't realized how much I'd been enjoying sweet, sweet liquor until I was separated from it!

Saw these amazing glasses today and thought I needed to share. They are the work of an British artist and represent the seven deadly sins.

Definitely worth a click.

Oh, that's much better

2008-06-10T10:39:00.003-05:00

Had an incredibly rough weekend this past, despite lots of love and gifts from fam and the bf (and plenty of tasty drinks at my favourite watering hole on my birthday).

The sun has come out today (although storms threaten for this afternoon and evening), and I've just spent an hour sitting in the warm, wonderful weather.

Lovely!

Stuff Mixed People Like!!

2008-06-08T11:43:00.001-05:00

Finally, a site for me!

(although I'm actually not a fan of #2, in particular, it's okay, but doesn't *get* me)

I've got nothing to say but it's okay

2008-06-07T07:36:00.000-05:00

Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning-uh!

Me and my boys

2008-06-06T20:25:00.001-05:00

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

Still Fat, but relatively fit

2008-06-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

Hooray for me! I had my annual exam yesterday and my weight is nice and steady, but higher than it was, say, a year ago. I'm fine with it, or making peace with it at the least. It's just a number (much like age).

Anyhow, there was a tiny problem with one of my tests, so my clinician called me and gave me a few numbers over the phone, one of them being my blood sugar (80) and the other that my thyroid was just right. She didn't check my cholesterol because my numbers from last year were excellent (both kinds), and my blood pressure is the lowest it's ever been in my adult life.

Seriously, I'm in good shape, as far as blood work and blood pressure. I love having numbers like these to keep me grounded - because everywhere you turn people are telling you that you cannot have both body fat and good numbers. My BMI might be over 25, but there is no indication that my weight is adversely effecting my health.

One part of my weight gain is a new medication I'm taking to help stabilize my mood. I've not gained a lot, but some, and I feel like it's a trade off that is totally worth making (A great blog post on this very subject is here). Some psychiatric drugs really adversely effect people causing massive weight gain and blood sugar problems in a short amount of time. Because of the problems with these drugs (which really should be either taken off the market or heavily restricted), I went for an older less trendy drug, and it seems to be doing a great job without too many side effects.

I'm happy with that.

Wednesday Links

2008-06-04T11:09:00.004-05:00

Many interesting articles on teh internets today. I'm in no shape to comment on any of them, but I want to share.

First, three posts relating to three speeches from last evening:

Baratunde Thurston's Analysis of McCain, Clinton and Obama speeches.

The Talent Show on Clinton's speech.

From the Jon Swift blog, a great look at McCain's speech.

Next, some opinion pieces about other aspects of the presidential race:

Juan Cole with different take on Barack Obama's role as a "first" president.

From Hyphen Magazine, an article about Geraldine Ferraro's continuing remarks on sex and race (and how she's really working some odd angles).

Tami on the treatment of Michelle Obama in the media, via Racialicious.

Blogging for LGBT Families Day

2008-06-02T07:23:00.000-05:00

I found out about Blogging for LGBT Families Day via Pam's House Blend, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to mark the day.

My personal experience with LGBT families is pretty varied. One of my best friend's during middle school lived with her mom and her mom's female partner, and while it was different, it was never more an issue than any other family circumstance. I love that I grew up that way, and I hope I am raising/have raised my sons to be aware of the differences in families, and simply see them as such.

Currently, my youngest's best friend has two moms, and just yesterday we stopped by the PFLAG table and the Farmer's Market and picked up rainbow flag pins. He had the choice of a sticker or something else, but he wanted to wear the pin. I asked him if he knew what it meant, and he didn't, so we talked about it, and he thought it was a great idea, showing our solidarity with our gay friends.

Because of how I grew up, I am sometimes hesitant to make big overtures of solidarity. I remember feeling uncomfortable when people made them toward me as a POC, but I get that this is different. I'm not falling all over myself to prove a point, I'm just signaling that I am an ally.

Anyhow, I have to say that I am really most disappointed that the referendum to "ban gay marriage" (which was not what it was called but what it effectively does) passed in Wisconsin. It was very sad and frustrating. And that disappointment has to do with two things: bigotry and a lack of fairness.

I hate that people are so quick to work to stop other people from sharing in the benefits of marriage. It also angers me that my friends have to have multiple legal documents to be secure (in case of medical emergency, etc.) and are forced to "legitimize" their family in a way that I have never had to do.

I think there should be equity in rights afforded to people through marriage, whether or not that means disabling the currently held rights of the already married (WILL NEVER HAPPEN) or abling those not currently eligible to marry to also have those rights (much more positive and hopefully a likely step).

I'm not very eloquent on this subject, it is difficult to talk about without resorting to just asking what the hell is wrong with society.

Sigh

2008-05-31T07:28:00.000-05:00

The past couple of days have been a big sigh.

Sigh.

Nothing terrible has happened. On the contrary, some nice things have happened. But I feel oddly numb about them. Just sort of...

Sigh.

I'm tempted at times like these (and temptation is all I will admit to here) to start fiddling with my meds, upping the anti-depressants or otherwise adding or subtracting things.

But usually when I do I am reprimanded by my meds nurse for messing around with things.

So instead, I put it in my calendar: Call T, ask him about moods and meds. Call the clinic and see when my next appt is with my main meds nurse. Take good care of self.

The boy and I are going to the big Farmer's Market with my father this morning, a plan hatched by me while half asleep between last night's nap and actually going to bed.

It should be nice, hopefully not too crowded. I need to dress and feed the boy his breakfast now.

All is well, all is well. [repeat as necessary]

RIP Sydney Pollack

2008-05-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

Director/Actor Sydney Pollack died yesterday, and I feel actually a bit sad reading about this.

He is one of those actors who is just in my subconscious, I *know* him, and seeing his face or seeing him on film is oddly comforting to me, always has been. His voice, his mannerisms, just make me feel good. I don't know exactly how it is, but it feels like a loss to me.

On comfort

2008-05-25T07:52:00.000-05:00

The metaphor of myself as a colicky baby just isn't coming out right.

I want to say this: It is good to feel comfort. It is good to be able to feel comfort, feel comforted.

Sitting here in the lovely silence of Sunday morning, smelling the amazing, green smell of spring, I think: about how wonderful it was to have bf's arms around me as I fell asleep last night, how much I love to hug the little one at bedtime, how my oldest laughs when he's truly tickled by something.

I'm imagining my breakfast this morning, and how good it will taste. I'm thinking about how calm I feel right now. Physically and psychically mellow. Pain free.

When my mood is very bad (and I am trying to find one word which will describe it more clearly, but cannot), I do not feel pleasure in the same way. I am indefinably uncomfortable. I sleep fitfully, or too much, or not at all. My mind is dull, or races with an overabundance of energy. My body aches, and I'm easily fatigued.

When my mood is good, as with today, I feel so...at peace. And that is amazing to feel.

Save the date: May 14-16, 2010

2008-05-23T13:07:00.000-05:00

That's commencement weekend, the weekend I plan to graduate from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, a few weeks shy of my 40th birthday.

No, I haven't gotten my official acceptance letter yet, but I have talked to a great resource of mine at the UW and feel really excited, more than ever, about this journey.

"What else could a woman possibly need?"

2008-05-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

Yogurt does it ALL.

On Hope

2008-05-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

Somedays hope is expressed through mere routine: I wake, I rise, I bathe, I dress.

Some days hope is expressed in more nuanced ways: I dream, I plan, I pursue.

Today I started looking through the UW website for information on requirements for different majors, and how I might create an individual major for myself. Interestingly, my interests fall into three majors: Anthropology, Communication Arts and Journalism/Mass Media. I don't know how I might juggle all of these disciplines and my natural sciences in 50 or so credits.

I also started looking at the McBurney Disability center and how to get a disability consideration, what documents are needed, etc. If I am accepted for the fall I will have a LOT of work to do to get the classes I need/want and to get myself into the proper advising. Plus looking for spring grants and monies to take summer courses.

And I followed up with the person who is reviewing my information for my SSD case, she said she's gotten everything but the major information from my hospitalization, which apparently is handled by a third-party vendor, so there isn't much I can do to speed it up. I should have a yea or nay on that by July, I guess. If it is a nay, I am going to appeal it. If otherwise, I will have one less thing to worry about.

Speaking of worry, there is always the possibility that I do not have all of the correct requirements to get into the UW this fall. If that is the case, I'm covered, having already enrolled in fall courses at MATC. I figure better safe than sorry.

That, too, is hopeful, even though it might not seem so. In any case I will be where I need to be in order to get what I need to get for what WILL be MY DEGREE. I know, despite occasional discouragement, that I can do this.

And I know that even when it seems like no big thing to other people, this process of going to school is difficult for me, is perhaps harder for me than for others. I was always used to being able to do well and not have to work "too hard", but in the past year or so have become more cognitively challenged, and it's become quite difficult to get my academic goals met.

That's been really hard.

But, I hope, and I work, and I plan. And I see myself walking that stage, with my kids and my partner there to cheer me on. And that helps me steel myself, keep my resolve, and move forward.

Not out of the woods

2008-05-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling incredibly sad today. I couldn't sleep last night, so I know it's partly lack of sleep (it decreases my emotional resilience to miss as much sleep as I did last night).

But it's also a slap in the face for me since I've been feeling SO MUCH BETTER the past several weeks. I know I won't always feel as lousy as I do today, but I'd really, really, really like to be feeling better.

What makes it worse this week is that I'm having trouble reaching out - I hate to admit that I still need so much from people. Right now I'm following the HALT plan. I'm asking myself if I am: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I was/am hungry, so I'm going to eat a bit more, and then I'm going to take a nap, because I am definitely tired.

And when I wake up, I'll do my best to work on Lonely (that's the toughest one for me).

One step at a time, one moment at a time.

A Lava lady

2008-05-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

LavaLady by ~sketchcity on deviant ART

Existential Morning

2008-05-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

This morning every question turned into an existential discussion.
What am I doing [this morning]? became What am I doing [with my life]? pretty quickly.

I did not find a lot of answers, but I did find that I am in the space of having a great number of fears to wrest with and anxieties to identify and quell.

Life is beautiful. It feels good to be alive.

But it scares the hell out of me.

How do you all do it every day?

Depression, if nothing else, insulates you from life. Usually a negative, that removal, but as I examined "where I am" this morning, I realized that it also was a comfort to me, being so removed. Sometimes I find myself at loose ends now that I am face to face with life.

This afternoon will be practical, I think. Focusing on the tangible feels like a good move to make after a morning spent with my thoughts.

Sigh...

2008-05-12T19:22:00.000-05:00

I'll admit this to you now, but don't throw it back in my face.

I like my hypomania.

Before I knew anything about the Bipolar II diagnosis I've ended up with, I learned to love these periods of energy I'd get. My mind buzzed with ideas, I made lots of friends and was incredibly social instead of shy, and I'd feel sexy and vibrant.

Now that I know that these sudden bursts of energy and enthusiasm are likely to be fleeting, and followed by a crash, I can't enjoy them as much. Now that I have children, and a partner, I can't just run off and follow my whims as much as I'd like to during my manic phases (although honestly, I have a lot of time in which to schedule whim, if that's what I want).

But as mixed as my feelings on mania are, I much prefer 120-miles-per-hour me to this me; diminished, suddenly shy, self-hating, and definitely no longer sexy or vibrant.

All I want to do right now is HIDE. I don't want to talk to or see anyone. And yet, my Mr. Hyde made plans that my Dr. Jekyll must keep, so I have to gear myself up for social plans which I know I'll enjoy, just not as much as I would have a week ago.

This me suddenly starts crying for no reason, this me feels ugly and stupid, this me is a very impatient driver. I want happy fun time girl back. I'll take her, and her 4 hours a night sleep, and her bad money management, if it means that melancholy, teary me goes back into hiding for a little longer.

I admit it.

True story on Mother's Day

2008-05-11T13:50:00.001-05:00

My boys are busy making their grandmother a card (nice going, as she's coming over really soon), and I'm just about to serve the quiche I made for our brunch.

I really don't have much, just the quiche (spinach straight from this morning's farmer's market), some fresh hot house tomatoes (also from the farmer's market), and bacon. Plus sweet chai for the lot of us.

The plan up until about 10:45 today was for us to walk down the street and get brunch. I didn't want to worry about dishes and things. However, I decided I'd much rather have the relaxed atmosphere of home (read as: I didn't feel like getting dressed, seeing people, or paying for brunch for 4), and the quiche idea was born.

Anyway, an hour or so later I realized it was the 20th anniversary of my suicide attempt. I had made a gesture towards suicide a month or so before, but it was just a cry for help. My second real attempt was on the Saturday before Mother's Day, 1987. It landed me in the E.R. and then in hospital for two weeks.

I don't want to write about it now, because it's far too intense a story to throw around willy nilly, and I can't honestly toss it off in the two minutes I have before Brunch is served.

Perhaps I will tell it later. In any case, I mark the day. I remember the red carnation in the plastic vase next to me in my hospital bed, and feeling sad for my mother that I'd chosen just then to commit suicide.

Now, to wipe the tears from my eyes and be a mother.

On having an invisible disability

2008-05-11T08:14:00.000-05:00

Found some interesting articles on having an invisible disability. They mostly deal with invisible physical disabilities, but I found that they spoke to my struggle with mental illness as well.

First, "But You Look So Good, and 7 other things never to say to someone with an invisible disability."

From there I discovered this article, "Coping with an Invisible Condition".

This resonated with me:

People's expectations
Based on the well-sick-invalid framework, you are allowed to be sick or limited for a while. After some months, people will be expecting you to be back to 'normal' - that is, a healthy, fully productive state. If you are not, but you look ok on the outside, there may be misunderstandings, rejection. Some people judge you as lazy, exaggerating, or accuse you of faking to get insurance benefits or attention. Or they expect too much of you, overestimating your current ability. Dealing with people's misunderstanding and judgment, suspicions, and assumptions is painful. Having to justify your lack of productivity is an extra stress on top of having the actual condition.

As well as this...

Not acting sick
If you have a chronic, invisible condition, you have an important job: to look after yourself as well as possible. This will make you look better, despite your symptoms. You need to do this, because there is a cost for letting other people's opinions keep you from activities that give you health.

...It is sometimes a dilemma whether to make a point of "showing" your illness. You want to appear "normal" and to fit in, not stand out and be noticed. You also want people to recognize and understand your problems. Some people struggle with this.

Now that I am really wrestling with my illness, I am trying to be very in touch with all the stigma I feel about myself and what I am doing with my life.

I remember a conversation I had with someone last year, he said he thought that depression was a cultural problem in Western society, implying that I was not ill, just... just what? A malingerer? It was a very hurtful thing for him to say, but I also understood that it was said out of ignorance. It is true that we are, as a society, too eager to medicate regular sadness. But I feel the very real changes in my brain chemistry (or whatever the hell it is that happens to me), and I cannot simply choose them away. My condition is real. I'm fighting hard against so much and fighting hard to have a life I love.

When it seems impossible

2008-05-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

Ah, the world of mood disorders, where one day you are ON TOP OF THE WORLD, and the next, everything seems impossible.

I managed to eat today, bathe, dress, pick my kid up from school, and those were all accomplishments. I didn't finish any big tasks, and was beating myself up about it until I just stopped.

Right now it's time for LEGO Star Wars Saga and then dinner with family. I can do that.

Pam says it far more eloquently than I ever could

2008-05-08T09:03:00.000-05:00

Pam Spaulding at the Blend takes on this latest mess coming from the Sen. Hillary Clinton camp. I have a difficult time explaining to people why it would be a kick in the ovaries for me to pull the lever for Sen. Clinton come November, but this pretty much is the last nail in that coffin:

"I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on," she said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article "that found how Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

"There's a pattern emerging here," she said.

Pam says, "Wow. Just. Wow..." and then breaks it down for us. Please go give it a read if you don't (or do) understand why the way the Clinton Campaign is being run is more divisive than it may appear on the surface.

ETA: Karnythia over at Angry Black Woman weighs in too. Check it out.

WIN

2008-05-08T06:10:00.000-05:00

You may be surprised to learn that I am NOT perfect.

Or not that surprised.

Yesterday was an interesting day, I was wound fairly tight and had a couple of appts to go to. I then popped in to see an old professor and met another one of her students - he and I are looking to do similar things at the University so we exchanged email and I hope we stay in touch.

Then I enrolled myself in a class for fall that has been highly rec'd to me, a creative non-fiction course (perfect fit, don't you think?). That's in case I do not get in/defer Fall Enrollment at the UW. Which I think is what will happen, because I don't know that I will be stable/ready for the big leagues this fall.

I happened to run into an old classmate after that and we had a brief but (self) illuminating conversation in which I realized that my major choices over the past two years have been largely positive ones, if the goal was to stay alive.

I WIN!

Now I just keep building on what is there, and we have something!

I am a woman of few goals. Honestly: to visit all of the British Isles (Wales and Scotland being among my first destinations), to have at least one grandchild (that one I have little control over, huh?), and to get my B.A. by the time I'm 40. If I stick to it, I ought to be able to use the next two years to get to that last. I am more than halfway to that goal already.

Dear [Redacted]

2008-05-05T10:20:00.000-05:00

I sent this as an email today, and thought it was a good thing to share.

Dear [Redacted],

Today is Monday.
I know this and yet do not *know* it. I've had to be reminded a few times that today is Monday and the morrow Tuesday.

I guess the whole thing about embracing my illness and it's "cures" is also about embracing that I am still not in control (none of us are, really, right?), that I am still trying to find myself balance. My self balance.

Dear Reader,
Today is Monday.

I hope it finds you well.

Yours,

Autonym

Oh what a beautiful morning...

2008-05-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

Man, I woke up with 5 hours of sleep under my belt but still somehow got up on the right side of the bed. I've been so productive. I went to the far away grocery store, and didn't buy too much (but what I bought was more expensive, for a few items), and decided that I really like grocery shopping in my pjs!

Unfortunately so do a lot of other people, so instead of feeling quirky, I just felt average. I hate feeling average.

Right now it's putting away laundry (which I FOLDED this morning, before taking the boy to school), and then ironing, as the rain looks like it's going to stay away and the weather will be warming up in time for my coffee meeting with a long time blogging friend from far and away.

It is beautiful here, though. It snowed a couple of days ago, but it's back on the Springtime track and we are promised mid 60s today. The birds are out and about and it's just amazing.

Side note: my mother and I were speaking on the phone yesterday and she said "you sound manic." That's how I feel too, so she was actually being pretty perceptive. Maybe I should invest in some decaf?

Nah.

Let the circle be unbroken

2008-04-25T23:14:00.000-05:00

...What a heady time this is.

My new regime of meds seems to have lifted my depression and tossed it away. I am feeling quite good.

A little too good. My mood was spiraling up and up this week and I'm still not sure of it's exact status at the moment. I feel good but not really ready to be on my own with this good feeling, as it's accompanied by not sleeping or eating regular meals, and a lot of excessive cigarette smoking.

::shakes fist at bipolar disorder::

And still, we strive for balance with meds and talk therapy and hard bogdamned work, asking for help, accepting help, and accepting that sometimes help is hard to find.

The bf and I have found a place to live, together. This is monumental and exciting (and can I safely admit in this company, terrifying in its own right), and not for a few more months, so we can adjust slowly. It has many requirements he and I shared, and each of us came away with things we wanted (location for me, a garden space for him). Oh, and there are established raspberry plants in the back yard!

Tonight I had the pleasure and privilege of feeding my ex husband's stepson to be, and hopefully they will take me up on my very sincere offer to babysit this little bundle of happymaking babiness. He is a beautiful, friendly baby who the 8 yr old is absolutely crazy about, and it's mutual. Although the ex and I still have our moments, we are getting, I hope, to a place where we can be a big family, with trust and stuff.

I also ran into someone I hadn't seen for years and that was bittersweet and funny. We shared some gallows humor and I hope we get the chance to talk again soon.

I should be sleeping, and even took the medicine which is supposed to make me sleepy, but so far, nothing is happening. Maybe blogging is keeping me awake, you suppose?

Dotting the "I"s and crossing the "T"s

2008-04-25T02:11:00.001-05:00

Big news in Auto land, but until it's all said and done, I'll leave it at that.

I'm really feeling hopeful and excited about this year.

For now, I'll enjoy the rain from inside and a cup of tea.

Things that make me go, "hmmm"

2008-04-18T07:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, so in the film "Margo At The Wedding", Jennifer Jason Leigh is wearing a night shirt which references "The Arsenio Hall Show", which the title of this post reminds me of, because it was a popular song which was also a bit on that show.

Two blog posts which I found via the Racialicious rss feed, made me go, Hmmmm, in a good way this morning.

"Stuff White People Do" has a mindbendingly interesting post on how white women can give birth to black babies but black women can't give birth to white ones. This resonates with me because I am the black(ish) mother of a white child. My youngest could "pass" if we were still using that kind of societal test. I sometimes am still amazed at how it all worked out that he got light eyes, hair and skin when his big brother is olive with darker brown eyes and dark brown hair.

The other post is Kareem Abdul Jabar's post on Horton Hears a Who and the damaging message about girls' worth vs. boys' (a message I found in the film Shrek 3, which I absolutely still am livid about). He connects sexism to racism in a thoughtful way. I will have to read more of his columns to see what he has to say.

Well, then. That's over.

2008-04-08T14:52:00.000-05:00

Today was the last part of a process which has been made unnecessarily complicated by the fact that it is a Federal thing. Like the birth certificate which they DIDN'T need, but said they did in 4 separate places, so I procured a copy for 20 bucks. But hey.

And the fact that they can't tell me anything for "3-5 months", so I could be S.O.L. in 5 months after having waited all this time. I guess my best plan is to continue with the other things I'm doing and wait and see.

Hmmm.

But the fact that it's over, at least for now, is really comforting.

And the fact that the person I talked with was a really nice and respectful person was helpful.

I think it's really that I was quite scared of the process, plus other stuff. Tonight I'm going to try something new which I will write about later.

Right now I'm vainly attempting to clean my ~~damned~~ blessed apartment, which keeps falling into disrepair whenever I turn my back.

This time it's craft related disrepair. GLITTER is involved, so, yeah. Good times.

More later.